Just a Girl Lost 2

Just a girl lost~ Here I share bits & pieces of me, in poetry, prose, music & posts from writers who inspire me.


6 Comments

The Cat is a Mercenary of LOvE ~

*Lulu, one of our 3 cats

~
When our cat, the cat belonging only to herself,
deigns to sleep next to me

I feel special & loved
Our cat is a good judge of character.
I believe that Cats know how & who to love.
They’re fluffy, fickle, mercenary creatures.
They pretend not to know you sometimes.
They’re more patient than dogs.
They take their Sweet Cat Time
They’re selective about which lap they wanna lay in.
They definitely hold up in comparison

to Zack, our dog
who follows & gets in their faces
like a jumping bean, bouncing
out of reach NEVER taking the hint,
NEVER getting out of Cat Space,
’til they scratch/whack him.
He’s always in a frenzy of jealousy when they’re around us.

Cats meow when they need or feel.

Zack loves people too much & rarely barks.
He tries to escape anytime he can burst thru the door, whoosh & he’s GONE, on a doggie quest
leaving pee on every mailbox
& if it’s sunny day he rolls around in a special field & comes home smelling of vile, dead things.
Cats don’t roll in manure & toxic muck
They HATE unsanitary things
maybe that makes them smarter?
but,
to be fair, our cat, LuLu loves to lay
on counter tops & book shelves
& 5 out of 10 times she rolls right off
So, maybe Cats & Dogs are evenly matched, a bit smart, a bit stupid in their own unique way.
~
ps:
I adore our dog. He makes better company. He never leaves.

@justagirllost2

*photos mine.

Our dog Zack & me & just Zack.


10 Comments

I See

image

When the earth is veiled beneath magic

Heaven’s water droplets of fog

A mist brings blindness to the corruption of man

That’s when my heart flees from my mind

My body sighs as it follows my whims

My racing legs meet wet grass amidst tombstones

I cannot be without the within

of this place of fairy tales and greys

this place where time stands still

where spirits play

where every intrusion disappears

and all that’s left is purity of nothingness

Purity of silence that used to be

before civilizations cacophony

blazed trails of destruction

I feel the dew drip upon me

surrounding me in pieces of soul

of ghosts disembodied yet whole

and for once, for one brief moment,

I am at peace

I see only nature without beams & wires

No man made contrivances

I see only Beauty of lives in an eternal earth

beneath a sun that forever lives

I see me, you, us,

all in a dream

that is the true reality

~

©justagirllost2

*photo mine


30 Comments

The Moment I Saw You

untitled

~
The moment I saw you
Time stood still
I was lost~ entranced
as three Fates wove us into dance
the Earth un-spun forgot her place
but, for the gods, her saving grace
The smitten Wind, tame as a lamb
laughed at the Sun sudden shy
blushing in clouds behind the sky

Under your spell Life hypnotized
and then
you looked into my eyes
You touched my soul
I held your light
a universe returned to right
Blue carousel spinning again
Chariot of gods, ghost horses ran
all frenzied haste to beat the sand

My thundering heart
the only sound
whirlwind of thoughts
spinning me round
invading skin ~ heaven and sin
tasting life ~ drowning within
a newborn joy ~ beyond the breach
love’s miracle ~ within my reach

A brave new world
finally found
Lost in a place
I’d never known
A place deeper
than skin and bone
A place my Soul
knew all along
the place was You
the place was Home
~

