Just a Girl Lost 2

Just a girl lost~ Here I share bits & pieces of me, in poetry, prose, music & posts from writers who inspire me.


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I See

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When the earth is veiled beneath magic

Heaven’s water droplets of fog

A mist brings blindness to the corruption of man

That’s when my heart flees from my mind

My body sighs as it follows my whims

My racing legs meet wet grass amidst tombstones

I cannot be without the within

of this place of fairy tales and greys

this place where time stands still

where spirits play

where every intrusion disappears

and all that’s left is purity of nothingness

Purity of silence that used to be

before civilizations cacophony

blazed trails of destruction

I feel the dew drip upon me

surrounding me in pieces of soul

of ghosts disembodied yet whole

and for once, for one brief moment,

I am at peace

I see only nature without beams & wires

without man made contrivances

I see only Beauty of lives in an eternal earth

beneath a sun that forever lives

I see me, you, us, all in a dream that is the true reality

~

©justagirllost2 

*photo mine

 

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When I Love Again

 

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When I commit to love again …

he will be my best friend,

my confidant,

my confessor who accepts

all of me

 

He will be the one I mesh with,

my missing piece in mind & heart, as I will be his.

 

He will be that one person who I like being around

Naked in every way

without inhibitions

without fear

free to explore every hidden

and forbidden fantasy

A magnet of lust requited.

Lusting a soul mate is always reciprocal

that’s one of the rules.

(He’s also gonna like to walk around naked at 2am

& eat Rocky Road ice cream from the fridge

from the same spoon)

 

He’ll be the one who talks politics and philosophy

He will not see the bad me, only the me who loves him.

When I’m mad & acting crazy,

he’ll kiss my forehead and say things to make me laugh at me

 

He’ll have a Truth and faith inside that cannot be denied

He will make me want to be the better person I should have been

He will be the nobility missing in me

 

He will be Himself, always

A man with a light inside he’s unafraid to hide

A man of courage, more than mine

 

A man of pure soul & pure heart

A man unafraid of the darkness within

A man unafraid to be who his spirit calls him to be

 

A man in love with Love

A man in love with me

A man who needs no others, but me and God, who brought us together

so that we could transform each other into the most perfect expressions of joy and happiness with all whom we love

Our children, our families, our friends all others share in the bounty of this One true Love
~

©justagirllost2


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Insomnia and me ~ a brief, incoherent history

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I’ve been having insomnia. Well, actually, I’ve always had insomnia.

I think it started when I was a child.  I hated naps. I hated to close my eyes ’cause then I might miss something or get eaten by the monster under the bed.  I was an only child, so that meant sleeping in a big, dark, spooky bed alone alone alone. 

I’ve gotten my best sleep when not sleeping alone.  sigh

Oh, and you know those people who fall asleep at the drop of a hat?

WTH???

They are the felines of human beings.  I envy them so much.  

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I did get my insomnia under control about 22 years ago.  I was eating healthy, exercising, etc.  I was sleeping sans any type of controlled or uncontrolled substance and waking naturally ready to start the day.  It was a beautiful springtime of planets aligned.

and then…

I got pregnant & had my beautiful baby girl, Abigail Lee.  She was & still is pure perfection sent from heaven.

I kept her tiny cradle next to my side of the bed & I remember spending hours lying there just watching her sleep.  I couldn’t stop looking at her perfect little face. I felt like I was in a magic place where heaven touched earth. My heart was filled to bursting with a love & bliss I’d never known & I felt completely at peace. For the first time contentment & happiness existed within my soul.  

Ironic that I also lost my ability to relax & fall into sleep.

My beautiful, precious brand new baby rewired my circadian rhythms into new Mother mode of broken sleep, hyper-alertness, super acute hearing, night & day merged into baby asleep or baby awake, forgetfulness, stupidity,  & being really clumsy from not enough REM sleep, my new reality was a heavenly baby who made sleeping hell.

I read every baby book, parenting magazine, everything

They all had 1 Baby commandment chiseled in stone.

“With a newborn baby you have to make sure and take a nap when your baby takes a nap.”

I’m guessing some MALE doctor came up with that stroke of genius.

