Happiness

If Happiness is simply

a chemical released

in the brain

I want to figure out

how to blast out

that atomic bit

of bliss.

I want to braid

promised pulls

of happiness

in daisy chains

of magic mist.

I want to bury deep 

the winters

of betrayals and unloves.

I want to dam

the daily deluge,

the torrent of thoughts

the Shame, Hate and Rage

that floods my sorry heart.

A cacaophy of my own

and demonic taunts.

See,

I often, often pray“FIX ME! Now! Now! Now, please!”

I beg for miraculous healing of

every epic failing.

I beg to be whole, healthy, productive, serene.

“I NEED to be the ME I’m meant to be

I MUST make up for ALL my selfish,thoughtless, destructive indecencies.

Make me who I’m meant to be, please! please! please!

I plead over and over.

A noble mantra(to my narcissistic need)

prayed with utmost contrition, angst and sincerity.

“I KNOW that You have to answer, don’t You?

I mean,You’ve healed so many people

way worse off and way more screwed up than me,

and I BELIEVE!

See, God, I believe!

So, c’mon, I’m ready now,

I’m so ready now to be healed.”

I plead,

waiting to be freed,

waiting for a miracle, dammit!

It’s not working! I’m still the messed up, old me.

I bet I’m being ignored because I’m not determined enough. I need to beg and whine with more sincerity.

NOTHING … NOTHING, but the buzzing voices of my own vanity.

“I must be unfixable.

I must be too weak.

What was I thinking?

I’m way beyond healing.

Even He can’t fix me.”

I Sink

deeper and deeper into myself & my selfishness

“MY way must be the ONLY way out of this daily abyss of discontent.

This life is all there is & so I’ll make the best of it

until I can figure out how to fix myself.”

It’s so much easier to believe in the god of Me.

I may be doomed to mediocrity, but at least I’m ‘home’ within the familiar confines of my darkened,broken mind. I will always be my own place to hide. (my own Pride)

I’ll make sure I always have a retreatw here I can pretend I’m leading a ‘normal’, fulfilling happy life.

Keep my dirty little secrets hidden inside.

Retreat into a fantasy world to forget the real world around me.

“I am a martyr, don’t they see? Nobody understands me! I have NEEDS! I DESERVE to be free to be worshiped by others in my kingdom of ME.”

A place where selfishness, fear, apathy,resentment, blame, anger, negativity and eendless self-pity run free.

Where I’m in control because only I know what’s best for me.

Life should be PLEASING me.

Pleasure and Control, insidious beasts eating me up alive.

My passions & desires own me.

A me I create in the image of what I want others to see.

Emotions & feelings drive my insatiable need to be happy.

A blank page desperate for a saviour’s ink.

I’m not real unless they SEE me.

My stubborn pride, my petulant need,

my childish mind keeps me blind to other’s reality.

“FEED ME FEED ME FEED ME because you NEED me!”

I’m dying inside. I’ve become a parasite of heart, soul & mind.

~

And then, through the miracle of Grace,

little by little, day by day,

I begin to FEEL so DEEPLY the pain, sadness & need for love of those around me.Their feelings begin to matter more than my own

I am filled with longing for something I cannot define or explain. A warmth flows thru me.

My cold heart is melting to Love

completely.

I’m healing.

Life won’t let me declare myself neutral

in this war anymore.

I have to decide whether to fly or fight.

I no longer find surcease in my usual distractions

I’m not able to ‘delete’ & bury my conscience & justify

my infantile dissolute vanities.

I used to be able to run away with impunity

seeking out those like me.

Things are different now.

I, who always arrogantly thought myself

so brave & so much stronger than others.

I see only a paper tiger.

A coward afraid to face the truth. I am words, not actions. A fool.

Something inside of me cries out. I’m ready to be free. I’m ready to let the emptiness and dark silence wash over and consume me.

I am defiant. I am tired. I have decided with every fiber of my being that

Fear will no longer rule me.

I choose to be happy, joyful & free.

I walk through the valley of humble defeat.

I’m a prisoner of true Love.

I throw myself into His arms in complete, terrified,

childlike, loving trust.

I’m finally ready to let Him Be

and work through me.

I know I have no strength.

I’ve failed miserably.

I know I have to let go of the past.

I have to hold on to now and all that will be.

I’m going in blind, hands tied, Letting Him lead.

