Just a Girl Lost 2

Just a girl lost~ Here I share bits & pieces of me, in poetry, prose, music & posts from writers who inspire me.


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In These Grey Days

A re post, but still very relevant. 

A family matter, an upheaval, a disruption, a tyranny

that’s been ongoing 2 years now

and

very soon the clouds will disappear, very, very soon.

I hope and pray all comes to the good and that finally

the weight will be lifted off of my and my family’s shoulders

and we’ll once again be able to breathe.

Niki

image (4)

In these grey days filled with tears and sadness

Fear, now my master

taunting me as I am kissed by Judas

Handed over to my accuser

Betrayer of her own, of ALL preyed upon

ruthless her kindness, relentless her cruelty

Shuffling papers = attack mode- ON

Going down her Hit List of Total Bullshit

all HIS LIES and her side show

Eye-rollin’ sarcasm when she gets called out as a Liar.

Rude and unprofessional with ZERO class

or decorum.

She sits there & LIES & DISTORTS

& MANIPULATES the TRUTH.

It’s beyond hypocrisy.  It is beyond injustice.

It is EVIL, pure & simple

and, the mask of being ‘Civilized’

is grafted down to her bone.  There is nothing

‘real’ left within her to be shown

Not an ounce of empathy, compassion or

humanity.

I feel like Daniel thrown to the Lions…

I sit there alone.  

Completely, utterly alone.

Watching her moods swing from snarky law bitch

to a soft-spoken,  jovial, chubby Aunt Bee

with really bad hair.

She has her shtick down pat.

Sharing  little stories and anecdotes

of bad guys ALWAYS getting caught

trying to beat the drug test.

Remember?

Remember that one woman…STAB …

she tested negative with the pee test, but

that hair test  was off the charts positive

she had SO much crack …

STICK… in her system!!!

(here it comes)… STABSTABSTAB

“See? don’t be a stupid crack whore

you clueless peasant”, her soulless eyes

tell you.

and

All I feel is sad.  So sad…

This wasn’t just a crack whore,

another notch on your scratching post!

This was a HUMAN BEING, a woman

who wasn’t born a criminal.

This is a daughter, a mother

Long ago her innocence lost, and now

her child’s is being lost…

broken home, broken heart, broken lives

So much suffering, generations

affected and it’s all laughed away

’cause

“People are stupid, useless, ignorant anyway.”

She loves to stick those pins

I feel so cold and sick, as if I’m going to 

crawl out of my skin.

I get it now.  Most of it.  Need more time

to process.  I’m far from ok.  I’m in a zone

of stress .  I need to get my composure back

I need to act oblivious.  I’m numb.

Frozen in this strange dread and confusion 

My thoughts, flatlined… dead.

Is this what hell feels like?

Her demented giggle never quite reaching

her squinty little eyes,

she’s watching me across the table.

“Eyes are the windows of the soul.”,

keeps running through my head.

Curiosity gets the best of me

I look straight up at her, not past her.

I SEE her.

I see a sad excuse for a human being.

I feel surprised, shocked actually,

at this slovenly mess across from me.

“How in the hell can that woman NOT have

a zillion issues? How OLD is she? She can’t be

that much older than me, 10-15 years? She looks

like a bag lady who just rolled out of bed.

Good Lord. Hasn’t she heard of Maybelline?

I bet she has about 5 cats already ’cause

they don’t know ‘Heil’ from ‘Here, kitty kitty'”

I  SEE her.

A bitter, hate-filled, unkempt, insecure,

vicious woman who is out to annihilate me.

She HATES women. She HATES me.

She has found the PERFECT client in HIM.

She’s a paid abuser.

Hired by the man who abused & is still abusing me.

She is beneath contempt.

I feel disdain, rage, & offense beyond belief.  

Seeing into eyes of a woman

who looks old

tired

Two dirty, cracked windows to

a soul like a rat grey, listless & fat

and a heart like a shriveled husk

dead, cold & black

I SEE her.

