Just a Girl Lost 2

Just a girl lost~ Here I share bits & pieces of me, in poetry, prose, music & posts from writers who inspire me.


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When a Lifetime of Reality isn’t Real, then what…

I was perusing my drafts tonight, looking for some snarky poetry for a friend, and I came across this. 

I know I wrote this.  The strange thing is that I don’t remember writing it.  I usually remember everything I write because I only write when my emotions are all emotional.  I’m either up, up, up or low, low, low.  I’m not an inbetween writer.  I wrote the title, When a Lifetime of Reality isn’t Real, then what… 

So, as I’m reading this, I’m thinking, “What was I going thru?  dealing with?”  It must have been something epic because like I said, I only write when compelled to do so, as in COMPELLED.  hmmmmm… I’m seriously curious.  I don’t believe in split personalities, yet it feels like someone else wrote this. curiouser and curiouser

Lately, I haven’t felt much like writing.  I’ve been dreaming a lot though.  A LOT. 

Maybe I should just write my dreams when I’m uninspired.  Huh, LIGHT BULB MOMENT!!!  lol   

I will be doing that. I’ll start writing my dreams on here.  Starting tomorrow!

Until then, I’ll leave you with my mysterious missive from last March.

Peace and Love to you all, even the haters (as our Marvelous President Donald Trump likes to say)  😉

Niki

 

 

 

what am I supposed to feel?

Numb  Stunned  Shocked  Disbelieving

Disillusioned   Duped  Distraught

Anger  Rage in Dreams Betrayed  Pain holds sway, a dirge to play, fast fading, Faith torn stripped tattered sways fast against Mind, Flesh & Bone.   Pain, like a Hawk, Claws Sink Deep Beneath Bone & Flesh, Spellbound Screaming Mind Blown Feeling Bits & Pieces Flowing Fleeing Gently Bleeding every Poisonous Drop of Pain.

No more crying in the rain.  No more Fantasy Falling to the Pain

Washed Up Brain Dead  Soul  Fucked  Back Run

Unfind

Rewind  Ahead my Steps No Turning Back  Time’s  Destined Path to Find  Life  

Unbound Unblind to Truth  this Life Unblind I find  Heart  I See  I Know

I Breathe  I  Soar  Beyond the Veil   I See Black Sky I Know It’s Name

UnBlue Pilled   Eyes  Wide  Open   Black Pitch  Death Trap  Matrix

 

Hopeless   Betrayed  Played

Lost

Sickened  Saddened  Broken  Ashamed

Hollow Hurt

Afraid  Exposed  Alarmed  Haunted

Wide Awake  Wired  Electric  Chaotic  Alive

Murderous  Livid  Repulsed  Revulsion Burning  Hate

White Hot  Hate

….

I’m Blown away by the the ease with which we hop, skipped & goose stepped into a red, white, and blue Looking Glass of Hell on Earth.

I’m more like ‘a-ha’ , ok, this must be ‘IT’

‘IT’ is finally here, for me at least.  ‘IT’ has always been waiting for me to ‘See’

I do now, I finally see…

I felt ‘IT’ about 16 years ago?   It’s hard to remember exactly.

I just know I felt it one day.

Like a quiet sonic boom, deep in me.

I felt like everything was real, but temporary.

Like a way station, forever fated and planned, an in between purgatory of sorts.

That’s how it felt, a purgatory, not deprived of anything, just my pride and being able to call anything my own.

It was grey, miserable, yet I had my family, my children, all that mattered, except for my own identity or home.

The second time I felt it was about 13 years ago.  Chloe was a new baby.

I was standing in the middle of the kids and my room.  Just standing there in a funk.  Single mom, living at home, sharing a room and way, way off the mark of where I thought my life, our lives, would and should be.   Feeling angry, mad, disgusted, embarrassed, ashamed, guilty.  Like a great, big L O S E R.  A disappointment to myself, dependent on my family, resentful at the shame time, bratty.  Just a mess of poor me and A LOT of growing up to do.

I felt it, this feeling like I was in a waiting room.

I’ve always had a nagging, uneasy voice, a whisper deep within me, within my soul

It sounds crazy, but it’s been there for so long.  Telling me to wait, just wait.