©justagirllost2

*endlessly, an Ink on Paper by LOUI JOVER


12 Comments

My Feelings Never Wane

I’d fight with fire just to get close to you…

~

FORINSTAGRAMPOEMneverWane

~

My feelings

those dark, delirious

delicious feelings

My wants relentless

My needs

of desire ~ love ~ lust

never wane

they pulse pizzicato,

firm, strong

stronger

flowing thru me,

Vibrating my being

sighing touching tasting streaming

My thoughts never stop

touching

searching for yours

My lips never stop

aching

throbbing for a taste,

A bite

a lingering lick

of your skin

My body never stops

humming, quivering

burning to feel your lips

And though life is often insane

in its chaos

it never drives me to distraction

Only you commit that crime

Though I get lost, overwhelmed

and cannot find the strength to fight

Knowing you breathe and exist

Knowing you live in my world

Knowing who you are is my forever breath of life

You are my muse

My poetry

my inspiration

My desire

My delight

~

 ©justagirllost2

~

~

image

*top image by serge marshennikov

* bottom photo mine

… and my feelings never wane 🍃


14 Comments

The King of Lies

image

My Love obscene
Condemned to die
by a court of One
a King of Lies
Thief of my thoughts
this Judas Priest
Blackmailer punk
My soul sold cheap
carried his cross
Led on his leash
A genius of insanity
With gifts of dirt
& blasphemies
he buried me
he clipped my wings
Rabid for
a special treat
In recompense for my sin
I lay upon
stripped to skin
His Holy Grail
my bed of nails
His every pain
I bled for him
and
Oh,
how he loved
to watch me die
~

©justagirllost2

  • image by Lithuanian photographer Algis Griškevičius.

*in honor of #arielpoets I’m reposting this. The theme @arielpoets this month of January is Betrayal


20 Comments

Happiness

image

If Happiness is simply

a chemical released

in the brain

I want to figure out

how to blast out

that atomic bit

of bliss.

I want to braid

promised pulls

of happiness

in daisy chains

of magic mist.

I want to bury deep 

the winters

of betrayals and unloves.

I want to dam

the daily deluge,

the torrent of thoughts

the Shame, Hate and Rage

that floods my sorry heart.

A cacaophy of my own

and demonic taunts.

See,

I often, often pray“FIX ME! Now! Now! Now, please!”

I beg for miraculous healing of

every epic failing.

I beg to be whole, healthy, productive, serene.

“I NEED to be the ME I’m meant to be

I MUST make up for ALL my selfish,thoughtless, destructive indecencies.

Make me who I’m meant to be, please! please! please!

I plead over and over.

A noble mantra(to my narcissistic need)

prayed with utmost contrition, angst and sincerity.

“I KNOW that You have to answer, don’t You?

I mean,You’ve healed so many people

way worse off and way more screwed up than me,

and I BELIEVE!

See, God, I believe!

So, c’mon, I’m ready now,

I’m so ready now to be healed.”

I plead,

waiting to be freed,

waiting for a miracle, dammit!

It’s not working! I’m still the messed up, old me.

I bet I’m being ignored because I’m not determined enough. I need to beg and whine with more sincerity.

NOTHING … NOTHING, but the buzzing voices of my own vanity.

“I must be unfixable.

I must be too weak.

What was I thinking?

I’m way beyond healing.

Even He can’t fix me.”

I Sink

deeper and deeper into myself & my selfishness

“MY way must be the ONLY way out of this daily abyss of discontent.

This life is all there is & so I’ll make the best of it

until I can figure out how to fix myself.”

It’s so much easier to believe in the god of Me.

I may be doomed to mediocrity, but at least I’m ‘home’ within the familiar confines of my darkened,broken mind. I will always be my own place to hide. (my own Pride)

I’ll make sure I always have a retreatw here I can pretend I’m leading a ‘normal’, fulfilling happy life.

Keep my dirty little secrets hidden inside.

Retreat into a fantasy world to forget the real world around me.

“I am a martyr, don’t they see? Nobody understands me! I have NEEDS! I DESERVE to be free to be worshiped by others in my kingdom of ME.”

A place where selfishness, fear, apathy,resentment, blame, anger, negativity and eendless self-pity run free.

Where I’m in control because only I know what’s best for me.

Life should be PLEASING me.

Pleasure and Control, insidious beasts eating me up alive.

My passions & desires own me.

A me I create in the image of what I want others to see.

Emotions & feelings drive my insatiable need to be happy.

A blank page desperate for a saviour’s ink.

I’m not real unless they SEE me.

My stubborn pride, my petulant need,

my childish mind keeps me blind to other’s reality.

“FEED ME FEED ME FEED ME because you NEED me!”

I’m dying inside. I’ve become a parasite of heart, soul & mind.

~

And then, through the miracle of Grace,

little by little, day by day,

I begin to FEEL so DEEPLY the pain, sadness & need for love of those around me.Their feelings begin to matter more than my own

I am filled with longing for something I cannot define or explain. A warmth flows thru me.

My cold heart is melting to Love

completely.

I’m healing.

Life won’t let me declare myself neutral

in this war anymore.

I have to decide whether to fly or fight.

