If Happiness is simply a chemical released in the brain
I want to figure out how to release that elusive little bit of bliss
To have the certainty of being able to pull that magical daisy chain
of only always sunshine, again & again & again.
No more to be deluged by storms of life
that every season drown my sorry heart
in tears of endless rain
So,
I always often pray, “FIX ME! Now Now Now, please!”
I beg to be miraculously healed of all my weaknesses and flaws.
I beg to become completely whole, healthy, productive and serene.
“I NEED to be the me I am meant to be and somehow make up for ALL my selfish,
thoughtless, destructive, behaviors of the past.
Make me who I’m meant to be, please please please.”
I plead over and over.
A noble mantra (to my narcissistic mind)
prayed with the utmost contrition, angst and sincerity.
“I KNOW that You just have to answer, don’t You??
I mean,You’ve healed so many people
way worse off and way more screwed up than me, and I BELIEVE!
See, God, I believe! So, c’mon, I’m ready now, I’m so ready now to be healed.”
I plead and plead, waiting to be freed, waiting to be transformed miraculously.
It’s not working! I’m still the messed up, old me.
I bet I’m being ignored because I’m not determined enough!
I just need to beg and whine with more sincerity.
NOTHING … NOTHING, but the buzzing voices of my own vanity.
“I must be unfixable. I must be too weak.
What was I thinking?
I’m beyond healing.
Even He can’t fix me.”
I Sink
deeper and deeper into myself & my selfishness
“MY way must be the ONLY way out of this daily abyss of discontent.
This life is all there is & so I’ll make the best of it
until I can figure out how to fix myself.”
It’s so much easier to believe in the god of Me.
I may be doomed to mediocrity, but at least I’m ‘home’
within the familiar confines of my darkened,
broken mind.
I will always be my own place to hide. (that’s called Pride)
I’ll make sure I always have a retreat
where I can pretend be leading a ‘normal’, fulfilling happy life.
Keeping my dirty little secrets hidden inside.
Retreating into a fantasy world to forget the real world around me.
“I am a martyr, don’t they see? Nobody understands me! I have NEEDS!
I DESERVE to be free to be worshiped by others in my kingdom of ME.”
A place where selfishness, fear, apathy,
resentment, blame, anger, negativity & endless self-pity
are justified.
Where ‘escape’ isn’t being weak, it’s being ‘happy’.
Where I’m in control because only I know what’s best for me.
Life should be PLEASING me.
Pleasure and Control, insidious beasts eating me up alive.
My passions & desires own me.
A me I create in the image of what I want others to see.
Emotions & feelings drive my insatiable need to be happy.
A blank page desperate for a saviour’s ink.
I’m not real unless they SEE me.
My stubborn pride, my petulant need,
my childish mind keeps me blind to all other’s reality.
“FEED ME FEED ME FEED ME because you NEED me!”
I’m dying inside. I’ve become a parasite of heart, soul & mind.
~
And then, through the miracle of Grace,
little by little, day by day, I begin to FEEL so DEEPLY
the pain, sadness & need for love of those around me.
Their feelings begin to matter more than my own
I am filled with longing for something
I cannot define or explain.
A warmth flows thru me.
My cold heart is melting to Love
completely.
I’m healing.
Life won’t let me declare myself neutral
in this war anymore.
I have to decide whether to fly or fight.
I no longer find surcease in my usual distractions
I’m not able to ‘delete’ & bury my conscience & justify
my infantile dissolute vanities.
I used to be able to run away with impunity
seeking out those like me.
Things are different now.
I who always arrogantly thought myself
so brave & so much stronger than others.
I see I am only a paper tiger.
A coward afraid to
face the truth. I am words, not actions.
A fool.
Something inside of me cries out.
I’m ready to be free.
I’m ready to let the emptiness
& dark silence wash over and consume me.
I am defiant. I am tired.
I have decided with every fiber of my being that
Fear will no longer rule me.
I choose to be truly happy, joyful & free.
I walk through the valley of humble defeat.
I’m a prisoner of true Love.
I throw myself into His arms in complete, terrified,
childlike, loving trust.
I’m finally ready to let Him Be
& work through me.
I know I have no strength.
I’ve failed miserably.
I know I have to let go of the past.
I have to hold on to now and all that will be.
I’m going in blind, hands tied, Letting Him lead.
I’m dying to Me. It’s not easy. Not at first.
I still grieve the old me.
I have to drag myself across that bridge of doubt & lack of faith.
Without humility & complete honesty, I can’t bear to cross it.
It isn’t exactly how I’d pictured it to be, once I’d waved the
white flag, I’d expected Him to carry me!
So tempting to slide back down that hill into my old ways.
I wanna run & hide again, but I don’t.
I stay and I run, I run, towards & unknown Fate.
I run over that bridge. From night to day.
From comatose to wide awake. No longer lost.
I’ve finally found my way.
And somehow I’ve changed.
I am ready to live the truth I’ve always believed,
yet was too afraid to seek.
That ‘suffering’ of this life will bring understanding,
growth & healing and will lead to a happiness
far beyond what my human nature can ever dare to imagine.
That ‘fixing’ means changing & becoming unbroken
into a divine, unique creation of me as part of the human family.
For, how can we know true peace if we only think of
our own wants and needs?
So, now I pray for wisdom & patience
for hope & fortitude
I pray for humility and gratitude
I pray to let go of all fear and control
I pray for the strength to leap into the abyss
of complete and utter trust, always.
To never falter again. To step out over the precipice
of my fallen, miserable comfort zone
into the arms of an unimaginable
mystical, unthinkable, beautiful
and all possible unknown.
It’s a never ending journey of self-discovery
Self-inflicted tortures of silence & reflection
Looking in mirrors of past pains soul deep
Breaking off dirty, bloody pieces until, suddenly,
like a dandelion in the wind, my soul flies beyond me
no longer imprisoned ready to rise higher.
Uncaged, unfettered, uncovered & free
to allow in a deeper, more perfect level of
all that is truly good & beautiful.
To Love unconditionally my children & my family
To see the divinity in others
To see the exquisite perfection & magic in mundane things
And no matter what trials, disappointments & pain
this life brings, I’ll be able to dance in the rain
I’ve forever changed.
I’ll still mess up again
and slip back and lose my peace, but
I will always know & believe
that Happiness lives
in my Loving the world
outside & inside of me.
~
©justagirllost2
*photo mine. St. Peter’s Catholic Church Cemetery in Carencro, Louisiana