A desolate wad of dark energy

Nothing resembling happiness exudes from her.

She is a slave to pride & the intellect of man.

She is dead in spirit,

nothing but an animal, flesh & bone.

She is one of THEM

They are the Undead among us

Beady eyes always calculating

Greedy maws always salivating

Monsters created by shallow minds

The hunt is all they crave

To rise the ranks & win a worthless game

against the other locusts who feed

on the misery of society.

Power, Lust, Envy and Hate

Living for esteem from those they despise

To be worshiped & feared

To corrupt all that is good is their delight

To destroy Love, & make wrong right

Slimy things

Born again in primordial swamps

of corruption and poison

they breed the ancient disease

of fallen Eden

Desperate to be ‘seen’

Ego fuels their vapid lives

Slaves to base passions

the animals speak as civilizations die

They are the worst of humanity

I cannot bear to breathe the same air they breathe

I feel dirty, stained

I can’t wash off the foul stench

of Putrid decay they leave in their wake

I’m contaminated by filth

Drowning in a sea of hate

Caught in a trap

well-laid for years

by Him

Me, gullible, and naive

in my ignorance deceived

Now I see a darkness I’ve never known

Ugliness I thought I was privy to

Books I read, scars received, nothing prepared

me for these assaults on my sanity

Anger unreal, hate hidden, nothing revealed

until the fangs sink in, withdraw, smile, rip again

as if I’m just some plaything

a rag doll eviscerated invisibly

a puppet hanging by bloody strings of flesh

I am soul shocked

I am mind raped

stripped

flayed alive by demons

wearing suits of skin

Strangers paid to hate, not another

human, I am nothing but a

sad specimen below their pay grade

yet,

I refuse to die

My blessing and curse my belief in the Afterlife

so, I stay

In these so often colorless days & nights

filled with prayers and pleas & begging

to a celestial Being I now struggle to believe in

Nothing sates me

Nothing takes me away from

nothing but pain & panic

I am crushed on all sides

I am only living for one thing

My Children’s Lives and Sanity

the rest of me is in limbo

Lost in a fog of protecting those I love

Sleep sucks me into tormented dreams

I fight and claw myself awake

Slipping away is my faith,

yet

I hang on,

for some strange reason

without desire or contemplation,

I hang on

I feel a longing for a distant song

I reach across the abyss and grasp

I find you, I feel you

image (6)VSunCentury

 

You vibrate through me

your existence blankets me

your thoughts enfold me

in the warmth of knowing

I am never alone

You are the flame always burning

Calling out to me as my own draws

new life from you

My horizon, my sun

you always

no matter how foul my mood

your words surround, hold

comfort, enfold

Your soul shines

as I wander in mists of purgatory

Lost until I feel you again

You are a guiding star, always near

though I fall and falter

though I run in fear

Your light burns midnight alive

I smile in the storm

I smile past the pain,

if only for a little while,

I smile

Your words remind me

there is hope and beauty

there is love and magic

there is joy surrounding me

in every seeming tragedy

that I am blessed beyond belief

that I have strength from He who created me

that I have souls who depend upon and need me

that I am loved unconditionally

 

Your words spin webs of tranquility

as they engage my heart to beat again

Your inner strength unbinds me

and reminds me, ‘This too shall pass’

 

I see you, I see into your heart

It’s a mystery, yet I know you

feel it too

I see your faith in me

I see that I need to rise to

truth and nobility existing

within and around me

I see myself

in a mirror untainted

I see myself in you

You see me through eyes of beauty

You accept me with impunity

I smile

I whisper your name

in thanks I praise your existence

in this world, in my world

 

I pray you feel my kisses I send

upon gentle winds, across infinity

my lips curved in a soft smile

in wordless joy for your gift to me

Your soul

your poetry

washes me new

I feel clean

I feel free

I feel redeemed

on these grey days touched by you

 

~

 *And though the darkness has deepened, the Light was and is unchanging and I refuse to let myself become consumed by evil souls.  God IS my salvation and He WILL protect my family.  My children’s well-being, happiness and safety are my priority.

