Just a Girl Lost 2

Just a girl lost~ Here I share bits & pieces of me, in poetry, prose, music & posts from writers who inspire me.


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Not Sweating the Small Stuff

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My youngest daughter, whom I sit next to right now in a hospital room, has much to complain about when it comes to my mothering skills.

I more often than not set a bad example when it comes to housekeeping. Procrastination is my middle name, unless company is coming over and then it’s “Haul ASS and GET TO WORK, EVERYBODY… NOW!”

My children have seen my worst sides of my being a daughter in the clashes I’ve had with my own mother. I always feel I’ve let them down and wonder what happened to all my self-control and noble promises of being a perfect example of motherhood. It’s humiliating to admit my faults and flaws to them, especially since I grew up believing my mother to be the saint of self-control and perfection.

I can be grumpy and short with my children. I always apologize and ask them to forgive my shortcomings and my selfishness.

The only time I don’t feel like the poster child for horrible and inadequate mothers is when I don’t sweat the small stuff, the stuff that many adults consider mountains, I consider molehills.

The spills, messes, broken glass/dishes/windows, lost jewelry, ruined shirts, boots, dresses, brand new cameras not meant to be put in ziploc bags & take underwater pictures in swimming pools, the holes in walls, the wet beds, the needing to vent without being told how to feel, not feel or ‘fix’ it… all things that make us human.

The latest one, my daughter stepping on my closed laptop as she leaned over to kiss me the other morning. My prized laptop went “CRACK” and we both went “Oh NOOO!”. I wanted to cry when I saw the screen, but all I said was, “Oh no, Chloe, I think it’s cracked, but it’s ok it wasn’t your fault. No worries.” And that was that. That’s my one redeeming quality as a mother, to not sweat the small stuff. My children’s dignity and self-esteem is more important to me than my own disappointment and angst.

There is never any shame in making mistakes and there never should be. That’s part of life. My mother never made me feel less than when I messed up as a child, my father did. I NEVER went to my father for ANYTHING, I never wanted to feel like an imposition. I went to my mother instead. That was the greatest lesson I learned about being a parent. I always want my children to know that they are loved, just because.

~

©justagirllost2

*image from Pinterest


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Insomnia and me ~ a brief, incoherent history

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I’ve been having insomnia. Well, actually, I’ve always had insomnia.

I think it started when I was a child.  I hated naps. I hated to close my eyes ’cause then I might miss something or get eaten by the monster under the bed.  I was an only child, so that meant sleeping in a big, dark, spooky bed alone alone alone. 

I’ve gotten my best sleep when not sleeping alone.  sigh

Oh, and you know those people who fall asleep at the drop of a hat?

WTH???

They are the felines of human beings.  I envy them so much.  

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I did get my insomnia under control about 22 years ago.  I was eating healthy, exercising, etc.  I was sleeping sans any type of controlled or uncontrolled substance and waking naturally ready to start the day.  It was a beautiful springtime of planets aligned.

and then…

I got pregnant & had my beautiful baby girl, Abigail Lee.  She was & still is pure perfection sent from heaven.

I kept her tiny cradle next to my side of the bed & I remember spending hours lying there just watching her sleep.  I couldn’t stop looking at her perfect little face. I felt like I was in a magic place where heaven touched earth. My heart was filled to bursting with a love & bliss I’d never known & I felt completely at peace. For the first time contentment & happiness existed within my soul.  

Ironic that I also lost my ability to relax & fall into sleep.

My beautiful, precious brand new baby rewired my circadian rhythms into new Mother mode of broken sleep, hyper-alertness, super acute hearing, night & day merged into baby asleep or baby awake, forgetfulness, stupidity,  & being really clumsy from not enough REM sleep, my new reality was a heavenly baby who made sleeping hell.

I read every baby book, parenting magazine, everything

They all had 1 Baby commandment chiseled in stone.

“With a newborn baby you have to make sure and take a nap when your baby takes a nap.”

