Just a Girl Lost 2

Just a girl lost~ Here I share bits & pieces of me, in poetry, prose, music & posts from writers who inspire me.




If Happiness is simply a chemical released in the brain

I want to figure out how to release that elusive little bit of bliss

To have the certainty of being able to pull that magical daisy chain

of only always sunshine, again & again & again.

No more to be deluged by storms of life

that every season drown my sorry heart

in tears of endless rain


I always often pray, “FIX ME! Now Now Now, please!”

I beg to be miraculously healed of all my weaknesses and flaws.

I beg to become completely whole, healthy, productive and serene.

“I NEED to be the me I am meant to be and somehow make up for ALL my selfish,

thoughtless, destructive, behaviors of the past.

Make me who I’m meant to be, please please please.”

I plead over and over.

A noble mantra (to my narcissistic mind)

prayed with the utmost contrition, angst and sincerity.

“I KNOW that You just have to answer, don’t You??

I mean,You’ve healed so many people

way worse off and way more screwed up than me, and I BELIEVE!

See, God, I believe!  So, c’mon, I’m ready now, I’m so ready now to be healed.”

I plead and plead, waiting to be freed, waiting to be transformed miraculously.

It’s not working!  I’m still the messed up, old me.

I bet I’m being ignored because I’m not determined enough!

I just need to beg and whine with more sincerity.

NOTHING … NOTHING, but the buzzing voices of my own vanity.

“I must be unfixable.  I must be too weak.  

What was I thinking?

I’m beyond healing.  

Even He can’t fix me.”

I Sink

deeper and deeper into myself & my selfishness

“MY way must be the ONLY way out of this daily abyss of discontent.

This life is all there is & so I’ll make the best of it

until I can figure out how to fix myself.”

It’s so much easier to believe in the god of Me.  

I may be doomed to mediocrity, but at least I’m ‘home’

within the familiar confines of my darkened,

broken mind.

I will always be my own place to hide. (that’s called Pride)

I’ll make sure I always have a retreat

where I can pretend be leading a ‘normal’, fulfilling happy life.

Keeping my dirty little secrets hidden inside.

Retreating into a fantasy world to forget the real world around me.

“I am a martyr, don’t they see?  Nobody understands me!  I have NEEDS!

I DESERVE to be free to be worshiped by others in my kingdom of ME.”

A place where selfishness, fear, apathy,

resentment, blame, anger, negativity & endless self-pity

are justified.

Where ‘escape’ isn’t being weak, it’s being ‘happy’.

Where I’m in control because only I know what’s best for me.

Life should be PLEASING me.

Pleasure and  Control, insidious beasts eating me up alive.

My passions & desires own me.

A me I create in the image of what I want others to see.

Emotions & feelings drive my insatiable need to be happy.

A blank page desperate for a saviour’s ink.

I’m not real unless they SEE me.

My stubborn pride, my petulant need,

my childish mind keeps me blind to all other’s reality.

“FEED ME FEED ME FEED ME because you NEED me!”

I’m dying inside. I’ve become a parasite of heart, soul & mind.


And then, through the miracle of Grace,

little by little, day by day, I begin to FEEL so DEEPLY

the pain, sadness & need for love of those around me.

Their feelings begin to matter more than my own

I am filled with longing for something

I cannot define or explain.

A warmth flows thru me.

My cold heart is melting to Love


I’m healing.

Life won’t let me declare myself neutral

in this war anymore.

I have to decide whether to fly or fight.

I no longer find surcease in my usual distractions

I’m not able to ‘delete’ & bury my conscience & justify

my infantile dissolute vanities.

I used to be able to run away with impunity

seeking out those like me.

Things are different now.

I who always arrogantly thought myself

so brave & so much stronger than others.

I see I am only a paper tiger.

A coward afraid to

face the truth.  I am words, not actions.

A fool.

Something inside of me cries out.

I’m ready to be free.

I’m ready to let the emptiness

& dark silence wash over and consume me.

I am defiant. I am tired.

I have decided with every fiber of my being that

Fear will no longer rule me.

I choose to be truly happy, joyful & free.

I walk through the valley of humble defeat.

I’m a prisoner of true Love.

I throw myself into His arms in complete, terrified,

childlike, loving trust.

I’m finally ready to let Him Be

& work through me.

I know I have no strength.

I’ve failed miserably.

I know I have to let go of the past.

I have to hold on to now and all that will be.

I’m going in blind, hands tied, Letting Him lead.

I’m dying to Me.   It’s not easy.   Not at first.

I still grieve the old me.

I have to drag myself across that bridge of doubt & lack of faith.

Without humility & complete honesty, I can’t bear to cross it.

It isn’t exactly how I’d pictured it to be, once I’d waved the

white flag,  I’d expected Him to carry me!

So tempting to slide back down that hill into my old ways.

I wanna run & hide again, but I don’t.

I stay and I run, I run, towards & unknown Fate.

I run over that bridge.  From night to day.

From comatose to wide awake.   No longer lost.

I’ve finally found my way.

And somehow I’ve changed.

I am ready to live the truth I’ve always believed,

yet was too afraid to seek.

That ‘suffering’ of this life will bring understanding,

growth & healing and will lead to a happiness

far beyond what my human nature can ever dare to imagine.

That ‘fixing’ means changing & becoming unbroken

into a divine, unique creation of me as part of the human family.

For, how can we know true peace if we only think of

our own wants and needs?