I no longer find surcease in my usual distractions

I’m not able to ‘delete’ & bury my conscience & justify

my infantile dissolute vanities.

I used to be able to run away with impunity

seeking out those like me.

Things are different now.

I, who always arrogantly thought myself

so brave & so much stronger than others.

I see only a paper tiger.

A coward afraid to face the truth. I am words, not actions. A fool.

Something inside of me cries out. I’m ready to be free. I’m ready to let the emptiness and dark silence wash over and consume me.

I am defiant. I am tired. I have decided with every fiber of my being that

Fear will no longer rule me.

I choose to be happy, joyful & free.

I walk through the valley of humble defeat.

I’m a prisoner of true Love.

I throw myself into His arms in complete, terrified,

childlike, loving trust.

I’m finally ready to let Him Be

and work through me.

I know I have no strength.

I’ve failed miserably.

I know I have to let go of the past.

I have to hold on to now and all that will be.

I’m going in blind, hands tied, Letting Him lead.

I’m dying to Me. It’s not easy. Not at first.

I still grieve the old me.

I have to drag myself across that bridge of doubt & lack of faith.

Without humility & complete honesty, I can’t bear to cross it.

It isn’t exactly how I’d pictured it to be, once I’d waved the

white flag, I’d expected Him to carry me!

So tempting to slide back down that hill into my old ways.

I wanna run & hide again, but I don’t.

I stay and I run, I run, towards & unknown Fate.

I run over that bridge. From night to day.

From comatose to wide awake. No longer lost.

I’ve finally found my way.

And somehow I’ve changed.

I am ready to live the truth I’ve always believed,

yet was too afraid to seek.

That ‘suffering’ of this life will bring understanding,

growth & healing and will lead to a happiness

far beyond what my human nature can ever dare to imagine.

That ‘fixing’ means changing & becoming unbroken

into a divine, unique creation of me as part of the human family.

For, how can we know true peace if we only think of

our own wants and needs?

So, now I pray for wisdom & patience

for hope & fortitude

I pray for humility and gratitude

I pray to let go of all fear and control

I pray for the strength to leap into the abyss

of complete and utter trust, always.

To never falter again. To step out over the precipice

of my fallen, miserable comfort zone

into the arms of an unimaginable

mystical, unthinkable, beautiful

and all possible unknown.

It’s a never ending journey of self-discovery

Self-inflicted tortures of silence & reflection

Looking in mirrors of past pains soul deep

Breaking off dirty, bloody pieces until, suddenly,

like a dandelion in the wind, my soul flies beyond me

no longer imprisoned ready to rise higher.

Uncaged, unfettered, uncovered & free

to allow in a deeper, more perfect level of

all that is truly good & beautiful.

To Love unconditionally my children & my family

To see the divinity in others

To see the exquisite perfection & magic in mundane things

And no matter what trials, disappointments & pain

this life brings, I’ll be able to dance in the rain

I’ve forever changed.

I’ll still mess up again

and slip back and lose my peace, but

I will always know & believe

that Happiness lives

in my Loving the world

outside & inside of me.

~

©justagirllost2

*photo mine. St. Peter’s Catholic Church Cemetery in Carencro, Louisiana


19 Comments

The Blue Dream

f3a5ebafe710d382e0ee63f2635f8cac

I promised I would write my dreams,

since I’m not inspired right now to write anything

about Love or Life or Living.

I have been dreaming lately and that is a rarity.

I mean that i am ‘remembering’ my dreams.

I know that we all dream, blah, blah, blah.

I just lately have had some memorable dreams

as in BRIGH COLORS

and STRANGE SITUATIONS.

In this dream, I’ll call it ‘The Blue Dream’, I am in a HUGE, MASSIVE, meandering house.

This huge house is apparently being ‘given’ to me and my children.

(my children’s ages vary and morph as the dream progresses)

In the process of moving in, the former tenants have left a LOT OF STUFF, weird stuff and the former tenants (picture The Brady Bunch times 10) the Brady Bunch are ‘helping’ me clean-up.

As they help me clean up they are also finding things they had forgotten and are happily taking them home.

This house is HUGE and one room has a red puppet theater and a white baby bed and lots of baby toys just lying around.

It’s night and the room is bluish in hue with lights dancing off the walls.

There are people pulling wallpaper off, sawing, hammering, nailing, taking paneling off, putting things in bags.