I’m dying to Me. It’s not easy. Not at first.

I still grieve the old me.

I have to drag myself across that bridge of doubt & lack of faith.

Without humility & complete honesty, I can’t bear to cross it.

It isn’t exactly how I’d pictured it to be, once I’d waved the

white flag, I’d expected Him to carry me!

So tempting to slide back down that hill into my old ways.

I wanna run & hide again, but I don’t.

I stay and I run, I run, towards & unknown Fate.

I run over that bridge. From night to day.

From comatose to wide awake. No longer lost.

I’ve finally found my way.

And somehow I’ve changed.

I am ready to live the truth I’ve always believed,

yet was too afraid to seek.

That ‘suffering’ of this life will bring understanding,

growth & healing and will lead to a happiness

far beyond what my human nature can ever dare to imagine.

That ‘fixing’ means changing & becoming unbroken

into a divine, unique creation of me as part of the human family.

For, how can we know true peace if we only think of

our own wants and needs?

So, now I pray for wisdom & patience

for hope & fortitude

I pray for humility and gratitude

I pray to let go of all fear and control

I pray for the strength to leap into the abyss

of complete and utter trust, always.

To never falter again. To step out over the precipice

of my fallen, miserable comfort zone

into the arms of an unimaginable

mystical, unthinkable, beautiful

and all possible unknown.

It’s a never ending journey of self-discovery

Self-inflicted tortures of silence & reflection

Looking in mirrors of past pains soul deep

Breaking off dirty, bloody pieces until, suddenly,

like a dandelion in the wind, my soul flies beyond me

no longer imprisoned ready to rise higher.

Uncaged, unfettered, uncovered & free

to allow in a deeper, more perfect level of

all that is truly good & beautiful.

To Love unconditionally my children & my family

To see the divinity in others

To see the exquisite perfection & magic in mundane things

And no matter what trials, disappointments & pain

this life brings, I’ll be able to dance in the rain

I’ve forever changed.

I’ll still mess up again

and slip back and lose my peace, but

I will always know & believe

that Happiness lives

in my Loving the world

outside & inside of me.

~

©justagirllost2

*photo mine. St. Peter’s Catholic Church Cemetery in Carencro, Louisiana

He Needs to be Mine

 

HE is

confident  cool  mysterious

infinite fascinations

 

HE is

dangerous  charming

So, so bad and deliciously

wicked

Unattainable it seems,

but he is  private, thoughtful

doesn’t take lightly

the one he chooses to adore

 

HE is

so beautiful

so rare, so loved

a masterpiece

a fallen angel

heart’s every desire

come to life

a man like no other

 

HE is

every music

every season

every touch

every reason

 

HE is 

subterranean depths

Love’s forbidden fruit

 

He is

holiness ~ purity

corruptions ~ seductions

darkness ~ decadence

sweetness  freedom  joy

passion  desire  pleasure

addictive delicious pain

 

HE is

meant to be

adored and treasured

He needs someone

who holds his magic

sacred

 

HE 

deserves a girl

that will truly see him

who will join him

in mutual

giving and receiving

of deepest desires and dreams

 

HE

needs to be held safe

within the arms

and

heart of the One

who brings joy

to his world

 

HE

needs a Love

he can trust completely

mind ~ body ~ soul

 

HE

needs to be mine

 

 

~

©justagirllost2 

Speak Scream

Speak scream

your intentions

See,
I’m one of those obtuse fools
who need to be spoken to

in plain English

I can’t even read

my own damn mind

 

Come to me

where there are

no lying prying eyes

Come to me

away from they

who salivate

to misconstrue

Come to me

in our own

summer solstice

of blue

~

©justagirllost2

 

I Dance Again

~

His desire

has dusted away

derelictions of words

hidden in my heart

~

He has rebuilt

the dilapidated ruins

of my song

~

I dance again,

with him I roam

I dance again,

with him

I’m home
~

 

 

©justagirllost2 

*image from Pinterest

 

Destiny

~

The day they met

She already saw

His words & hers

had

danced before

Fulfilling poetic

prophecy

Two souls in tomes

of destiny

She knew his hands

and heart

In her unsorrows

of all tomorrows

Her flaws fit his

In sweet

imperfection

Love adored into art

by his direction

~

©justagirllost2 

*image from Pinterest