I still find moments to breathe.  I still find moments to reflect and see the good God ALWAYS brings out of seemingly insurmountable obstacles and betrayals. 

Thank you all for reading me, truly and thank you for your posts

I always gain insight, inspiration and beauty from all I read and follow in this blogging community. 

Peace xo

©justagirllost2

*photos mine

 

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Fading fragrance of love

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All I have

are these wilted words

promised dreams

and

dying hopes

I hold them close

inhaling

the fading fragrance

of love

~

 

©justagirllost2 


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What is there left?

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~

When the words hurt

too much to write

~

Where do I go?

What do I do?

How do I hide?

~

When the chaos

lingers & drips,

bleeding inside,

I slowly die

without writing it

~

My soul un-crying itself

to death

~

So, tell me,

what is there left?

~

 

©justagirllost2


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Broken promises broke a heart~a Girl Lost falls down, down the rabbit hole found by Madness as Alice, again

My brain has a new Muse too, a demon I think, who inspired the poem out of evil spite

because he knows Alice is a part of me that I’ve tried to grow out of as I’ve matured in wisdom and tried so hard to love unconditionally, focusing on my blessings. Daily trying to remind myself that it’s all the little things that bring true joy & peace.  I fail miserably. 

That Alice in me, the girl who loves to break the rules & whine about how unfair Wonderland is when she’s the one who always drinking the Kool-Aid. Immature nitwit.

Here is is and I do hope you enjoy this twisted tale of a naughty twit, named Alice brought to life by an idiotic brunette, a lost girl with a lost mind.

 

A POEM~ 

A lost girl stunned into stillness, an animal trapped in steel jaws, no escape, nowhere to run from the light of day

In a darkened cave, lying in wait, adrift in a void of horrors unseen, mercifully blind Knowing the pain is in the seeing of Horror’s face. I wait to see clearly the moments before that fatal blow.  Observing, silently mindful of the reality that

my Mind has a mind of its own.

It slowly unfurls itself unpeeling inch by inch as lace and smoke, thoughts and soul of formless sentience

Created to live a human existence, a body, a home of flesh, a temple of divinity perfected before time began

only Completed by Love, reborn, healed, freed from the hell of a life lived in hopeless emptiness, reborn to be who I was meant to be living a life filled with peace and joy

Where heaven on earth becomes reality and I become a light to all humanity, an unstoppable force unafraid, a human divinely perfected by Love

but, now I’m just an empty shell 

of tissue and walls where nothing lives, but echoes of home

in delicate folds it finally falls from my skin like a leaf 

thru doors of Shame and Grief into a field 

once hid by weeds, a past revealed

in endless rows of weathered stone

unmarked, unlived, unseen

each simply bits and bones

memory buried in dirt

finally found the lock and key

to uncage my Sanity

Flying high like a bird in the sky

above the below

as my broken Heart flees to leave 

a Body beneath, bereft, besieged

between Living & Dead

Wasteland of desolation and despair

covered in endless sadness

Colorless grey fog & clouds of tears

no air or wind… only endless desert

a Purgatory of suffering Souls

like me, before

smug within vanity 

drunk on the arrogance of myopic divinity

uncaring in breaking another’s belief & trust

wrapped in my own Pride…

Then, that’s when the gods without warning struck;

a lighting bolt

a fiery revealing

of every

ugly~ selfish~ unloving feeling

every sin of omission~ every lie told

by a heart believing

it had healed itself gold

~

Cursing my reflection

Desolate

in my fall from grace

Calling out to Alice, “Please come & save me!”

Begging she come back to life & rescue my feeble mind

Watching myself from a far off place.

As if asleep in a hazy dreaming.

Seeing my body float & melt

into a Girl with yellow hair & an English rose face.

“Alice, sweet Alice, awakened to take my place!

You’re an angel to bear my unbearable blame!”

Her  smile soon turned into a scowl of pain.

“Time to begin…

the Hunger Games!