We move on into the kitchen.  The kitchen is a jumble of carpentry, hardware, sawdust, no table or anything, just a weird metallic, greenish, harsh, undone, uninviting mess.

There’s white stuff everywhere.

Like, that white stuff on walls and ceilings, crumbly and powdery white.

There’s drawers lying on the floor filled with CRAP.

You know, that junk drawer you just throw little pieces of crap into.  There are drawers scattered and tossed and filled with utensils and forks, knives, spoons, corn-cob holders, different colored rubber bands, tacks, tacks, tacks, little nails and all the little things you need to stick things to the wall.  BORING.

I march/slither/slide upstairs, downstairs, all around, seeing rooms with bunk beds, seeing into bathrooms with clothes hanging everywhere and toothbrushes, toothpaste, pictures, children’s paintings, all sorts of things just everywhere.  Stuff left behind, not worthy of keeping, but the Brady’s were realizing that there was some pretty cool stuff they’d left behind and so as I’m seeing into these rooms, I’m seeing the Brady’s picking up, sorting thru, laughing about, holding onto all this stuff they had forgotten about.  They’re finding treasure as I’m tearing down to move in and it’s a chaotic mess.  NOISE and MESS and NOISE and ripping and tearing and running thru the house.

I turn and step into an elevator.  It’s a brown elevator.  Wood with scratches in it.  I step in hesitantly, I know I’m going down, I know I have to get in, but also I decide in this dream that I am NOT going to be stuck in this elevator.  (I am SO CLAUSTROPHOBIC. As a child I wasn’t in the least, but as an adult, I am)

Suddenly, I come to a STOP.  I’m at a dead end.  No where to go forward. I step out of the elevator and am a bit relived because my lucid dreaming worked!

A cul-de-sac in the hallway.  I’m standing in a hallway.  I look to my right and I see sitting on a wooden crate a blond girl, about 5 or 6, wearing yellow shorts and top.  She has pigtails and is just sitting quietly, solemnly on the crate in the cul-de-sac staring at me. Not moving, just staring at me.

I need the bathroom.

I turn suddenly and look straight ahead.  I’m looking in a mirror.  I’m in a bathroom.

I’m standing in a narrow, white enamel on the wall, white sink, light bulb hanging down with a pull string, bathroom.

I look in the mirror and I’m COMPLETELY BLUE.  I’m covered in blue.  Painted blue.  A cobalt blue.  My hair is a mess, all frizzy and sticking out and BLUE.  My skin is blue.  My gown is blue.  My feet are blue!  I look at the girl and feel confusion, I know I have to keep going.  I look down the hallway.

I hear people laughing and I know there is a party going on.

I turn and find some stairs.

I go down these dingy, dark stairs.  The whole house is falling apart/being redone.  It’s got a 70’s vibe. The party room.  Paneling, blue and green furniture, not too well lit.  It’s dim, like a dying sun yellow.

It’s a party and everyone is happy and laughing and talking, but the colors and smell and feeling all say dank, dark, slime, oppressive.

I step into the room and see everyone dressed in groovy polyester pantsuits and dresses, chunky shoes and puffy hair.  I see our neighbor from across the street.  Miss Bea.

She and her husband, Mr. Andy, were my second parents.  They had 4 kids, the youngest girl was a year younger than me and my best friend, my sister almost.  We spent everyday together. Our mom’s would drink coffee and talk and we would play.  We practically lived together. 

Miss Bea.

She looks beautiful.

She’s smiling and laughing, wearing a lovely dress and she’s young.

I’m surprised to see her there because she’s dead.

She tells me that she’s with her daughter.

Her first pregnancy was a miscarriage, they named her Susan, and I’d always felt a sadness from her when she thought about Susan.  I loved Miss Bea.  She was very quiet, tiny.  Didn’t drive a car.  Her husband drove her everywhere. 

Miss Bea, my sweet, mysterious, very kind, never raised her voice, LOVED romance novels, smoked like a chimney, my mom’s best friend, my second mom was telling me she was happy and with her daughter. 

I was uncomfortable the whole time, of course, I’m in disarray.  My hair is a mess and I’m covered in blue! I turned to look around …

I woke up.

That’s it.

That’s my Blue Dream.

 

*image, Death and the Mirror, James Christensen

@justagirllost2