So, now I pray for wisdom & patience

for hope & fortitude

I pray for humility and gratitude

I pray to let go of all fear and control

I pray for the strength to leap into the abyss

of complete and utter trust, always.

To never falter again.  To step out over the precipice

of my fallen, miserable comfort zone

into the arms of an unimaginable

mystical, unthinkable, beautiful

and all possible unknown.

It’s a never ending journey of self-discovery

Self-inflicted tortures of silence & reflection

Looking in mirrors of past pains soul deep

Breaking off dirty, bloody pieces until, suddenly,

like a dandelion in the wind, my soul flies beyond me

no longer imprisoned ready to rise higher.

Uncaged, unfettered, uncovered & free

to allow in a deeper, more perfect level of

all that is truly good & beautiful.

To Love unconditionally my children & my family

To see the divinity in others

To see the exquisite perfection & magic in mundane things

And no matter what trials, disappointments & pain

this life brings, I’ll be able to dance in the rain

I’ve forever changed.

I’ll still mess up again

and slip back and lose my peace, but

I will always know & believe

that Happiness lives

in my Loving the world

outside & inside of me.




*photo mine.  St. Peter’s Catholic Church Cemetery in Carencro, Louisiana


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4 Fabulous New Year Quotes ~

“The object of a New Year is not that we should have a new year. It is that we should have a new soul and a new nose; new feet, a new backbone, new ears, and new eyes. Unless a particular man made New Year resolutions, he would make no resolutions. Unless a man starts afresh about things, he will certainly do nothing effective.”

G.K. Chesterton, A Chesterton calendar


Smiles from the threshold of the year to come,
Whispering ‘it will be happier’…”

Alfred Tennyson


“For last year’s words belong to last year’s language
And next year’s words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning.”

(Little Gidding)”

T.S. Eliot


“Live the full life of the mind, exhilarated by new ideas, intoxicated by the Romance of the unusual.”

Ernest Hemingway





On These Grey Days

image (17)













You vibrate through me

Your existence blankets me

Your thoughts enfold me

in the warmth of knowing

I am never alone


You are the flame

always burning

calling out to me

as my waning embers

receive and draw

new life from yours


My horizon, my sun

Your words always,

no matter

how foul my mood,

comfort me

holding me close

Your soul shines

lighting my way

as I so often wander lost

in purgatory’s fray


You are a guiding star

always near

though I fall and falter

though I run in fear

your light burns

each midnight alive


I smile in the storm

I smile past the pain,

if only for a little while,

I smile


Your poetry


hope and beauty

You are

love and magic

Your joy


reminding that

in life’s every seeming

tragedy we are somehow

blessed beyond belief

that I have souls who

depend upon and need me

that I am worthy to be

loved unconditionally


Your words spin webs

of tranquility

Your tales tell

my heart

to beat again

Your inner strength

unbinds my pain

unwinds my past


I see you

I see into your heart

I see your faith in me

I see that I need to rise

to the truth

and nobility existing

within and around me


I see myself

in a mirror untainted

I see myself in you

You see me through eyes of beauty

You accept me with impunity


I whisper your name in thanks

I praise your existence in this world,

in my world

I pray you feel the kisses I send

upon gentle winds across infinity

My lips curved in a soft smile

in wordless joy for your gift to me


Your soul, your poetry

washes me new

I feel clean ~ I feel free

I feel redeemed

on these grey days

touched by you




*photo mine

*this is a part of a longer poem I posted earlier


I Know You’ll Never Read Me




I know you’ll never read me.

I know you’ll never follow me.

I’ve resigned myself to the sad fact that

you’ll never deign to favorite me,

or acknowledge my existence.

You’ll never lump me in the perused & bemused

tantalized sweetly, engaging your attention completely

category,  as you do all the rest, or the one or the two…

and, it’s ok.

I have my inner voices of affirmation

and delusions of grandeur

to keep me warm and cozy.

And who knows, maybe, just maybe

one day you shall take the plunge and see me,

really~ truly~ finally

 see me…

and if not

it’s ok

I will still always believe in me

I will always know I am worthy

I will always know that my existence

is what makes me Beautiful



*photo mine


You are a river wild that runs through each day




Your cloudy days are merely insights

into all the new ways I find

to delight in you


Your soul is like the sky

One day burning with rays of attention

the next rolling in chaos and dissension


Your heart is the moon

always faithful


my hidden places

exploring me

in ancient tongues

the darkest runes

of a heavenly undone

bewitching me


waiting for me

to spin

into your orbit


You are every season

every sky

Though my mind

begs me to reason

I cannot deceive you

I can never get enough of you

of the mystical pull you have on me


You are the echo of sun’s rise in every twilight

You are the reminder that desire holds no lullaby

You are the blood rushing in manic waves within my veins

You are a river wild that runs through each day




*photo mine





She’s all sound bites,


voracious appetites

Her insipid sighs



and naughty

tidy lacy rides

without remorse

or alibis

so disinfect,

then go

inside her

hide and seek

you know you’ll

find fini

fait accompli’

it’s not hard to see

the easy peasy way to be


go for me



all or nothing

guns blazing

heart raw

soul riots

bad poet


mad passions

bleeding acid,


most times,

all times I’ll love


you’ll know it,

and I feel right to me

so, don’t fucking blow it… ;p



©justagirllost2  ~Monique Mendez

*photo mine