Just a Girl Lost 2

Just a girl lost~ Here I share bits & pieces of me, in poetry, prose, music & posts from writers who inspire me.


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In These Grey Days

A re post, but still very relevant. 

A family matter, an upheaval, a disruption, a tyranny

that’s been ongoing 2 years now

and

very soon the clouds will disappear, very, very soon.

I hope and pray all comes to the good and that finally

the weight will be lifted off of my and my family’s shoulders

and we’ll once again be able to breathe.

Niki

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In these grey days filled with tears and sadness

Fear, now my master

taunting me as I am kissed by Judas

Handed over to my accuser

Betrayer of her own, of ALL preyed upon

ruthless her kindness, relentless her cruelty

Shuffling papers = attack mode- ON

Going down her Hit List of Total Bullshit

all HIS LIES and her side show

Eye-rollin’ sarcasm when she gets called out as a Liar.

Rude and unprofessional with ZERO class

or decorum.

She sits there & LIES & DISTORTS

& MANIPULATES the TRUTH.

It’s beyond hypocrisy.  It is beyond injustice.

It is EVIL, pure & simple

and, the mask of being ‘Civilized’

is grafted down to her bone.  There is nothing

‘real’ left within her to be shown

Not an ounce of empathy, compassion or

humanity.

I feel like Daniel thrown to the Lions…

I sit there alone.  

Completely, utterly alone.

Watching her moods swing from snarky law bitch

to a soft-spoken,  jovial, chubby Aunt Bee

with really bad hair.

She has her shtick down pat.

Sharing  little stories and anecdotes

of bad guys ALWAYS getting caught

trying to beat the drug test.

Remember?

Remember that one woman…STAB …

she tested negative with the pee test, but

that hair test  was off the charts positive

she had SO much crack …

STICK… in her system!!!

(here it comes)… STABSTABSTAB

“See? don’t be a stupid crack whore

you clueless peasant”, her soulless eyes

tell you.

and

All I feel is sad.  So sad…

This wasn’t just a crack whore,

another notch on your scratching post!

This was a HUMAN BEING, a woman

who wasn’t born a criminal.

This is a daughter, a mother

Long ago her innocence lost, and now

her child’s is being lost…

broken home, broken heart, broken lives

So much suffering, generations

affected and it’s all laughed away

’cause

“People are stupid, useless, ignorant anyway.”

She loves to stick those pins

I feel so cold and sick, as if I’m going to 

crawl out of my skin.

I get it now.  Most of it.  Need more time

to process.  I’m far from ok.  I’m in a zone

of stress .  I need to get my composure back

I need to act oblivious.  I’m numb.

Frozen in this strange dread and confusion 

My thoughts, flatlined… dead.

Is this what hell feels like?

Her demented giggle never quite reaching

her squinty little eyes,

she’s watching me across the table.

“Eyes are the windows of the soul.”,

keeps running through my head.

Curiosity gets the best of me

I look straight up at her, not past her.

I SEE her.

I see a sad excuse for a human being.

I feel surprised, shocked actually,

at this slovenly mess across from me.

“How in the hell can that woman NOT have

a zillion issues? How OLD is she? She can’t be

that much older than me, 10-15 years? She looks

like a bag lady who just rolled out of bed.

Good Lord. Hasn’t she heard of Maybelline?

I bet she has about 5 cats already ’cause

they don’t know ‘Heil’ from ‘Here, kitty kitty'”

I  SEE her.

A bitter, hate-filled, unkempt, insecure,

vicious woman who is out to annihilate me.

She HATES women. She HATES me.

She has found the PERFECT client in HIM.

She’s a paid abuser.

Hired by the man who abused & is still abusing me.

She is beneath contempt.

I feel disdain, rage, & offense beyond belief.  

Seeing into eyes of a woman

who looks old

tired

Two dirty, cracked windows to

a soul like a rat grey, listless & fat

and a heart like a shriveled husk

dead, cold & black

I SEE her.

A desolate wad of dark energy

Nothing resembling happiness exudes from her.

She is a slave to pride & the intellect of man.

She is dead in spirit,

nothing but an animal, flesh & bone.

