Black holes and my heart are old friends

Funny how every time I’m feeling at peace, my mother can skin me alive and rip out my heart in a matter of moments.

Seems it’s the times I’m finally getting things together in my own heart, mind, soul and I’m doing the best I know knowing it’s ok and that God’s in control.

It’s like there is something inside of her that has this mission to annihilate me.

It’s a fact of life, no more no less.  It is what it is.  I love her, she loves me, but in completely different ways.

I can take the anger, I can’t take the contradiction.  To have loved me more than life itself cannot mean except for the last ten years.  I can’t even put any thing into words right now.  My disappointment in her, me for letting ALL my wisdom and zen FLY out the window and take the bait and get crazy angry,  my sadness at all of it is too raw.  I can’t hide from it.  I can’t, I won’t return to my old escapes.  I have nothing to dull the pain.

I am trying to see what I can do to make myself better.  That’s all I can do.  I know there are so many lessons in it for me.  At this moment clarity is such a new bitter pill to swallow.  New ways to think, to change my thinking… a new kind of pain.

I just need to rest my heart and sit in stunned silence at what it truly means to trust in what is so easy to trust in when I’m at peace.

I’m empty of poetry

I’m empty of joy

just for today at least, maybe tomorrow

I hope not, I truly hope not

I’m just tired, so tired

I need to rest

~

©justagirllost2

I Don’t Have All the Words

I don’t hold

all the words,

but I wish I did

~

I feel them screaming

beneath my skin

~

Rememberings of me

before

I learned how

to

shut up

shut out

shut down

and

forget I existed

~

That is the past

and

as God is my witness

it will hurt me never again

~

©justagirllost2 

~

*top image: Sergei Sviatchenko

*bottom image: Allison Rathan

What is there left?

~

When the words hurt

too much to write

~

Where do I go?

What do I do?

How do I hide?

~

When the chaos

lingers & drips,

bleeding inside,

I slowly die

without writing it

~

My soul un-crying itself

to death

~

So, tell me,

what is there left?

~

 

©justagirllost2

Hummingbird Heart

A hummingbird heart beats

‘Courage heart, courage!’

~

An open hand reaches out

‘Steady hand, steady’

 ~

A smile of love & acceptance waiting for his

‘Believe love, believe!’

 ~

Stricken eyes fill

with tears

of deepest sadness

as he turns

& slams the door

with no expression

or hint of madness

~

A once beating heart

now ripped apart

broken into

dead bits & pieces

~

A lost girl sits on the floor

rocking & staring & rocking & staring

as life slowly deceases

~

One last whisper escapes her

‘No more, no more,

please…

please, no more’

~

 ©justagirllost2~ Monique M.

*image taken from Pinterest

#repost

It Doesn’t Matter Anymore

 

It doesn’t matter anymore

where the tears end or begin

because no matter how

perfect I try to be

love will never fly to me

~

It doesn’t matter anymore

if you might be him

I cannot bear the silence

pain and wondering

~

It doesn’t matter anymore

if hope once lived

I’m never accepted

despite my sins

~

It doesn’t matter anymore

because

these walls I will rebuild again

it’s safer to be locked in an ivory tower

alone within my hell again

~

 

©justagirllost2  ~Monique

I Need You

~

I am bone weary

worn from life

 

I need to be wrapped up

in your arms, held tight

 

I need to have you wipe away my tears

as if sacred oil I anoint you with

 

I need you to just tell me, “I’m here.”

~

 

©justagirllost2 ~ Monique

The King of Lies

 

My Love obscene
Condemned to die
by a court of One
a King of Lies

Thief of my thoughts
this Judas Priest
Blackmailer punk
My soul sold cheap
carried his cross
Led on his leash

A genius of insanity
With gifts of dirt
& blasphemies
he buried me
he clipped my wings
Rabid for
a special treat

In recompense for my sin
I lay upon
stripped to skin

His Holy Grail
my bed of nails
His every pain
I bled for him
and

Oh, how he loved
to watch me die

~

©justagirllost2 ~ Monique

* image by Lithuanian photographer Algis Griškevičius.