I’m guessing some MALE doctor came up with that stroke of genius.

I tried it once. I never tried it twice.

Naps only work if you instantly fall asleep.  Naps aren’t meant for lingering, they’re short bursts of deep sleep meant to rejuvenate upon waking.

*Only cats & people with narcolepsy are able to wake refreshed from a nap. (imho)

I had my son, Nick, 6 years after Abby and my youngest daughter, Chloe, 3 years later.

I was hoping I’d get lucky & have a really lazy, sleepy baby.  NOPE

They all inherited my sleep dysfunction.

They NEVER took naps, except in their car seats.

They NEVER slept through the night

No matter how tired they got, they NEVER made up for it by sleeping longer the next day.

So, I NEVER slept. I didn’t even try.

My body forgot how to be normal.  It forgot how to lie still in the quiet.  It forgot how to relax.  My mind forgot how to shut itself off.  My mind stayed in constant alert mode.

Even after they started school and got into a normal sleep routine, I couldn’t.

It truly sucked.  I was miserable. I was at the mercy of my mind & body. Like some robot reprogrammed to short circuit.   It was crazy & so frustrating not being able to JUST F-KING FALL ASLEEP!

I was going t0 forever be possessed by Insomnia

I was going to forever HATE, HATE  waking up

I was forever going to be in a bitchy, foul, demonic mood or really stupid until 12noon.  

~

Oh, and you people and your Saviour, Coffee???  

LOL LOL LOL … That’s what I drink to FALL ASLEEP.  pfft.  

What’s that quote by Salvador Dali?

“I don’t do drugs. I am drugs.”  

Yea, my body tells that to every damn God or man-made chemical I try to put in it.   

I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t find my ancestry thru ancestry.com ’cause they only do DNA searches from this planet.  

~

but,

time does heal and 

And as my kids have gotten older sleep has gotten better.

Insomnia is less my master, more my bitch.  

I’ve become wiser, calmer & much more laid back.  

It’s a good thing to be slothful if it causes one to reflect & let go of the chaos one can’t control.

I love to sleep, but I hate falling asleep.  

It’s boring & lonely when you sleep alone.

(S E X with a perfect someone would be the perfect cure, but that’s another story) 😈

~

(Where was I?  ???  (Damn you, Insomnia, you make me stupider)

Oh, so, my point was how is insomnia affecting me presently, now, today?

It’s taken years, but my mind and body finally re-aligned with my pre-motherhood sleeping patterns.

It’s wonderful being able to fall asleep naturally.

I even turn off all the lights AND the tv.  I actually NEED darkness & quiet to sleep now. 🙂

but,

I’m still affected by my children’s sleeping habits, when they have issues, so do I.

When my days and nights get mixed up it can become a vicious cycle and big mess of miserable.  

One cannot simply sleep all day when one stays up all night.

It’s strange how the longer one stays awake, the harder it is to fall asleep.

Night before last I didn’t sleep.  

I stayed up the next day.  I stayed up last night.

I finally forced myself to lie down this morning around 7am. My son was leaving for school.  I blessed him, told him I loved him & curled up on the sofa.  I slept like the dead until he woke me up around 12:30. He had 1/2 a day of school today & we needed to go to sign some papers at the Dr. office.

I rolled off the sofa.  I felt drugged.  I felt sick, like my head was filled with cotton.  I was sneezing uncontrollably & my throat felt swollen.  I was having trouble swallowing & it made me a bit panicky that the top of my palate was itching like crazy.  I kept scratching it with my tongue over  & over.  Palate itching means, “Better get that shit under control or it’s a dumbass death by insomnia & cat allergy”

Lack of sleep seems to trigger my allergies & crappy OTC meds don’t always help.

*I’m thinking about getting a Neti pot.  It just sounds so disgusting & gross.  yuk.  But, today I’m feeling so bad I think I’d give it a whirl.