She is one of THEM

They are the Undead among us

Beady eyes always calculating

Greedy maws always salivating

Monsters created by shallow minds

The hunt is all they crave

To rise the ranks & win a worthless game

against the other locusts who feed

on the misery of society.

Power, Lust, Envy and Hate

Living for esteem from those they despise

To be worshiped & feared

To corrupt all that is good is their delight

To destroy Love, & make wrong right

Slimy things

Born again in primordial swamps

of corruption and poison

they breed the ancient disease

of fallen Eden

Desperate to be ‘seen’

Ego fuels their vapid lives

Slaves to base passions

the animals speak as civilizations die

They are the worst of humanity

I cannot bear to breathe the same air they breathe

I feel dirty, stained

I can’t wash off the foul stench

of Putrid decay they leave in their wake

I’m contaminated by filth

Drowning in a sea of hate

Caught in a trap

well-laid for years

by Him

Me, gullible, and naive

in my ignorance deceived

Now I see a darkness I’ve never known

Ugliness I thought I was privy to

Books I read, scars received, nothing prepared

me for these assaults on my sanity

Anger unreal, hate hidden, nothing revealed

until the fangs sink in, withdraw, smile, rip again

as if I’m just some plaything

a rag doll eviscerated invisibly

a puppet hanging by bloody strings of flesh

I am soul shocked

I am mind raped

stripped

flayed alive by demons

wearing suits of skin

Strangers paid to hate, not another

human, I am nothing but a

sad specimen below their pay grade

yet,

I refuse to die

My blessing and curse my belief in the Afterlife

so, I stay

In these so often colorless days & nights

filled with prayers and pleas & begging

to a celestial Being I now struggle to believe in

Nothing sates me

Nothing takes me away from

nothing but pain & panic

I am crushed on all sides

I am only living for one thing

My Children’s Lives and Sanity

the rest of me is in limbo

Lost in a fog of protecting those I love

Sleep sucks me into tormented dreams

I fight and claw myself awake

Slipping away is my faith,

yet

I hang on,

for some strange reason

without desire or contemplation,

I hang on

I feel a longing for a distant song

I reach across the abyss and grasp

I find you, I feel you

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You vibrate through me

your existence blankets me

your thoughts enfold me

in the warmth of knowing

I am never alone

You are the flame always burning

Calling out to me as my own draws

new life from you

My horizon, my sun

you always

no matter how foul my mood

your words surround, hold

comfort, enfold

Your soul shines

as I wander in mists of purgatory

Lost until I feel you again

You are a guiding star, always near

though I fall and falter

though I run in fear

Your light burns midnight alive

I smile in the storm

I smile past the pain,

if only for a little while,

I smile

Your words remind me

there is hope and beauty

there is love and magic

there is joy surrounding me

in every seeming tragedy

that I am blessed beyond belief

that I have strength from He who created me

that I have souls who depend upon and need me

that I am loved unconditionally

 

Your words spin webs of tranquility

as they engage my heart to beat again

Your inner strength unbinds me

and reminds me, ‘This too shall pass’

 

I see you, I see into your heart

It’s a mystery, yet I know you

feel it too

I see your faith in me

I see that I need to rise to

truth and nobility existing

within and around me

I see myself

in a mirror untainted

I see myself in you

You see me through eyes of beauty

You accept me with impunity

I smile

I whisper your name

in thanks I praise your existence

in this world, in my world

 

I pray you feel my kisses I send

upon gentle winds, across infinity

my lips curved in a soft smile

in wordless joy for your gift to me

Your soul

your poetry

washes me new

I feel clean

I feel free

I feel redeemed

on these grey days touched by you

 

~

 *And though the darkness has deepened, the Light was and is unchanging and I refuse to let myself become consumed by evil souls.  God IS my salvation and He WILL protect my family.  My children’s well-being, happiness and safety are my priority.

I still find moments to breathe.  I still find moments to reflect and see the good God ALWAYS brings out of seemingly insurmountable obstacles and betrayals. 

Thank you all for reading me, truly and thank you for your posts

I always gain insight, inspiration and beauty from all I read and follow in this blogging community. 

