Just a Girl Lost 2

Just a girl lost~ Here I share bits & pieces of me, in poetry, prose, music & posts from writers who inspire me.


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When a Lifetime of Reality isn’t Real, then what…

I was perusing my drafts tonight, looking for some snarky poetry for a friend, and I came across this. 

I know I wrote this.  The strange thing is that I don’t remember writing it.  I usually remember everything I write because I only write when my emotions are all emotional.  I’m either up, up, up or low, low, low.  I’m not an inbetween writer.  I wrote the title, When a Lifetime of Reality isn’t Real, then what… 

So, as I’m reading this, I’m thinking, “What was I going thru?  dealing with?”  It must have been something epic because like I said, I only write when compelled to do so, as in COMPELLED.  hmmmmm… I’m seriously curious.  I don’t believe in split personalities, yet it feels like someone else wrote this. curiouser and curiouser

Lately, I haven’t felt much like writing.  I’ve been dreaming a lot though.  A LOT. 

Maybe I should just write my dreams when I’m uninspired.  Huh, LIGHT BULB MOMENT!!!  lol   

I will be doing that. I’ll start writing my dreams on here.  Starting tomorrow!

Until then, I’ll leave you with my mysterious missive from last March.

Peace and Love to you all, even the haters (as our Marvelous President Donald Trump likes to say)  😉

Niki

 

 

 

what am I supposed to feel?

Numb  Stunned  Shocked  Disbelieving

Disillusioned   Duped  Distraught

Anger  Rage in Dreams Betrayed  Pain holds sway, a dirge to play, fast fading, Faith torn stripped tattered sways fast against Mind, Flesh & Bone.   Pain, like a Hawk, Claws Sink Deep Beneath Bone & Flesh, Spellbound Screaming Mind Blown Feeling Bits & Pieces Flowing Fleeing Gently Bleeding every Poisonous Drop of Pain.

No more crying in the rain.  No more Fantasy Falling to the Pain

Washed Up Brain Dead  Soul  Fucked  Back Run

Unfind

Rewind  Ahead my Steps No Turning Back  Time’s  Destined Path to Find  Life  

Unbound Unblind to Truth  this Life Unblind I find  Heart  I See  I Know

I Breathe  I  Soar  Beyond the Veil   I See Black Sky I Know It’s Name

UnBlue Pilled   Eyes  Wide  Open   Black Pitch  Death Trap  Matrix

 

Hopeless   Betrayed  Played

Lost

Sickened  Saddened  Broken  Ashamed

Hollow Hurt

Afraid  Exposed  Alarmed  Haunted

Wide Awake  Wired  Electric  Chaotic  Alive

Murderous  Livid  Repulsed  Revulsion Burning  Hate

White Hot  Hate

….

I’m Blown away by the the ease with which we hop, skipped & goose stepped into a red, white, and blue Looking Glass of Hell on Earth.

I’m more like ‘a-ha’ , ok, this must be ‘IT’

‘IT’ is finally here, for me at least.  ‘IT’ has always been waiting for me to ‘See’

I do now, I finally see…

I felt ‘IT’ about 16 years ago?   It’s hard to remember exactly.

I just know I felt it one day.

Like a quiet sonic boom, deep in me.

I felt like everything was real, but temporary.

Like a way station, forever fated and planned, an in between purgatory of sorts.

That’s how it felt, a purgatory, not deprived of anything, just my pride and being able to call anything my own.

It was grey, miserable, yet I had my family, my children, all that mattered, except for my own identity or home.

The second time I felt it was about 13 years ago.  Chloe was a new baby.

I was standing in the middle of the kids and my room.  Just standing there in a funk.  Single mom, living at home, sharing a room and way, way off the mark of where I thought my life, our lives, would and should be.   Feeling angry, mad, disgusted, embarrassed, ashamed, guilty.  Like a great, big L O S E R.  A disappointment to myself, dependent on my family, resentful at the shame time, bratty.  Just a mess of poor me and A LOT of growing up to do.

I felt it, this feeling like I was in a waiting room.

I’ve always had a nagging, uneasy voice, a whisper deep within me, within my soul

It sounds crazy, but it’s been there for so long.  Telling me to wait, just wait.

God, sounds bizarre reading it, but I swear, the voice was there.

I ‘heard’ it telling me something was coming, in the far, far distant future,

but IT was coming and life would never be the same as anyone knew it.  I FELT it, it never went away.

I let it go.

I don’t obsess over things I can’t change.

I didn’t feel anything but a complete certainty, a truth inside me, a calm

and I just said, “Ok.” and moved on with my days.

Have you ever had that happen?

