Just a Girl Lost 2

Just a girl lost~ Here I share bits & pieces of me, in poetry, prose, music & posts from writers who inspire me.


Black holes and my heart are old friends


Funny how every time I’m feeling at peace, my mother can skin me alive and rip out my heart in a matter of moments.

Seems it’s the times I’m finally getting things together in my own heart, mind, soul and I’m doing the best I know knowing it’s ok and that God’s in control.

It’s like there is something inside of her that has this mission to annihilate me.

It’s a fact of life, no more no less.  It is what it is.  I love her, she loves me, but in completely different ways.

I can take the anger, I can’t take the contradiction.  To have loved me more than life itself cannot mean except for the last ten years.  I can’t even put any thing into words right now.  My disappointment in her, me for letting ALL my wisdom and zen FLY out the window and take the bait and get crazy angry,  my sadness at all of it is too raw.  I can’t hide from it.  I can’t, I won’t return to my old escapes.  I have nothing to dull the pain.

I am trying to see what I can do to make myself better.  That’s all I can do.  I know there are so many lessons in it for me.  At this moment clarity is such a new bitter pill to swallow.  New ways to think, to change my thinking… a new kind of pain.

I just need to rest my heart and sit in stunned silence at what it truly means to trust in what is so easy to trust in when I’m at peace.

I’m empty of poetry

I’m empty of joy

just for today at least, maybe tomorrow

I hope not, I truly hope not

I’m just tired, so tired

I need to rest



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Broken promises broke a heart~a Girl Lost falls down, down the rabbit hole found by Madness as Alice, again

My brain has a new Muse too, a demon I think, who inspired the poem out of evil spite

because he knows Alice is a part of me that I’ve tried to grow out of as I’ve matured in wisdom and tried so hard to love unconditionally, focusing on my blessings. Daily trying to remind myself that it’s all the little things that bring true joy & peace.  I fail miserably. 

That Alice in me, the girl who loves to break the rules & whine about how unfair Wonderland is when she’s the one who always drinking the Kool-Aid. Immature nitwit.

Here is is and I do hope you enjoy this twisted tale of a naughty twit, named Alice brought to life by an idiotic brunette, a lost girl with a lost mind.



A lost girl stunned into stillness, an animal trapped in steel jaws, no escape, nowhere to run from the light of day

In a darkened cave, lying in wait, adrift in a void of horrors unseen, mercifully blind Knowing the pain is in the seeing of Horror’s face. I wait to see clearly the moments before that fatal blow.  Observing, silently mindful of the reality that

my Mind has a mind of its own.

It slowly unfurls itself unpeeling inch by inch as lace and smoke, thoughts and soul of formless sentience

Created to live a human existence, a body, a home of flesh, a temple of divinity perfected before time began

only Completed by Love, reborn, healed, freed from the hell of a life lived in hopeless emptiness, reborn to be who I was meant to be living a life filled with peace and joy

Where heaven on earth becomes reality and I become a light to all humanity, an unstoppable force unafraid, a human divinely perfected by Love

but, now I’m just an empty shell 

of tissue and walls where nothing lives, but echoes of home

in delicate folds it finally falls from my skin like a leaf 

thru doors of Shame and Grief into a field 

once hid by weeds, a past revealed

in endless rows of weathered stone

unmarked, unlived, unseen

each simply bits and bones

memory buried in dirt

finally found the lock and key

to uncage my Sanity

Flying high like a bird in the sky

above the below

as my broken Heart flees to leave 

a Body beneath, bereft, besieged

between Living & Dead

Wasteland of desolation and despair

covered in endless sadness

Colorless grey fog & clouds of tears

no air or wind… only endless desert

a Purgatory of suffering Souls

like me, before

smug within vanity 

drunk on the arrogance of myopic divinity

uncaring in breaking another’s belief & trust

wrapped in my own Pride…

Then, that’s when the gods without warning struck;

a lighting bolt

a fiery revealing

of every

ugly~ selfish~ unloving feeling

every sin of omission~ every lie told

by a heart believing

it had healed itself gold


Cursing my reflection


in my fall from grace

Calling out to Alice, “Please come & save me!”

Begging she come back to life & rescue my feeble mind

Watching myself from a far off place.

As if asleep in a hazy dreaming.

Seeing my body float & melt

into a Girl with yellow hair & an English rose face.

“Alice, sweet Alice, awakened to take my place!

You’re an angel to bear my unbearable blame!”

Her  smile soon turned into a scowl of pain.

“Time to begin…

the Hunger Games!

I know you will win for me, Alice.

You are my dearest friend!”


In an instant she was running like the wind

Her wits childlike again. She looked wild as an animal,

all reason replaced by raw instinct.

A pristine beauty in such primal insanity.

Her broken mind took flight racing the sun

to beat the moon’s rising soon

unleashing the hounds of hell to capture her

for another of my endless nights

of bloody torment & torture.


It’s true Alice, there’s no rest for the wicked.

I’m sorry to say! You should have behaved!

Poor Alice, you’ve always been more feline than female.

Always inquisitive, when awake, just like Dinah your cat.