I tried it once. I never tried it twice.

Naps only work if you instantly fall asleep.  Naps aren’t meant for lingering, they’re short bursts of deep sleep meant to rejuvenate upon waking.

*Only cats & people with narcolepsy are able to wake refreshed from a nap. (imho)

I had my son, Nick, 6 years after Abby and my youngest daughter, Chloe, 3 years later.

I was hoping I’d get lucky & have a really lazy, sleepy baby.  NOPE

They all inherited my sleep dysfunction.

They NEVER took naps, except in their car seats.

They NEVER slept through the night

No matter how tired they got, they NEVER made up for it by sleeping longer the next day.

So, I NEVER slept. I didn’t even try.

My body forgot how to be normal.  It forgot how to lie still in the quiet.  It forgot how to relax.  My mind forgot how to shut itself off.  My mind stayed in constant alert mode.

Even after they started school and got into a normal sleep routine, I couldn’t.

It truly sucked.  I was miserable. I was at the mercy of my mind & body. Like some robot reprogrammed to short circuit.   It was crazy & so frustrating not being able to JUST F-KING FALL ASLEEP!

I was going t0 forever be possessed by Insomnia

I was going to forever HATE, HATE  waking up

I was forever going to be in a bitchy, foul, demonic mood or really stupid until 12noon.  

~

Oh, and you people and your Saviour, Coffee???  

LOL LOL LOL … That’s what I drink to FALL ASLEEP.  pfft.  

What’s that quote by Salvador Dali?

“I don’t do drugs. I am drugs.”  

Yea, my body tells that to every damn God or man-made chemical I try to put in it.   

I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t find my ancestry thru ancestry.com ’cause they only do DNA searches from this planet.  

~

but,

time does heal and 

And as my kids have gotten older sleep has gotten better.

Insomnia is less my master, more my bitch.  

I’ve become wiser, calmer & much more laid back.  

It’s a good thing to be slothful if it causes one to reflect & let go of the chaos one can’t control.

I love to sleep, but I hate falling asleep.  

It’s boring & lonely when you sleep alone.

(S E X with a perfect someone would be the perfect cure, but that’s another story) 😈

~

(Where was I?  ???  (Damn you, Insomnia, you make me stupider)

Oh, so, my point was how is insomnia affecting me presently, now, today?

It’s taken years, but my mind and body finally re-aligned with my pre-motherhood sleeping patterns.

It’s wonderful being able to fall asleep naturally.

I even turn off all the lights AND the tv.  I actually NEED darkness & quiet to sleep now. 🙂

but,

I’m still affected by my children’s sleeping habits, when they have issues, so do I.

When my days and nights get mixed up it can become a vicious cycle and big mess of miserable.  

One cannot simply sleep all day when one stays up all night.

It’s strange how the longer one stays awake, the harder it is to fall asleep.

Night before last I didn’t sleep.  

I stayed up the next day.  I stayed up last night.

I finally forced myself to lie down this morning around 7am. My son was leaving for school.  I blessed him, told him I loved him & curled up on the sofa.  I slept like the dead until he woke me up around 12:30. He had 1/2 a day of school today & we needed to go to sign some papers at the Dr. office.

I rolled off the sofa.  I felt drugged.  I felt sick, like my head was filled with cotton.  I was sneezing uncontrollably & my throat felt swollen.  I was having trouble swallowing & it made me a bit panicky that the top of my palate was itching like crazy.  I kept scratching it with my tongue over  & over.  Palate itching means, “Better get that shit under control or it’s a dumbass death by insomnia & cat allergy”

Lack of sleep seems to trigger my allergies & crappy OTC meds don’t always help.

*I’m thinking about getting a Neti pot.  It just sounds so disgusting & gross.  yuk.  But, today I’m feeling so bad I think I’d give it a whirl.

So, here I sit, typing, no longer sneezing, palate itching down to a low hum, watching Netflix sitting next to a sleeping dog.  

Awake & functioning on my lovely 5 hours of sleep & knowing that at some point I will need to catch up & find my way back into the land of REM.

(omg, I need to stop)

Long story short,  Lack of sleep disrupts my daily duties & wrecks havoc on my mood & physical well-being

Lack of sleep makes me feel empty, unfocused & lost in a fog.