Peace xo

©justagirllost2

*photos mine

 

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The King of Lies

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My Love obscene
Condemned to die
by a court of One
a King of Lies

Thief of my thoughts
this Judas Priest
Blackmailer punk
My soul sold cheap
carried his cross
Led on his leash

A genius of insanity
With gifts of dirt
& blasphemies
he buried me
he clipped my wings
Rabid for
a special treat

In recompense for my sin
I lay upon
stripped to skin

His Holy Grail
my bed of nails
His every pain
I bled for him

and

Oh,

how he loved
to watch me die

~

©justagirllost2 

* image by Lithuanian photographer Algis Griškevičius.

*in honor of #arielpoets  I’m reposting this.  The theme @arielpoets this month of January is Betrayal 


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Sun Tzu’s 31 Best Pieces Of Leadership Advice

This is a very interesting article about Sun Tzu. 

I think #21 is the most important & perhaps the most difficult.

Many of these I learned the hard way…

@justagirllost2

~

Sun Tzu’s 31 Best Pieces Of Leadership Advice

There was no greater war leader and strategist than Chinese military general Sun Tzu.  His philosophy on how to be a great leader and ensure you win in work, management, and life is summed up in these 33 pieces of advice.  They can all be applied by you in your job when you go back to work next week:

There was no greater war leader and strategist than Chinese military general Sun Tzu.  His philosophy on how to be a great leader and ensure you win in work, management, and life is summed up in these 33 pieces of advice.

    1. A leader leads by example, not by force.
    2. You have to believe in yourself.
    3. Appear weak when you are strong, and strong when you are weak.
    4. If your enemy is secure at all points, be prepared for him. If he is in superior strength, evade him. If your opponent is temperamental, seek to irritate him. Pretend to be weak, that he may grow arrogant. If he is taking his ease, give him no rest. If his forces are united, separate them. If sovereign and subject are in accord, put division between them. Attack him where he is unprepared, appear where you are not expected.
    5. The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting.
    6. Supreme excellence consists of breaking the enemy’s resistance without fighting.
    7. If the mind is willing, the flesh could go on and on without many things.
    8. Victorious warriors win first and then go to war, while defeated warriors go to war first and then seek to win.
    9. To know your Enemy, you must become your Enemy.
    10. Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.
    11. Can you imagine what I would do if I could do all I can?
    12. Even the finest sword plunged into salt water will eventually rust.
    13. Engage people with what they expect; it is what they are able to discern and confirms their projections. It settles them into predictable patterns of response, occupying their minds while you wait for the extraordinary moment — that which they cannot anticipate.
    14. If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles. If you know yourself but not the enemy, for every victory gained you will also suffer a defeat. If you know neither the enemy nor yourself, you will succumb in every battle.
    15. Thus we may know that there are five essentials for victory:1 He will win who knows when to fight and when not to fight.

      2 He will win who knows how to handle both superior and inferior forces.

      3 He will win whose army is animated by the same spirit throughout all its ranks.

      4 He will win who, prepared himself, waits to take the enemy unprepared.

      5 He will win who has military capacity and is not interfered with by the sovereign.

    16. Be extremely subtle, even to the point of formlessness. Be extremely mysterious, even to the point of soundlessness. Thereby you can be the director of the opponent’s fate.
    17. Strategy without tactics is the slowest route to victory. Tactics without strategy is the noise before defeat.
    18. There are not more than five musical notes, yet the combinations of these five give rise to more melodies than can ever be heard.There are not more than five primary colors, yet in combination they produce more hues than can ever been seen.There are not more than five cardinal tastes, yet combinations of them yield more flavors than can ever be tasted.
    19. Opportunities multiply as they are seized.
    20. When the enemy is relaxed, make them toil. When full, starve them. When settled, make them move.
    21. Know yourself and you will win all battles.
    22. Move swift as the Wind and closely-formed as the Wood. Attack like the Fire and be still as the Mountain.
    23. Let your plans be dark and impenetrable as night, and when you move, fall like a thunderbolt.
    24. When strong, avoid them. If of high morale, depress them. Seem humble to fill them with conceit. If at ease, exhaust them. If united, separate them. Attack their weaknesses. Emerge to their surprise.
    25. All warfare is based on deception. Hence, when able to attack, we must seem unable; when using our forces, we must seem inactive; when we are near, we must make the enemy believe we are far away; when far away, we must make him believe we are near.
    26. There is no instance of a country having benefited from prolonged warfare.
    27. The greatest victory is that which requires no battle.
    28. Treat your men as you would your own beloved sons. And they will follow you into the deepest valley.
    29. Build your opponent a golden bridge to retreat across.
    30. All warfare is based on deception.
    31. When you surround an army, leave an outlet free. Do not press a desperate foe too hard.

