Funny how every time I’m feeling at peace, my mother can skin me alive and rip out my heart in a matter of moments.
Seems it’s the times I’m finally getting things together in my own heart, mind, soul and I’m doing the best I know knowing it’s ok and that God’s in control.
It’s like there is something inside of her that has this mission to annihilate me.
It’s a fact of life, no more no less. It is what it is. I love her, she loves me, but in completely different ways.
I can take the anger, I can’t take the contradiction. To have loved me more than life itself cannot mean except for the last ten years. I can’t even put any thing into words right now. My disappointment in her, me for letting ALL my wisdom and zen FLY out the window and take the bait and get crazy angry, my sadness at all of it is too raw. I can’t hide from it. I can’t, I won’t return to my old escapes. I have nothing to dull the pain.
I am trying to see what I can do to make myself better. That’s all I can do. I know there are so many lessons in it for me. At this moment clarity is such a new bitter pill to swallow. New ways to think, to change my thinking… a new kind of pain.
I just need to rest my heart and sit in stunned silence at what it truly means to trust in what is so easy to trust in when I’m at peace.
I’m empty of poetry
I’m empty of joy
just for today at least, maybe tomorrow
I hope not, I truly hope not
I’m just tired, so tired
I need to rest