I can’t write like I want to.  

I can’t express myself like I want to.

I can’t put into words all the feelings & ideas that I want to because my brain won’t let me.

There are so many pieces of me I want to share.  

That’s the reason I often repost on my blog & retweet myself on my Twitter feed.   It’s not out of narcissism or laziness, it’s out of me wanting to communicate thoughts & feelings still relevant.

~

*The positive thing about insomnia is that I get to catch up on my reading & actually notice things I had never noticed before about so many of you lovely people.  So many things.

I always adore reading all the beautiful pieces shared by you. 

~

Insomnia is to blame for my lack of words today.

My heart says yes, my mind says, I need rest.

Please forgive me and thank you for reading me, always.

 

I adore knowing that you ‘see’ me.

Know that I truly do ‘see’ you too. 💕

~

 

©justagirllost2

 *image~ sleepless booksby WonderMilkyGirl
*image2 ~ Holly Golightly (Audrey Hepburn) & Cat in Breakfast at Tiffany’s

 

 


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Alice Lost Again

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Poor Alice, you’ve always been more feline than female.

Always inquisitive, when awake, just like Dinah your cat.

A pretty pet, curiouser & curiouser, always wanting

to taste strange things & then wishing you’d listened to reason.

~

Drinking poison & spewing nonsense,

until dizzy & spinning, ungrinning at the possibility

that impossibilities do not exist or happen as a fact.

~

Such a pretty, bloody trainwreck

painting white roses red

with the guard of playing card men

in a whirl of confusions

~

It wasn’t YOU, silly twit,

it’s isn’t YOU, nit nit wit

being adored

written about prettily for

~

If the shoes fits start wearing it

Not HER HIM or IT, it’s YOU YOU YOU

You’re the ONE always being ignored

Such an arrogant twit TWIT twit 

go away go away,  just

get used to being laughed at

just your sad sad silly love scorned…

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for the Queen of Hearts

is HIS tart sweet

lyrical muse

forevermore

~ the end

©justagirllost2 

*top image, Photo by Valentin Perrin

*bottom image, from Pinterest, trying to find the source


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I am always only Me

I’m not poetry

I’m more disjointed

thoughts of heart

I’m Chaos of soul

A very, very bad memory

which often destroys

and saves my sanity

 

I rarely gossip

I’m rarely interested enough

I don’t get close to many people

unless I choose to be

and then I am loyal to a fault

I can be cold as ice and shut

even my closest loved ones out

(never never never my children, they are my heart)

until I’m ready to let them

back in, either because I’ve

calmed down or refound my

humility and reason

 

I am painfully shy

I am less vain and shallow

than I used to be

I love attention

I hate attention

I am poised ~ I am ladylike

I am clumsy and beyond awkward

I adore speaking to an audience

 

I love being with people

I hate being with people

 

I am passionate about Truth

I get rabid mad over injustice,

hypocrisy and dangerous

idiots smug and comfortable

in their ignorance

 

I love animals, but

humans come first

I love the planet, but

humans come first

 

I forgive easily

I’d rather love than hate

I judge no one’s heart

I believe everyone has a chance

at being forever loved by God

 

I often hide my irreverent

raunchy weird  super dorky

dirty wicked nasty

sense of humor

 

My deepest desires

and sexuality

I show in small,

very small

glimpses of

prose and poetry

 

I have a very

goofy  gullible

believe anything

naive child-like

simple  uninhibited

side that few see

It’s embarrassing

being truly ‘dumb’ sometimes

 

I know I’m not a genius

or a brilliant intellectual,

but I’m able to understand

the abstract and see beyond

to the Truth of the matter,

though I have no clue how to

explain it coherently

 

I hold sacred

and am deeply reverent

of my Catholic faith

My adoration and love

I rarely share

nor

my writings and experiences

of  my mystical side

It’s such a lonely feeling

when someone you love

can’t or won’t try to understand

and share those things

 

I can be the most selfish

narcissistic, whiny

bratty, foolish example of

every flaw making up

flawed humanity

I am a sinner, I know it

I do it anyway, yet

I’m trying so hard to

live, learn, and love

and be the person

I’m called to be

 