I don’t know what they would call it.  

I know many people believe in psychic abilities, mediums, esp, etc.   I don’t.

I’m Catholic and I was raised to never mess with any kinds of occult things.

 

I don’t even read my horoscope.

 

@justagirllost2

*photo mine

 


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When I Love Again

 

image

 

When I commit to love again …

he will be my best friend,

my confidant,

my confessor who accepts

all of me

 

He will be the one I mesh with,

my missing piece in mind & heart, as I will be his.

 

He will be that one person who I like being around

Naked in every way

without inhibitions

without fear

free to explore every hidden

and forbidden fantasy

A magnet of lust requited.

Lusting a soul mate is always reciprocal

that’s one of the rules.

(He’s also gonna like to walk around naked at 2am

& eat Rocky Road ice cream from the fridge

from the same spoon)

 

He’ll be the one who talks politics and philosophy

He will not see the bad me, only the me who loves him.

When I’m mad & acting crazy,

he’ll kiss my forehead and say things to make me laugh at me

 

He’ll have a Truth and faith inside that cannot be denied

He will make me want to be the better person I should have been

He will be the nobility missing in me

 

He will be Himself, always

A man with a light inside he’s unafraid to hide

A man of courage, more than mine

 

A man of pure soul & pure heart

A man unafraid of the darkness within

A man unafraid to be who his spirit calls him to be

 

A man in love with Love

A man in love with me

A man who needs no others, but me and God, who brought us together

so that we could transform each other into the most perfect expressions of joy and happiness with all whom we love

Our children, our families, our friends all others share in the bounty of this One true Love
~

©justagirllost2


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All Over Again

Weekends together ~ just us two

Lying on lazy piles of pillows & clothes

tossed haphazardly in frenzied haste

after a night out of agonizing foreplay

consumed us with the need to taste each other’s flesh

I look up at you ~ I adore drowning in the depths of your eyes

I leisurely trace the life line of your palm,

loving the silence of our quiet togetherness

Peacefully reading~not watching the news

because we NEVER argue politics on Sundays

I long to be found in your smile

as you grab me & nuzzle my neck,

whispering how delicious & delectable is my nakedness,

except for those Damn socks! that I only take off in the shower

or if we’re making love or if we’re in the shower making love

I giggle as you tickle & bite, feeling your growl,

shivers run through me as I see that look in your eyes

letting me know that NOW it’s time to take them off …

And afterwards, sated & content

lying entwined ~ blissfully spent

your heartbeat on mine

I want to find you ~ all over again

~

 

©justagirllost2 

*image taken from Pinterest

~ a repost and a forever wish waiting to come true…


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The Way Alice Solves Unsavory Things

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~

‘Dear Alice,
Please, please attend my party. There will be tea & strumpets galore!

There will be endless diatribes without 1 door prize!

And the Caterpillar’s hookah shall be passed to Enlighten thee

as I & Miss Dormousy scream & dream of me, me, ME!

I promise, you will be most Deelighted by MY delightfulness!

Insincerely,
The MadMadMad Hatter’
~
sigh
poor Alice sighed as she glared at the invitation just delivered.

Number 169…
(Just how many days of the year were there in this UnWonderful

UnBirthdayland of thoughtless Twit & Twat?)

That Hatter! His persistence was only matched by his arrogance.

Quite mad & quite maddening!
Would it ever end?

For, on her sublimely short roll of those she despised

with the utmost fury & purest of disdain,

he and his lushy lousy Dourmousy were tiptops on

‘The Wretched Few Who Make My Skin Crawl’ list!

How could it have come to this?

Didn’t those so undroll & beneath contempt see

that she preferred to pretend that they DID UnExist?

After all, an UnBirthday invitation was a bit redundant

if one never existed wasn’t it?

Or was it all relative to her relativity of being cognizant of them?
Or…
Oh bother, curiouser & curiouser how confusing things could be

when dealing with such ridiculous beings

made up of delusions and dichotomies & pretensions and falsities

& every old and new found stupid stupidity.
“Just smoke & ash & garbled trash, my dear”, the Rabbit always cringed

as he read their warbled words written on paper tiger skins.

sigh again…

With a flip of her wrist she tossed the vile invitation into the bin labeled ‘DRIVEL’

filled with all the other putrid messes of poetic pontifical professes.

“There, that’s that! You inane insane arse-kissing hypocrite Mad Hat!

Since you and your ratty rat do not exist, your non-existent

PitTea party I shan’t even need to miss!”.

 

~the end

~

©justagirllost2

*Claire Rosen, artista, fashion shooting, her version of Alice in Wonderland