So, here I sit, typing, no longer sneezing, palate itching down to a low hum, watching Netflix sitting next to a sleeping dog.  

Awake & functioning on my lovely 5 hours of sleep & knowing that at some point I will need to catch up & find my way back into the land of REM.

(omg, I need to stop)

Long story short,  Lack of sleep disrupts my daily duties & wrecks havoc on my mood & physical well-being

Lack of sleep makes me feel empty, unfocused & lost in a fog.

I can’t write like I want to.  

I can’t express myself like I want to.

I can’t put into words all the feelings & ideas that I want to because my brain won’t let me.

There are so many pieces of me I want to share.  

That’s the reason I often repost on my blog & retweet myself on my Twitter feed.   It’s not out of narcissism or laziness, it’s out of me wanting to communicate thoughts & feelings still relevant.

~

*The positive thing about insomnia is that I get to catch up on my reading & actually notice things I had never noticed before about so many of you lovely people.  So many things.

I always adore reading all the beautiful pieces shared by you. 

~

Insomnia is to blame for my lack of words today.

My heart says yes, my mind says, I need rest.

Please forgive me and thank you for reading me, always.

 

I adore knowing that you ‘see’ me.

Know that I truly do ‘see’ you too. 💕

~

 

©justagirllost2

 *image~ sleepless booksby WonderMilkyGirl
*image2 ~ Holly Golightly (Audrey Hepburn) & Cat in Breakfast at Tiffany’s

 

 


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Stay with me

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It’s strange, this absence from you

I don’t let myself see you,

yet, I always feel you

always Missing you

always Hungry to taste your words

~

These past days blurring

So busy and focused

Determined to not be distracted,

Right now life’s demanding every bit of me

Putting distance between all interactions

except for my children and those helping me

Knowing it has to be done

~

Feeling lost, yet freed to just be

A mother fighting for her Life

Fighting for her offspring

It’s taking every ounce of thought

every beat of heart

every bit of drive and energy

A soldier I am in my WWW111

Going up against a human monster called He

~

Wondering if you are wondering about me?

Hoping and praying that you’re feeling me

~

I reach out to you in every quiet moment

surprised at how often I think of you

Feeling afraid too, wondering

if it’s all a dream

a silly schoolgirl fantasy

of reading you being into me

~

Always a nagging ache

of missing your thoughts

and the warmth of you

Not counting days

just being

afraid of needing

Not empty because you are somehow

always with me

~

Knowing that beyond a doubt

you are the only one who holds

the key to the sacred part of me,

the part of me no one else has access to

Only you and always you

and it gives me a feeling

of warmth and security

knowing that you have been

and always are the one I want

when I think of wanting anyone

~

Certain in the certainty

of my utter fascination

and desire for you

You touch me in a way

that invades and engulfs me

in every color of feeling

~

Awakened long ago

are so many desires

swirling within

passions and new dreams

closings and openings

beginnings and endings

~

You ignite new lives in me

You bring out new sides of me

meant only to be touched by you

My needs are your needs

~

You exist

in the forefront

of my thoughts

You are a constant spark

that burns through
consumes me
 ~
You are my sun by day
my votive candlelight
on silent nights
far, but never far away
 ~
I never wane in my delight
when you cross my mind
when I let you into this corner
of the universe
that is consuming
every moment of time
 ~
You are under my skin
in my heart
reading the poems and thoughts
I send across the sky
 ~
You are mine
and my days wait for yours
 ~
Please, never let me go
I need you to stay
I need you to always find me
Let nothing get in your way
 ~
My soul has kept you tucked away
safe
in a place made for you
 ~
Only you inspire
Only you author
my unwritten parts
Only you have
this inexplicable
insanely beautifully
dark and mystical hold
over me
 ~
Every piece of me has opened up
and waits to be filled with only you
My words wait to sing to you
I wait to dance for you
~
I wait to become myself
forever meant to belong to you
 ~
So, please, don’t leave
just stay with me
~
©justagirllost2
*photo mine