 

https://www.forbes.com/sites/ericjacksonSun Tzu’s 31 Best Pieces Of Leadership Advice via @forbes/2014/05/23/sun-tzus-33-best-pieces-of-leadership-advice/#3486baa35e5e


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Be a lotus flower…

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“As a lotus flower is born in water, grows in water and rises out of water to stand above it unsoiled, so I, born in the world, raised in the world having overcome the world, live unsoiled by the world”

 

~ Buddha

 

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©justagirllost2


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I’m New

 

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I’ve changed

the old me is in the rearview

I’ve changed

the new me drags no chains

my heart ~ my thoughts

my decisions rearranged

I’m new

everyday,

from this day thru

I’m new

~

©justagirllost2

A new song I love and I hope you will love it as much as I do ~ xo

~


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Happiness

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If Happiness is simply a chemical released in the brain

I want to figure out how to release that elusive little bit of bliss

To have the certainty of being able to pull that magical daisy chain

of only always sunshine, again & again & again.

No more to be deluged by storms of life

that every season drown my sorry heart

in tears of endless rain

So,

I always often pray, “FIX ME! Now Now Now, please!”

I beg to be miraculously healed of all my weaknesses and flaws.

I beg to become completely whole, healthy, productive and serene.

“I NEED to be the me I am meant to be and somehow make up for ALL my selfish,

thoughtless, destructive, behaviors of the past.

Make me who I’m meant to be, please please please.”

I plead over and over.

A noble mantra (to my narcissistic mind)

prayed with the utmost contrition, angst and sincerity.

“I KNOW that You just have to answer, don’t You??

I mean,You’ve healed so many people

way worse off and way more screwed up than me, and I BELIEVE!

See, God, I believe!  So, c’mon, I’m ready now, I’m so ready now to be healed.”

I plead and plead, waiting to be freed, waiting to be transformed miraculously.

It’s not working!  I’m still the messed up, old me.

I bet I’m being ignored because I’m not determined enough!

I just need to beg and whine with more sincerity.

NOTHING … NOTHING, but the buzzing voices of my own vanity.

“I must be unfixable.  I must be too weak.  

What was I thinking?

I’m beyond healing.  

Even He can’t fix me.”

I Sink

deeper and deeper into myself & my selfishness

“MY way must be the ONLY way out of this daily abyss of discontent.

This life is all there is & so I’ll make the best of it

until I can figure out how to fix myself.”

It’s so much easier to believe in the god of Me.  

I may be doomed to mediocrity, but at least I’m ‘home’

within the familiar confines of my darkened,

broken mind.

I will always be my own place to hide. (that’s called Pride)

I’ll make sure I always have a retreat

where I can pretend be leading a ‘normal’, fulfilling happy life.

Keeping my dirty little secrets hidden inside.

Retreating into a fantasy world to forget the real world around me.

“I am a martyr, don’t they see?  Nobody understands me!  I have NEEDS!

I DESERVE to be free to be worshiped by others in my kingdom of ME.”

A place where selfishness, fear, apathy,

resentment, blame, anger, negativity & endless self-pity

are justified.

Where ‘escape’ isn’t being weak, it’s being ‘happy’.

Where I’m in control because only I know what’s best for me.

Life should be PLEASING me.

Pleasure and  Control, insidious beasts eating me up alive.

My passions & desires own me.

A me I create in the image of what I want others to see.

Emotions & feelings drive my insatiable need to be happy.

A blank page desperate for a saviour’s ink.

I’m not real unless they SEE me.

My stubborn pride, my petulant need,

my childish mind keeps me blind to all other’s reality.

“FEED ME FEED ME FEED ME because you NEED me!”

I’m dying inside. I’ve become a parasite of heart, soul & mind.

~

And then, through the miracle of Grace,

little by little, day by day, I begin to FEEL so DEEPLY

the pain, sadness & need for love of those around me.

Their feelings begin to matter more than my own

I am filled with longing for something

I cannot define or explain.

