I was perusing my drafts tonight, looking for some snarky poetry for a friend, and I came across this.
I know I wrote this. The strange thing is that I don’t remember writing it. I usually remember everything I write because I only write when my emotions are all emotional. I’m either up, up, up or low, low, low. I’m not an inbetween writer. I wrote the title, When a Lifetime of Reality isn’t Real, then what…
So, as I’m reading this, I’m thinking, “What was I going thru? dealing with?” It must have been something epic because like I said, I only write when compelled to do so, as in COMPELLED. hmmmmm… I’m seriously curious. I don’t believe in split personalities, yet it feels like someone else wrote this. curiouser and curiouser
Lately, I haven’t felt much like writing. I’ve been dreaming a lot though. A LOT.
Maybe I should just write my dreams when I’m uninspired. Huh, LIGHT BULB MOMENT!!! lol
I will be doing that. I’ll start writing my dreams on here. Starting tomorrow!
Until then, I’ll leave you with my mysterious missive from last March.
Peace and Love to you all, even the haters (as our Marvelous President Donald Trump likes to say) 😉
what am I supposed to feel?
Numb Stunned Shocked Disbelieving
Disillusioned Duped Distraught
Anger Rage in Dreams Betrayed Pain holds sway, a dirge to play, fast fading, Faith torn stripped tattered sways fast against Mind, Flesh & Bone. Pain, like a Hawk, Claws Sink Deep Beneath Bone & Flesh, Spellbound Screaming Mind Blown Feeling Bits & Pieces Flowing Fleeing Gently Bleeding every Poisonous Drop of Pain.
No more crying in the rain. No more Fantasy Falling to the Pain
Washed Up Brain Dead Soul Fucked Back Run
Rewind Ahead my Steps No Turning Back Time’s Destined Path to Find Life
Unbound Unblind to Truth this Life Unblind I find Heart I See I Know
I Breathe I Soar Beyond the Veil I See Black Sky I Know It’s Name
UnBlue Pilled Eyes Wide Open Black Pitch Death Trap Matrix
Hopeless Betrayed Played
Sickened Saddened Broken Ashamed
Afraid Exposed Alarmed Haunted
Wide Awake Wired Electric Chaotic Alive
Murderous Livid Repulsed Revulsion Burning Hate
White Hot Hate
I’m Blown away by the the ease with which we hop, skipped & goose stepped into a red, white, and blue Looking Glass of Hell on Earth.
I’m more like ‘a-ha’ , ok, this must be ‘IT’
‘IT’ is finally here, for me at least. ‘IT’ has always been waiting for me to ‘See’
I do now, I finally see…
I felt ‘IT’ about 16 years ago? It’s hard to remember exactly.
I just know I felt it one day.
Like a quiet sonic boom, deep in me.
I felt like everything was real, but temporary.
Like a way station, forever fated and planned, an in between purgatory of sorts.
That’s how it felt, a purgatory, not deprived of anything, just my pride and being able to call anything my own.
It was grey, miserable, yet I had my family, my children, all that mattered, except for my own identity or home.
The second time I felt it was about 13 years ago. Chloe was a new baby.
I was standing in the middle of the kids and my room. Just standing there in a funk. Single mom, living at home, sharing a room and way, way off the mark of where I thought my life, our lives, would and should be. Feeling angry, mad, disgusted, embarrassed, ashamed, guilty. Like a great, big L O S E R. A disappointment to myself, dependent on my family, resentful at the shame time, bratty. Just a mess of poor me and A LOT of growing up to do.
I felt it, this feeling like I was in a waiting room.
I’ve always had a nagging, uneasy voice, a whisper deep within me, within my soul
It sounds crazy, but it’s been there for so long. Telling me to wait, just wait.
God, sounds bizarre reading it, but I swear, the voice was there.
I ‘heard’ it telling me something was coming, in the far, far distant future,
but IT was coming and life would never be the same as anyone knew it. I FELT it, it never went away.
I let it go.
I don’t obsess over things I can’t change.
I didn’t feel anything but a complete certainty, a truth inside me, a calm
and I just said, “Ok.” and moved on with my days.
Have you ever had that happen?
I don’t know what they would call it.
I know many people believe in psychic abilities, mediums, esp, etc. I don’t.
I’m Catholic and I was raised to never mess with any kinds of occult things.
I don’t even read my horoscope.