God, sounds bizarre reading it, but I swear, the voice was there.

I ‘heard’ it telling me something was coming, in the far, far distant future,

but IT was coming and life would never be the same as anyone knew it.  I FELT it, it never went away.

I let it go.

I don’t obsess over things I can’t change.

I didn’t feel anything but a complete certainty, a truth inside me, a calm

and I just said, “Ok.” and moved on with my days.

Have you ever had that happen?

I don’t know what they would call it.  

I know many people believe in psychic abilities, mediums, esp, etc.   I don’t.

I’m Catholic and I was raised to never mess with any kinds of occult things.

 

I don’t even read my horoscope.

 

@justagirllost2

*photo mine

 

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When I Love Again

 

image

 

When I commit to love again …

he will be my best friend,

my confidant,

my confessor who accepts

all of me

 

He will be the one I mesh with,

my missing piece in mind & heart, as I will be his.

 

He will be that one person who I like being around

Naked in every way

without inhibitions

without fear

free to explore every hidden

and forbidden fantasy

A magnet of lust requited.

Lusting a soul mate is always reciprocal

that’s one of the rules.

(He’s also gonna like to walk around naked at 2am

& eat Rocky Road ice cream from the fridge

from the same spoon)

 

He’ll be the one who talks politics and philosophy

He will not see the bad me, only the me who loves him.

When I’m mad & acting crazy,

he’ll kiss my forehead and say things to make me laugh at me

 

He’ll have a Truth and faith inside that cannot be denied

He will make me want to be the better person I should have been

He will be the nobility missing in me

 

He will be Himself, always

A man with a light inside he’s unafraid to hide

A man of courage, more than mine

 

A man of pure soul & pure heart

A man unafraid of the darkness within

A man unafraid to be who his spirit calls him to be

 

A man in love with Love

A man in love with me

A man who needs no others, but me and God, who brought us together

so that we could transform each other into the most perfect expressions of joy and happiness with all whom we love

Our children, our families, our friends all others share in the bounty of this One true Love
~

©justagirllost2


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All Over Again

Weekends together ~ just us two

Lying on lazy piles of pillows & clothes

tossed haphazardly in frenzied haste

after a night out of agonizing foreplay

consumed us with the need to taste each other’s flesh

I look up at you ~ I adore drowning in the depths of your eyes

I leisurely trace the life line of your palm,

loving the silence of our quiet togetherness

Peacefully reading~not watching the news

because we NEVER argue politics on Sundays

I long to be found in your smile

as you grab me & nuzzle my neck,

whispering how delicious & delectable is my nakedness,

except for those Damn socks! that I only take off in the shower

or if we’re making love or if we’re in the shower making love

I giggle as you tickle & bite, feeling your growl,

shivers run through me as I see that look in your eyes

letting me know that NOW it’s time to take them off …

And afterwards, sated & content

lying entwined ~ blissfully spent

your heartbeat on mine

I want to find you ~ all over again

~

 

©justagirllost2 

*image taken from Pinterest

~ a repost and a forever wish waiting to come true…


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The Way Alice Solves Unsavory Things

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~

‘Dear Alice,
Please, please attend my party. There will be tea & strumpets galore!

There will be endless diatribes without 1 door prize!

And the Caterpillar’s hookah shall be passed to Enlighten thee

as I & Miss Dormousy scream & dream of me, me, ME!

I promise, you will be most Deelighted by MY delightfulness!

Insincerely,
The MadMadMad Hatter’
~
sigh
poor Alice sighed as she glared at the invitation just delivered.

Number 169…
(Just how many days of the year were there in this UnWonderful

UnBirthdayland of thoughtless Twit & Twat?)

That Hatter! His persistence was only matched by his arrogance.

Quite mad & quite maddening!
Would it ever end?

For, on her sublimely short roll of those she despised

with the utmost fury & purest of disdain,

he and his lushy lousy Dourmousy were tiptops on

‘The Wretched Few Who Make My Skin Crawl’ list!

How could it have come to this?

Didn’t those so undroll & beneath contempt see

that she preferred to pretend that they DID UnExist?

