Just a Girl Lost 2

Just a girl lost~ Here I share bits & pieces of me, in poetry, prose, music & posts from writers who inspire me.


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Christmas Eve Hugs to you all

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I will write in a bit

I’m just enjoying this time with my family

We’re going to make ornaments now

My kids and I

I shall take photos of the finished products

Hugs! ūüíēūüéĄūüíē

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I’m New

 

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I’ve changed

the old me is in the rearview

I’ve changed

the new me drags no chains

my heart ~ my thoughts

my decisions rearranged

I’m¬†new

everyday,

from this day thru

I’m new

~

©justagirllost2

A new song I love and I hope you will love it as much as I do ~ xo

~


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My Silly little girl, Chloe and a Helium Balloon

I don’t often write about my children. ¬†I do post a bit about them on my Instagram page, because it is private. I also have a facebook page. ¬†I have neglected it, sadly.

I adore my children more than life itself and sometimes my love for them is so overwhelming that I cannot express it in words.  Strange, yet it is how I am.

My children are amazing, fascinating, beautiful, brilliant, talented, pure of heart, filled with love beyond imaging and a blessing to this universe.  I do not deserve them and I am completely and constantly joyful that they are part of my life.

I wish I had more audio of them.  I do have many videos that they have made. I try to keep them protected as much as possible and I greatly respect their right to privacy.

~

I love this, for obvious reasons. ¬†ūüôā¬†

©justagirllost2 

~


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Happiness

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If Happiness is simply a chemical released in the brain

I want to figure out how to release that elusive little bit of bliss

To have the certainty of being able to pull that magical daisy chain

of only always sunshine, again & again & again.

No more to be deluged by storms of life

that every season drown my sorry heart

in tears of endless rain

So,

I always often pray,¬†“FIX ME! Now Now Now, please!”

I beg to be miraculously healed of all my weaknesses and flaws.

I beg to become completely whole, healthy, productive and serene.

“I NEED to be the me I am meant to be¬†and somehow make up¬†for ALL my selfish,

thoughtless, destructive, behaviors of the past.

Make me who I’m meant¬†to be, please please please.”

I plead over and over.

A noble mantra (to my narcissistic mind)

prayed with the utmost contrition, angst and sincerity.

“I KNOW that You just have to answer, don’t You??

I mean,You’ve¬†healed so many people

way worse off and way more screwed up than me, and I BELIEVE!

See, God, I believe! ¬†So, c’mon,¬†I’m ready now, I’m so ready now to be healed.”

I plead and plead, waiting to be freed, waiting to be transformed miraculously.

It’s not working! ¬†I’m still the messed up, old me.

I bet I’m being ignored because I’m not determined¬†enough!

I just need to beg and whine with more sincerity.

NOTHING … NOTHING, but the buzzing voices of my own vanity.

“I must be¬†unfixable. ¬†I must be too weak. ¬†

What was I thinking?

I’m beyond healing. ¬†

Even He can’t fix me.”

I Sink

deeper and deeper into myself & my selfishness

“MY way must be the ONLY¬†way out of this daily¬†abyss of discontent.

This life is all there is & so I’ll¬†make the best of it

until I can figure out¬†how to fix myself.”

It’s so much easier¬†to believe in the god¬†of Me. ¬†

I may be doomed to mediocrity, but at least I’m¬†‘home’

within the familiar confines of my darkened,

broken mind.

I will always be my own¬†place to hide. (that’s called Pride)

I’ll make sure I always have a retreat

where I can pretend be leading a ‘normal’, fulfilling happy¬†life.

Keeping my dirty little secrets hidden inside.

Retreating into a fantasy world to forget the real world around me.

“I am a martyr, don’t they see? ¬†Nobody understands me! ¬†I have NEEDS!

I DESERVE to be free to be worshiped by others¬†in my kingdom of ME.”

A place where selfishness, fear, apathy,

resentment, blame, anger, negativity & endless self-pity

are justified.

Where ‘escape’¬†isn’t being weak, it’s being ‘happy’.

Where I’m in control because only I know what’s best for me.

Life should be PLEASING me.

Pleasure and  Control, insidious beasts eating me up alive.

My passions & desires own me.

A me I create in the image of what I want others to see.

Emotions & feelings drive my insatiable need to be happy.

A blank page desperate for a saviour’s ink.

I’m not real unless they SEE me.

My stubborn pride, my petulant need,

my childish mind keeps me blind to all other’s reality.

“FEED ME FEED ME FEED ME because you NEED me!”

I’m dying inside. I’ve become a parasite of heart, soul & mind.

~

And then, through the miracle of Grace,

little by little, day by day, I begin to FEEL so DEEPLY

the pain, sadness & need for love of those around me.

Their feelings begin to matter more than my own

I am filled with longing for something

I cannot define or explain.

A warmth flows thru me.

My cold heart is melting to Love

completely.  

I’m healing.

Life won’t let me declare myself neutral

in this war anymore.

I have to decide whether to fly or fight.

