Just a Girl Lost 2

Just a girl lost~ Here I share bits & pieces of me, in poetry, prose, music & posts from writers who inspire me.


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The Blue Dream

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I promised I would write my dreams,

since I’m not inspired right now to write anything

about Love or Life or Living.

I have been dreaming lately and that is a rarity.

I mean that i am ‘remembering’ my dreams.

I know that we all dream, blah, blah, blah.

I just lately have had some memorable dreams

as in BRIGH COLORS

and STRANGE SITUATIONS.

In this dream, I’ll call it ‘The Blue Dream’, I am in a HUGE, MASSIVE, meandering house.

This huge house is apparently being ‘given’ to me and my children.

(my children’s ages vary and morph as the dream progresses)

In the process of moving in, the former tenants have left a LOT OF STUFF, weird stuff and the former tenants (picture The Brady Bunch times 10) the Brady Bunch are ‘helping’ me clean-up.

As they help me clean up they are also finding things they had forgotten and are happily taking them home.

This house is HUGE and one room has a red puppet theater and a white baby bed and lots of baby toys just lying around.

It’s night and the room is bluish in hue with lights dancing off the walls.

There are people pulling wallpaper off, sawing, hammering, nailing, taking paneling off, putting things in bags.

We move on into the kitchen.  The kitchen is a jumble of carpentry, hardware, sawdust, no table or anything, just a weird metallic, greenish, harsh, undone, uninviting mess.

There’s white stuff everywhere.

Like, that white stuff on walls and ceilings, crumbly and powdery white.

There’s drawers lying on the floor filled with CRAP.

You know, that junk drawer you just throw little pieces of crap into.  There are drawers scattered and tossed and filled with utensils and forks, knives, spoons, corn-cob holders, different colored rubber bands, tacks, tacks, tacks, little nails and all the little things you need to stick things to the wall.  BORING.

I march/slither/slide upstairs, downstairs, all around, seeing rooms with bunk beds, seeing into bathrooms with clothes hanging everywhere and toothbrushes, toothpaste, pictures, children’s paintings, all sorts of things just everywhere.  Stuff left behind, not worthy of keeping, but the Brady’s were realizing that there was some pretty cool stuff they’d left behind and so as I’m seeing into these rooms, I’m seeing the Brady’s picking up, sorting thru, laughing about, holding onto all this stuff they had forgotten about.  They’re finding treasure as I’m tearing down to move in and it’s a chaotic mess.  NOISE and MESS and NOISE and ripping and tearing and running thru the house.

I turn and step into an elevator.  It’s a brown elevator.  Wood with scratches in it.  I step in hesitantly, I know I’m going down, I know I have to get in, but also I decide in this dream that I am NOT going to be stuck in this elevator.  (I am SO CLAUSTROPHOBIC. As a child I wasn’t in the least, but as an adult, I am)

Suddenly, I come to a STOP.  I’m at a dead end.  No where to go forward. I step out of the elevator and am a bit relived because my lucid dreaming worked!

A cul-de-sac in the hallway.  I’m standing in a hallway.  I look to my right and I see sitting on a wooden crate a blond girl, about 5 or 6, wearing yellow shorts and top.  She has pigtails and is just sitting quietly, solemnly on the crate in the cul-de-sac staring at me. Not moving, just staring at me.

I need the bathroom.

I turn suddenly and look straight ahead.  I’m looking in a mirror.  I’m in a bathroom.

I’m standing in a narrow, white enamel on the wall, white sink, light bulb hanging down with a pull string, bathroom.

I look in the mirror and I’m COMPLETELY BLUE.  I’m covered in blue.  Painted blue.  A cobalt blue.  My hair is a mess, all frizzy and sticking out and BLUE.  My skin is blue.  My gown is blue.  My feet are blue!  I look at the girl and feel confusion, I know I have to keep going.  I look down the hallway.

I hear people laughing and I know there is a party going on.

I turn and find some stairs.

I go down these dingy, dark stairs.  The whole house is falling apart/being redone.  It’s got a 70’s vibe. The party room.  Paneling, blue and green furniture, not too well lit.  It’s dim, like a dying sun yellow.

It’s a party and everyone is happy and laughing and talking, but the colors and smell and feeling all say dank, dark, slime, oppressive.

I step into the room and see everyone dressed in groovy polyester pantsuits and dresses, chunky shoes and puffy hair.  I see our neighbor from across the street.  Miss Bea.

She and her husband, Mr. Andy, were my second parents.  They had 4 kids, the youngest girl was a year younger than me and my best friend, my sister almost.  We spent everyday together. Our mom’s would drink coffee and talk and we would play.  We practically lived together. 

Miss Bea.

She looks beautiful.

She’s smiling and laughing, wearing a lovely dress and she’s young.