After all, an UnBirthday invitation was a bit redundant

if one never existed wasn’t it?

Or was it all relative to her relativity of being cognizant of them?
Or…
Oh bother, curiouser & curiouser how confusing things could be

when dealing with such ridiculous beings

made up of delusions and dichotomies & pretensions and falsities

& every old and new found stupid stupidity.
“Just smoke & ash & garbled trash, my dear”, the Rabbit always cringed

as he read their warbled words written on paper tiger skins.

sigh again…

With a flip of her wrist she tossed the vile invitation into the bin labeled ‘DRIVEL’

filled with all the other putrid messes of poetic pontifical professes.

“There, that’s that! You inane insane arse-kissing hypocrite Mad Hat!

Since you and your ratty rat do not exist, your non-existent

PitTea party I shan’t even need to miss!”.

 

~the end

~

©justagirllost2

*Claire Rosen, artista, fashion shooting, her version of Alice in Wonderland


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I call that one, “Old Gregg”

~

I have loved Old Gregg since my oldest daughter introduced me to the character years ago.

I LOVE Old Gregg and The Mighty Boosh.  WATCH and FALL in love with OLD GREGG!!! ❤

~

Old Gregg:

Ever drunk Bailey’s from a shoe?

I’m gonna hurt you

I like you

what you think of me?

I know what you’re thinking…

~

http://mightyboosh.wikia.com/wiki/The_Legend_of_Old_Gregg

Check them out when you have a chance 🙂

~

©justagirllost2 ~ Monique

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MEEEEE!!!  🙂  xoxoxo  ❇️ ✳️❇️ ✳️


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Broken promises broke a heart~a Girl Lost falls down, down the rabbit hole found by Madness as Alice, again

My brain has a new Muse too, a demon I think, who inspired the poem out of evil spite

because he knows Alice is a part of me that I’ve tried to grow out of as I’ve matured in wisdom and tried so hard to love unconditionally, focusing on my blessings. Daily trying to remind myself that it’s all the little things that bring true joy & peace.  I fail miserably. 

That Alice in me, the girl who loves to break the rules & whine about how unfair Wonderland is when she’s the one who always drinking the Kool-Aid. Immature nitwit.

Here is is and I do hope you enjoy this twisted tale of a naughty twit, named Alice brought to life by an idiotic brunette, a lost girl with a lost mind.

 

A POEM~ 

A lost girl stunned into stillness, an animal trapped in steel jaws, no escape, nowhere to run from the light of day

In a darkened cave, lying in wait, adrift in a void of horrors unseen, mercifully blind Knowing the pain is in the seeing of Horror’s face. I wait to see clearly the moments before that fatal blow.  Observing, silently mindful of the reality that

my Mind has a mind of its own.

It slowly unfurls itself unpeeling inch by inch as lace and smoke, thoughts and soul of formless sentience

Created to live a human existence, a body, a home of flesh, a temple of divinity perfected before time began

only Completed by Love, reborn, healed, freed from the hell of a life lived in hopeless emptiness, reborn to be who I was meant to be living a life filled with peace and joy

Where heaven on earth becomes reality and I become a light to all humanity, an unstoppable force unafraid, a human divinely perfected by Love

but, now I’m just an empty shell 

of tissue and walls where nothing lives, but echoes of home

in delicate folds it finally falls from my skin like a leaf 

thru doors of Shame and Grief into a field 

once hid by weeds, a past revealed

in endless rows of weathered stone

unmarked, unlived, unseen

each simply bits and bones

memory buried in dirt

finally found the lock and key

to uncage my Sanity

Flying high like a bird in the sky

above the below

as my broken Heart flees to leave 

a Body beneath, bereft, besieged

between Living & Dead

Wasteland of desolation and despair

covered in endless sadness

Colorless grey fog & clouds of tears

no air or wind… only endless desert

a Purgatory of suffering Souls

like me, before

smug within vanity 

drunk on the arrogance of myopic divinity

uncaring in breaking another’s belief & trust

wrapped in my own Pride…

Then, that’s when the gods without warning struck;

a lighting bolt

a fiery revealing

of every

ugly~ selfish~ unloving feeling

every sin of omission~ every lie told

by a heart believing

it had healed itself gold

~

Cursing my reflection

Desolate

in my fall from grace

Calling out to Alice, “Please come & save me!”

