If Happiness is simply
a chemical released
in the brain
I want to figure out
how to blast out
that atomic bit
of bliss.
I want to braid
promised pulls
of happiness
in daisy chains
of magic mist.
I want to bury deep
the winters
of betrayals and unloves.
I want to dam
the daily deluge,
the torrent of thoughts
the Shame, Hate and Rage
that floods my sorry heart.
A cacaophy of my own
and demonic taunts.
See,
I often, often pray“FIX ME! Now! Now! Now, please!”
I beg for miraculous healing of
every epic failing.
I beg to be whole, healthy, productive, serene.
“I NEED to be the ME I’m meant to be
I MUST make up for ALL my selfish,thoughtless, destructive indecencies.
Make me who I’m meant to be, please! please! please!
I plead over and over.
A noble mantra(to my narcissistic need)
prayed with utmost contrition, angst and sincerity.
“I KNOW that You have to answer, don’t You?
I mean,You’ve healed so many people
way worse off and way more screwed up than me,
and I BELIEVE!
See, God, I believe!
So, c’mon, I’m ready now,
I’m so ready now to be healed.”
I plead,
waiting to be freed,
waiting for a miracle, dammit!
It’s not working! I’m still the messed up, old me.
I bet I’m being ignored because I’m not determined enough. I need to beg and whine with more sincerity.
NOTHING … NOTHING, but the buzzing voices of my own vanity.
“I must be unfixable.
I must be too weak.
What was I thinking?
I’m way beyond healing.
Even He can’t fix me.”
I Sink
deeper and deeper into myself & my selfishness
“MY way must be the ONLY way out of this daily abyss of discontent.
This life is all there is & so I’ll make the best of it
until I can figure out how to fix myself.”
It’s so much easier to believe in the god of Me.
I may be doomed to mediocrity, but at least I’m ‘home’ within the familiar confines of my darkened,broken mind. I will always be my own place to hide. (my own Pride)
I’ll make sure I always have a retreatw here I can pretend I’m leading a ‘normal’, fulfilling happy life.
Keep my dirty little secrets hidden inside.
Retreat into a fantasy world to forget the real world around me.
“I am a martyr, don’t they see? Nobody understands me! I have NEEDS! I DESERVE to be free to be worshiped by others in my kingdom of ME.”
A place where selfishness, fear, apathy,resentment, blame, anger, negativity and eendless self-pity run free.
Where I’m in control because only I know what’s best for me.
Life should be PLEASING me.
Pleasure and Control, insidious beasts eating me up alive.
My passions & desires own me.
A me I create in the image of what I want others to see.
Emotions & feelings drive my insatiable need to be happy.
A blank page desperate for a saviour’s ink.
I’m not real unless they SEE me.
My stubborn pride, my petulant need,
my childish mind keeps me blind to other’s reality.
“FEED ME FEED ME FEED ME because you NEED me!”
I’m dying inside. I’ve become a parasite of heart, soul & mind.
~
And then, through the miracle of Grace,
little by little, day by day,
I begin to FEEL so DEEPLY the pain, sadness & need for love of those around me.Their feelings begin to matter more than my own
I am filled with longing for something I cannot define or explain. A warmth flows thru me.
My cold heart is melting to Love
completely.
I’m healing.
Life won’t let me declare myself neutral
in this war anymore.
I have to decide whether to fly or fight.
I no longer find surcease in my usual distractions
I’m not able to ‘delete’ & bury my conscience & justify
my infantile dissolute vanities.
I used to be able to run away with impunity
seeking out those like me.
Things are different now.
I, who always arrogantly thought myself
so brave & so much stronger than others.
I see only a paper tiger.
A coward afraid to face the truth. I am words, not actions. A fool.
Something inside of me cries out. I’m ready to be free. I’m ready to let the emptiness and dark silence wash over and consume me.
I am defiant. I am tired. I have decided with every fiber of my being that
Fear will no longer rule me.
I choose to be happy, joyful & free.
I walk through the valley of humble defeat.
I’m a prisoner of true Love.
I throw myself into His arms in complete, terrified,
childlike, loving trust.
I’m finally ready to let Him Be
and work through me.
I know I have no strength.
I’ve failed miserably.
I know I have to let go of the past.
I have to hold on to now and all that will be.
I’m going in blind, hands tied, Letting Him lead.
I’m dying to Me. It’s not easy. Not at first.
I still grieve the old me.
I have to drag myself across that bridge of doubt & lack of faith.
Without humility & complete honesty, I can’t bear to cross it.
It isn’t exactly how I’d pictured it to be, once I’d waved the
white flag, I’d expected Him to carry me!
So tempting to slide back down that hill into my old ways.
I wanna run & hide again, but I don’t.
I stay and I run, I run, towards & unknown Fate.
I run over that bridge. From night to day.
From comatose to wide awake. No longer lost.
I’ve finally found my way.
And somehow I’ve changed.
I am ready to live the truth I’ve always believed,
yet was too afraid to seek.
That ‘suffering’ of this life will bring understanding,
growth & healing and will lead to a happiness
far beyond what my human nature can ever dare to imagine.
That ‘fixing’ means changing & becoming unbroken
into a divine, unique creation of me as part of the human family.
For, how can we know true peace if we only think of
our own wants and needs?
So, now I pray for wisdom & patience
for hope & fortitude
I pray for humility and gratitude
I pray to let go of all fear and control
I pray for the strength to leap into the abyss
of complete and utter trust, always.
To never falter again. To step out over the precipice
of my fallen, miserable comfort zone
into the arms of an unimaginable
mystical, unthinkable, beautiful
and all possible unknown.
It’s a never ending journey of self-discovery
Self-inflicted tortures of silence & reflection
Looking in mirrors of past pains soul deep
Breaking off dirty, bloody pieces until, suddenly,
like a dandelion in the wind, my soul flies beyond me
no longer imprisoned ready to rise higher.
Uncaged, unfettered, uncovered & free
to allow in a deeper, more perfect level of
all that is truly good & beautiful.
To Love unconditionally my children & my family
To see the divinity in others
To see the exquisite perfection & magic in mundane things
And no matter what trials, disappointments & pain
this life brings, I’ll be able to dance in the rain
I’ve forever changed.
I’ll still mess up again
and slip back and lose my peace, but
I will always know & believe
that Happiness lives
in my Loving the world
outside & inside of me.
~
©justagirllost2
*photo mine. St. Peter’s Catholic Church Cemetery in Carencro, Louisiana
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