I’m surprised to see her there because she’s dead.

She tells me that she’s with her daughter.

Her first pregnancy was a miscarriage, they named her Susan, and I’d always felt a sadness from her when she thought about Susan.  I loved Miss Bea.  She was very quiet, tiny.  Didn’t drive a car.  Her husband drove her everywhere. 

Miss Bea, my sweet, mysterious, very kind, never raised her voice, LOVED romance novels, smoked like a chimney, my mom’s best friend, my second mom was telling me she was happy and with her daughter. 

I was uncomfortable the whole time, of course, I’m in disarray.  My hair is a mess and I’m covered in blue! I turned to look around …

I woke up.

That’s it.

That’s my Blue Dream.

 

*image, Death and the Mirror, James Christensen

@justagirllost2

 

 

 

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Happy November 🍂 🍁 🌾

My oldest daughter and her boyfriend brought over 4 pumpkins on Halloween night. As always, they were running a bit late, so we decided to carve them up the next evening.  Everyone went trick or treating while I sat outside giving out halloween candy while the mosquitoes munched on me.

The next night they came over again and we searched the internet for stencils, printed them out and got to work.  Cleaning out the insides was really messy.  We saved all the seeds to bake later.  Pumpkin seeds are supposed to be really good for you.

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We used a pumpkin carving knife set to start and added a few weird instruments from the kitchen, like an ice pick and a nut thing-a-ma-diddy that helped.  It’s HARD to carve those gourds!

But, I believe we did some excellent pumpkin carvings and I wanted to share them.

🙂

lulupumpkin

 

*Lulu before the pumpkins were carved.  She loved them for some reason and was rolling around them, marking her territory of kitty love.

~

workingonpumpkins

*Working on the pumpkins.  

~

nickpumpkins

*Carved pumpkins!!!  From left to right:  an Alien (mine) a Bunny (Abby & Jacob’s) a Jack-O-Lantern Face (Chloe’s) and the last one is supposed to be Rick Grimes from The Walking Dead (Nick’s)

Happy November y’all!  🍂 🍁 🌾 

 

~©justagirllost2

*Top photo found on Pinterest, other photos mine


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Black holes and my heart are old friends

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Funny how every time I’m feeling at peace, my mother can skin me alive and rip out my heart in a matter of moments.

Seems it’s the times I’m finally getting things together in my own heart, mind, soul and I’m doing the best I know knowing it’s ok and that God’s in control.

It’s like there is something inside of her that has this mission to annihilate me.

It’s a fact of life, no more no less.  It is what it is.  I love her, she loves me, but in completely different ways.

I can take the anger, I can’t take the contradiction.  To have loved me more than life itself cannot mean except for the last ten years.  I can’t even put any thing into words right now.  My disappointment in her, me for letting ALL my wisdom and zen FLY out the window and take the bait and get crazy angry,  my sadness at all of it is too raw.  I can’t hide from it.  I can’t, I won’t return to my old escapes.  I have nothing to dull the pain.

I am trying to see what I can do to make myself better.  That’s all I can do.  I know there are so many lessons in it for me.  At this moment clarity is such a new bitter pill to swallow.  New ways to think, to change my thinking… a new kind of pain.

I just need to rest my heart and sit in stunned silence at what it truly means to trust in what is so easy to trust in when I’m at peace.

I’m empty of poetry

I’m empty of joy

just for today at least, maybe tomorrow

I hope not, I truly hope not

I’m just tired, so tired

I need to rest

~

©justagirllost2


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My Mother’s Day eve

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~

Last night my dad boiled tons of crawfish. ❤

My mom and I’s Mother’s Day gift.  (His too)  🙂  They were HUGE! Like mini lobsters

My ex-husband helped and provided the drinks.  He’s a great guy.

My oldest daughter, Abby and her boyfriend, Jacob were here as well as my son, Nick and my youngest daughter Chloe.

My mom, of course and my dad.

Oh, and the dog waiting under the table for anything that happened to fall.

My son made dessert, he’s the baker of the family.

We ate outside on the patio.  It was a gorgeous afternoon. Perfect company, perfect weather and a perfect Mother’s Day eve.

Today I get to cook lunch and the kids are sleeping late.

I am truly blessed and I hope and pray that everyone of you has a fabulous day and evening

You are all special and unique in the beauty that makes you YOU!

❤ ❤ ❤

~

©justagirllost2 ~ Monique

*photo mine


9 Comments

Almost Un Whole

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Recriminations

Revelations

Reverberations

Earthquakes

Eruptions,

of others

My mind~body~soul

Shaken,

almost un whole

Aftershocks,

like ticking clocks

Tick-tock

doors locked

Running for cover,

my heart

Soul-tired

I am drained dry

Almost un whole

~

 

 

*image from Pinterest