I’m a constant contradiction

of sensual and spiritual

I feel torn, yet not asunder

I’ve learned from my past

I’ve learned how to love myself

I’ve learned how to be alone

 

There has been no friend,

no lover, no significant other

no family member

who has seen every side of me

but

I am always, only me

and

perhaps one day

I’ll be brave enough

and loved enough

to allow someone

to truly ‘see’

all facets of me

 

Maybe…

~

 

©justagirllost2 

*photo mine

*repost, updated and added to (as much as my tired mind will allow tonight)

*PS:  and this is probably the most narcissistic piece of ego driven crap I’ve ever written.  I hope you can forgive me & thank you for reading me.  🙂


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A True Friend

Telepathy

 

I adore that we can be so different, polar opposites in our political and religious beliefs, the things that create division, destroy families and societies, yet we somehow rise above it in the mutual acceptance of never changing another’s truth, out of love.

I adore that we can see beyond the mind into the heart.

I adore that the only thing that matters is that we share the same view of what it means to truly love.

I adore those rare souls who seek out ours and see beautiful things in us and we become more beautiful in the warmth of a thousand suns from their hearts offering the most inspiring kind of love.

A perfect form of love becomes possible only in the bonds of friendship.

A true friend chooses you because of who you are.

A true friend doesn’t judge you when you fall, they simply love you.

A true friend gives you gentle honesty when you need to hear the truth and they respect you, they never try to fix you into who they think you need to be.

 

And ever so often, a true friend can become so much more…

~

©justagirllost2


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Stay with me

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It’s strange, this absence from you

I don’t let myself see you,

yet, I always feel you

always Missing you

always Hungry to taste your words

~

These past days blurring

So busy and focused

Determined to not be distracted,

Right now life’s demanding every bit of me

Putting distance between all interactions

except for my children and those helping me

Knowing it has to be done

~

Feeling lost, yet freed to just be

A mother fighting for her Life

Fighting for her offspring

It’s taking every ounce of thought

every beat of heart

every bit of drive and energy

A soldier I am in my WWW111

Going up against a human monster called He

~

Wondering if you are wondering about me?

Hoping and praying that you’re feeling me

~

I reach out to you in every quiet moment

surprised at how often I think of you

Feeling afraid too, wondering

if it’s all a dream

a silly schoolgirl fantasy

of reading you being into me

~

Always a nagging ache

of missing your thoughts

and the warmth of you

Not counting days

just being

afraid of needing

Not empty because you are somehow

always with me

~

Knowing that beyond a doubt

you are the only one who holds

the key to the sacred part of me,

the part of me no one else has access to

Only you and always you

and it gives me a feeling

of warmth and security

knowing that you have been

and always are the one I want

when I think of wanting anyone

~

Certain in the certainty

of my utter fascination

and desire for you

You touch me in a way

that invades and engulfs me

in every color of feeling

~

Awakened long ago

are so many desires

swirling within

passions and new dreams

closings and openings

beginnings and endings

~

You ignite new lives in me

You bring out new sides of me

meant only to be touched by you

My needs are your needs

~

You exist

in the forefront

of my thoughts

You are a constant spark

that burns through
consumes me
 ~
You are my sun by day
my votive candlelight
on silent nights
far, but never far away
 ~
I never wane in my delight
when you cross my mind
when I let you into this corner
of the universe
that is consuming
every moment of time
 ~
You are under my skin
in my heart
reading the poems and thoughts
I send across the sky
 ~
You are mine
and my days wait for yours
 ~
Please, never let me go
I need you to stay
I need you to always find me
Let nothing get in your way
 ~
My soul has kept you tucked away
safe
in a place made for you
 ~
Only you inspire
Only you author
my unwritten parts
Only you have
this inexplicable
insanely beautifully
dark and mystical hold
over me
 ~
Every piece of me has opened up
and waits to be filled with only you
My words wait to sing to you
I wait to dance for you
~
I wait to become myself
forever meant to belong to you
 ~
So, please, don’t leave
just stay with me
~
©justagirllost2
*photo mine