A warmth flows thru me.

My cold heart is melting to Love

completely.  

I’m healing.

Life won’t let me declare myself neutral

in this war anymore.

I have to decide whether to fly or fight.

I no longer find surcease in my usual distractions

I’m not able to ‘delete’ & bury my conscience & justify

my infantile dissolute vanities.

I used to be able to run away with impunity

seeking out those like me.

Things are different now.

I who always arrogantly thought myself

so brave & so much stronger than others.

I see I am only a paper tiger.

A coward afraid to

face the truth.  I am words, not actions.

A fool.

Something inside of me cries out.

I’m ready to be free.

I’m ready to let the emptiness

& dark silence wash over and consume me.

I am defiant. I am tired.

I have decided with every fiber of my being that

Fear will no longer rule me.

I choose to be truly happy, joyful & free.

I walk through the valley of humble defeat.

I’m a prisoner of true Love.

I throw myself into His arms in complete, terrified,

childlike, loving trust.

I’m finally ready to let Him Be

& work through me.

I know I have no strength.

I’ve failed miserably.

I know I have to let go of the past.

I have to hold on to now and all that will be.

I’m going in blind, hands tied, Letting Him lead.

I’m dying to Me.   It’s not easy.   Not at first.

I still grieve the old me.

I have to drag myself across that bridge of doubt & lack of faith.

Without humility & complete honesty, I can’t bear to cross it.

It isn’t exactly how I’d pictured it to be, once I’d waved the

white flag,  I’d expected Him to carry me!

So tempting to slide back down that hill into my old ways.

I wanna run & hide again, but I don’t.

I stay and I run, I run, towards & unknown Fate.

I run over that bridge.  From night to day.

From comatose to wide awake.   No longer lost.

I’ve finally found my way.

And somehow I’ve changed.

I am ready to live the truth I’ve always believed,

yet was too afraid to seek.

That ‘suffering’ of this life will bring understanding,

growth & healing and will lead to a happiness

far beyond what my human nature can ever dare to imagine.

That ‘fixing’ means changing & becoming unbroken

into a divine, unique creation of me as part of the human family.

For, how can we know true peace if we only think of

our own wants and needs?

So, now I pray for wisdom & patience

for hope & fortitude

I pray for humility and gratitude

I pray to let go of all fear and control

I pray for the strength to leap into the abyss

of complete and utter trust, always.

To never falter again.  To step out over the precipice

of my fallen, miserable comfort zone

into the arms of an unimaginable

mystical, unthinkable, beautiful

and all possible unknown.

It’s a never ending journey of self-discovery

Self-inflicted tortures of silence & reflection

Looking in mirrors of past pains soul deep

Breaking off dirty, bloody pieces until, suddenly,

like a dandelion in the wind, my soul flies beyond me

no longer imprisoned ready to rise higher.

Uncaged, unfettered, uncovered & free

to allow in a deeper, more perfect level of

all that is truly good & beautiful.

To Love unconditionally my children & my family

To see the divinity in others

To see the exquisite perfection & magic in mundane things

And no matter what trials, disappointments & pain

this life brings, I’ll be able to dance in the rain

I’ve forever changed.

I’ll still mess up again

and slip back and lose my peace, but

I will always know & believe

that Happiness lives

in my Loving the world

outside & inside of me.

~

 

©justagirllost2

*photo mine.  St. Peter’s Catholic Church Cemetery in Carencro, Louisiana


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I See

image

When the earth is veiled beneath magic

Heaven’s water droplets of fog

A mist brings blindness to the corruption of man

That’s when my heart flees from my mind

My body sighs as it follows my whims

My racing legs meet wet grass amidst tombstones

I cannot be without the within

of this place of fairy tales and greys

this place where time stands still

where spirits play

where every intrusion disappears

and all that’s left is purity of nothingness

Purity of silence that used to be

before civilizations cacophony

blazed trails of destruction

I feel the dew drip upon me

surrounding me in pieces of soul

of ghosts disembodied yet whole

and for once, for one brief moment,

I am at peace

I see only nature without beams & wires

without man made contrivances

I see only Beauty of lives in an eternal earth

beneath a sun that forever lives

I see me, you, us, all in a dream that is the true reality

~

©justagirllost2 

*photo mine