A pretty pet, curiouser & curiouser, always wanting

to taste strange things then wishing you’d listened to reason.

Drinking poison & spewing nonsense,

until dizzy & spinning, ungrinning at the possibility

that impossibilities do not exist or happen as a fact.


Such a pretty, bloody trainwreck

painting white roses red

with the guard of playing card men

in a whirl of confusions

A swarm of faces cowering in winds,

as the Red Queen rips in, hailing fire balls

of bloodlust and Death

Screams of, “Off with her head!’

A daring escape, my sweet Alice!

You ran so swiftly back

to rolling hills

of mundane realities.

A relief, but how sad you must be!

Banished from a Wonderland

of vanishing Cats,

& Caterpillars smoking Hookahs

blowing rings of disdain at the endless invitations

to Unbirthdays from very Mad Hatters;

the Gleeful punctuality of

White Rabbit, watch in gloved hands

racing the hour glass

never changing his pace,

still somehow, forever missing his dates!

Never a boring moment to be had!

A land without you, sweet Alice, unhappy

for certain, but at least no one offed with your Head!

Count your blessings!

yet,  poor Alice, always Pondering

Words of Wisdom,

Never takes her own advice

Always wants to Taste more

of the Naughty than the Nice

Such a greedy Appetite…




Chasing the White Rabbit. 

Time to get her FIX!


She dives in blue seas of fantasy, 

swimming ‘neath reality, thru the Looking glass

Not even she gives a damn how much more this time she’ll bleed

Nothing but gladness & madness & upside down sadness!

Sanity’s only meant for reality; twits must fly regardless

Eyes wide shut! Blind to duty & those left behind us!


Crossing the border into a place of

desire and need~ hunger and greed

She’s her own deity

dancing~ weaving

slithering~ snaking

falling, falling deep within decay & dirt 

A bottomless pit of earth & blackness

falling down, down, down

the rabbit hole again

Lost in the twisted shadows of a hell

created by a soul afraid to grieve and

a heart deathly afraid to receive


“Alice, open your eyes,

please believe in inner beauty Alice,

not the outer lies!

Alice, you must try, try!

You are much, much more than my muchier friend!

If only you could see true…

Everyone falls! Everyone bleeds! Everyone needs!


No one’s perfect or ever will be!

You must set yourself free from Past Prisons of Pleasing!

You must forget to remember

the High & Haughty telling you, “NO MORE DREAMS!”


Fast Forward Past FREE to

just Be…  HaPpY!

Alice, I beg of you, please come back with me!

Come back with me!

Realize that your joy will never be lost.

You’ll always have books of words written to dream.

The secret is simply to accept the girl thru the looking glass.

I am you & you are me!

Accept it all, the joy and sadness of love and living.

Love the perfectly imperfect wonderland & madness.

Every beautiful bit and piece within us

we’re the heavenly sin

of a girl named Alice.”





Let Joy Be Reborn


Perhaps the hardest lesson in life to learn

is that human Love is never unconditional.

It is impossible for our fallen hearts to love ourselves Complete

We were made from Love

We are made to give Love back, in trust, Complete


But, our broken souls rebel, we dash headlong into hell

Drinking poison lies from cups of pride

Harvested from the Garden well


Covering our naked souls in shame and sadness

Digging earthly tombs made up of madness

We curse the day that we were made

We hate the good Love’s freedom gave

We sneer in derision,

using arrogant intellect with illogical reason

to come to conclusions of human delusion


We empty our hearts of humility

due to our inability to trust,

that perhaps there are higher thoughts

than the ones spun from our broken hearts


We twist the Truth into a noose

of condemnation

becoming prisoners of our

misconceptions of `liberation’


We lament the unfair injustice

of suffering and evil

in a world made up

of men with Free will


We throw rocks at a moon of misunderstanding

As we cower defiant in our hovels of doom

Waiting to be saved~ hating to be saved

Rewriting ancient runes

Believing we rediscover Truth


If only

our hearts were open

Our chains then so easily broken

would free us from pains unspoken

would free us from a childhood broken

so that Love and peace

could break down the walls

around our hearts

as we allow True joy to

be reborn



©justagirllost2  ~Monique Mendez


*image from Pinterest


just like her





She bleeds inside,

just like her


She cries alone

rivers of tears,

mourning lost years


She is afraid to love again,

at being misunderstood,


just like her


She feels the fear of being rejected

for the wall of flaws built around her heart,


just like her


She has been battered,

abused and betrayed

ridiculed for feeling pain


She has survived darkest hell

and somehow lived to tell,


just like her


She never had to pretend

to be tough as nails

It was already in her dna


She never had to hide

behind rough exteriors

She was a warrior inside

and though

she was made a leafless tree

her naked branches broken & dead

she found the courage to bloom, to hope

to love again, to live

to trust with every beat of her heart


just like her


If only she’d been given a chance

to know your open heart

If only she would have gotten

back what she gave you

your true friendship

your acceptance

your desire

your forgiveness of flaws

your unselfish love…


just like her


©justagirllost2  ~Monique