I know you will win for me, Alice.

You are my dearest friend!”

~

In an instant she was running like the wind

Her wits childlike again. She looked wild as an animal,

all reason replaced by raw instinct.

A pristine beauty in such primal insanity.

Her broken mind took flight racing the sun

to beat the moon’s rising soon

unleashing the hounds of hell to capture her

for another of my endless nights

of bloody torment & torture.

~

It’s true Alice, there’s no rest for the wicked.

I’m sorry to say! You should have behaved!

Poor Alice, you’ve always been more feline than female.

Always inquisitive, when awake, just like Dinah your cat.

A pretty pet, curiouser & curiouser, always wanting

to taste strange things then wishing you’d listened to reason.

Drinking poison & spewing nonsense,

until dizzy & spinning, ungrinning at the possibility

that impossibilities do not exist or happen as a fact.

~

Such a pretty, bloody trainwreck

painting white roses red

with the guard of playing card men

in a whirl of confusions

A swarm of faces cowering in winds,

as the Red Queen rips in, hailing fire balls

of bloodlust and Death

Screams of, “Off with her head!’

A daring escape, my sweet Alice!

You ran so swiftly back

to rolling hills

of mundane realities.

A relief, but how sad you must be!

Banished from a Wonderland

of vanishing Cats,

& Caterpillars smoking Hookahs

blowing rings of disdain at the endless invitations

to Unbirthdays from very Mad Hatters;

the Gleeful punctuality of

White Rabbit, watch in gloved hands

racing the hour glass

never changing his pace,

still somehow, forever missing his dates!

Never a boring moment to be had!

A land without you, sweet Alice, unhappy

for certain, but at least no one offed with your Head!

Count your blessings!

yet,  poor Alice, always Pondering

Words of Wisdom,

Never takes her own advice

Always wants to Taste more

of the Naughty than the Nice

Such a greedy Appetite…

~

??!AGAIN!?!?

~

Chasing the White Rabbit. 

Time to get her FIX!

~

She dives in blue seas of fantasy, 

swimming ‘neath reality, thru the Looking glass

Not even she gives a damn how much more this time she’ll bleed

Nothing but gladness & madness & upside down sadness!

Sanity’s only meant for reality; twits must fly regardless

Eyes wide shut! Blind to duty & those left behind us!

~

Crossing the border into a place of

desire and need~ hunger and greed

She’s her own deity

dancing~ weaving

slithering~ snaking

falling, falling deep within decay & dirt 

A bottomless pit of earth & blackness

falling down, down, down

the rabbit hole again

Lost in the twisted shadows of a hell

created by a soul afraid to grieve and

a heart deathly afraid to receive

~

“Alice, open your eyes,

please believe in inner beauty Alice,

not the outer lies!

Alice, you must try, try!

You are much, much more than my muchier friend!

If only you could see true…

Everyone falls! Everyone bleeds! Everyone needs!

L O V E

No one’s perfect or ever will be!

You must set yourself free from Past Prisons of Pleasing!

You must forget to remember

the High & Haughty telling you, “NO MORE DREAMS!”

STOP! GO

Fast Forward Past FREE to

just Be…  HaPpY!

Alice, I beg of you, please come back with me!

Come back with me!

Realize that your joy will never be lost.

You’ll always have books of words written to dream.

The secret is simply to accept the girl thru the looking glass.

I am you & you are me!

Accept it all, the joy and sadness of love and living.

Love the perfectly imperfect wonderland & madness.

Every beautiful bit and piece within us

we’re the heavenly sin

of a girl named Alice.”

~

©justagirllost2 

 


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She’s Purple Haze & Mean Reds

image

~

Some days

she’s all mean Reds

~

She’s unmarked graves

of past regrets

~

She’s Apple blossoms

not quite dead

~

Just a purple haze

of a girl

~

thoughts

swirling ’round and ’round

her dizzy head

~

Love and Lust

and

words unsaid
~

 

 

©justagirllost2~ Monique M.

*photo mine