Begging she come back to life & rescue my feeble mind

Watching myself from a far off place.

As if asleep in a hazy dreaming.

Seeing my body float & melt

into a Girl with yellow hair & an English rose face.

“Alice, sweet Alice, awakened to take my place!

You’re an angel to bear my unbearable blame!”

Her  smile soon turned into a scowl of pain.

“Time to begin…

the Hunger Games!

I know you will win for me, Alice.

You are my dearest friend!”

~

In an instant she was running like the wind

Her wits childlike again. She looked wild as an animal,

all reason replaced by raw instinct.

A pristine beauty in such primal insanity.

Her broken mind took flight racing the sun

to beat the moon’s rising soon

unleashing the hounds of hell to capture her

for another of my endless nights

of bloody torment & torture.

~

It’s true Alice, there’s no rest for the wicked.

I’m sorry to say! You should have behaved!

Poor Alice, you’ve always been more feline than female.

Always inquisitive, when awake, just like Dinah your cat.

A pretty pet, curiouser & curiouser, always wanting

to taste strange things then wishing you’d listened to reason.

Drinking poison & spewing nonsense,

until dizzy & spinning, ungrinning at the possibility

that impossibilities do not exist or happen as a fact.

~

Such a pretty, bloody trainwreck

painting white roses red

with the guard of playing card men

in a whirl of confusions

A swarm of faces cowering in winds,

as the Red Queen rips in, hailing fire balls

of bloodlust and Death

Screams of, “Off with her head!’

A daring escape, my sweet Alice!

You ran so swiftly back

to rolling hills

of mundane realities.

A relief, but how sad you must be!

Banished from a Wonderland

of vanishing Cats,

& Caterpillars smoking Hookahs

blowing rings of disdain at the endless invitations

to Unbirthdays from very Mad Hatters;

the Gleeful punctuality of

White Rabbit, watch in gloved hands

racing the hour glass

never changing his pace,

still somehow, forever missing his dates!

Never a boring moment to be had!

A land without you, sweet Alice, unhappy

for certain, but at least no one offed with your Head!

Count your blessings!

yet,  poor Alice, always Pondering

Words of Wisdom,

Never takes her own advice

Always wants to Taste more

of the Naughty than the Nice

Such a greedy Appetite…

~

??!AGAIN!?!?

~

Chasing the White Rabbit. 

Time to get her FIX!

~

She dives in blue seas of fantasy, 

swimming ‘neath reality, thru the Looking glass

Not even she gives a damn how much more this time she’ll bleed

Nothing but gladness & madness & upside down sadness!

Sanity’s only meant for reality; twits must fly regardless

Eyes wide shut! Blind to duty & those left behind us!

~

Crossing the border into a place of

desire and need~ hunger and greed

She’s her own deity

dancing~ weaving

slithering~ snaking

falling, falling deep within decay & dirt 

A bottomless pit of earth & blackness

falling down, down, down

the rabbit hole again

Lost in the twisted shadows of a hell

created by a soul afraid to grieve and

a heart deathly afraid to receive

~

“Alice, open your eyes,

please believe in inner beauty Alice,

not the outer lies!

Alice, you must try, try!

You are much, much more than my muchier friend!

If only you could see true…

Everyone falls! Everyone bleeds! Everyone needs!

L O V E

No one’s perfect or ever will be!

You must set yourself free from Past Prisons of Pleasing!

You must forget to remember

the High & Haughty telling you, “NO MORE DREAMS!”

STOP! GO

Fast Forward Past FREE to

just Be…  HaPpY!

Alice, I beg of you, please come back with me!

Come back with me!

Realize that your joy will never be lost.

You’ll always have books of words written to dream.

The secret is simply to accept the girl thru the looking glass.

I am you & you are me!

Accept it all, the joy and sadness of love and living.

Love the perfectly imperfect wonderland & madness.

Every beautiful bit and piece within us

we’re the heavenly sin

of a girl named Alice.”

~

©justagirllost2