I no longer find surcease in my usual distractions

I’m not able to ‘delete’ &¬†bury my conscience & justify

my infantile dissolute vanities.

I used to be able to run away with impunity

seeking out those like me.

Things are different now.

I who always arrogantly thought myself

so brave & so much stronger than others.

I see I am only a paper tiger.

A coward afraid to

face the truth.  I am words, not actions.

A fool.

Something inside of me cries out.

I’m ready to be free.

I’m ready to let the emptiness

& dark silence wash over and consume me.

I am defiant. I am tired.

I have decided with every fiber of my being that

Fear will no longer rule me.

I choose to be truly happy, joyful & free.

I walk through the valley of humble defeat.

I’m a prisoner of true Love.

I throw myself into His arms in complete, terrified,

childlike, loving trust.

I’m finally ready to let Him Be

& work through me.

I know I have no strength.

I’ve¬†failed miserably.

I know I have to let go of the past.

I have to hold on to now and all that will be.

I’m going in blind, hands tied, Letting Him lead.

I’m dying to Me. ¬† It’s not easy. ¬† Not at first.

I still grieve the old me.

I have to drag myself across that bridge of doubt & lack of faith.

Without humility &¬†complete honesty, I can’t bear to cross it.

It isn’t exactly how I’d pictured it to be, once I’d waved the

white flag, ¬†I’d expected Him to carry me!

So tempting to slide back down that hill into my old ways.

I wanna run &¬†hide again, but I don’t.

I stay and I run, I run, towards & unknown Fate.

I run over that bridge.  From night to day.

From comatose to wide awake.   No longer lost.

I’ve finally found my way.

And somehow I’ve changed.

I am ready to live the truth¬†I’ve always believed,

yet was too afraid to seek.

That¬†‘suffering’¬†of this life will bring understanding,

growth & healing and will lead to a happiness

far beyond what my human nature can ever dare to imagine.

That ‘fixing’ means changing &¬†becoming¬†unbroken

into a divine, unique creation of me as part of the human family.

For, how can we know true peace if we only think of

our own wants and needs?

So, now I pray for wisdom & patience

for hope & fortitude

I pray for humility and gratitude

I pray to let go of all fear and control

I pray for the strength to leap into the abyss

of complete and utter trust, always.

To never falter again.  To step out over the precipice

of my fallen, miserable comfort zone

into the arms of an unimaginable

mystical, unthinkable, beautiful

and all possible unknown.

It’s a never ending journey¬†of self-discovery

Self-inflicted tortures of silence & reflection

Looking in mirrors of past pains soul deep

Breaking off dirty, bloody pieces until, suddenly,

like a dandelion in the wind, my soul flies beyond me

no longer imprisoned ready to rise higher.

Uncaged, unfettered, uncovered & free

to allow in a deeper, more perfect level of

all that is truly good & beautiful.

To Love unconditionally my children & my family

To see the divinity in others

To see the exquisite perfection & magic in mundane things

And no matter what trials, disappointments & pain

this life brings, I’ll be able to dance in the rain

I’ve forever changed.

I’ll still mess up again

and slip back and lose my peace, but

I will always know & believe

that Happiness lives

in my Loving the world

outside & inside of me.

~

 

©justagirllost2

*photo mine. ¬†St. Peter’s Catholic Church Cemetery in Carencro, Louisiana


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I See

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When the earth is veiled beneath magic

Heaven’s water droplets of fog

A mist brings blindness to the corruption of man

That’s when my heart flees from my mind

My body sighs as it follows my whims

My racing legs meet wet grass amidst tombstones

I cannot be without the within

of this place of fairy tales and greys

this place where time stands still

where spirits play

where every intrusion disappears

and all that’s left is purity of nothingness

Purity of silence that used to be

before civilizations cacophony

blazed trails of destruction

I feel the dew drip upon me

surrounding me in pieces of soul

of ghosts disembodied yet whole

and for once, for one brief moment,

I am at peace

I see only nature without beams & wires

without man made contrivances

I see only Beauty of lives in an eternal earth

beneath a sun that forever lives

I see me, you, us, all in a dream that is the true reality

~

©justagirllost2 

*photo mine

 


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Quotes about Poetry

In poetry and in eloquence the beautiful and grand must spring from the commonplace…. All that remains for us is to be new while repeating the old, and to be ourselves in becoming the echo of the whole world.

~Alexandre Vinet (1797‚Äď1847)

 

Poetry,‚ÄĒthe language of the Imagination and the Passions,‚ÄĒthe oldest and most beauteous offspring of Literature.

~Frederick Hinde, Poetry, a lecture delivered in London on the evening of April 8, 1858

 

The courage of the poet is to keep ajar the door that leads to madness.

~Christopher Morley, Inward Ho!

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It is vain for the sober man to knock at poesy’s door.

~Plato

 

No poems can please for long or live that are written by water-drinkers.

~Horace, Satires

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The true poet is all the time a visionary and whether with friends or not, as much alone as a man on his death bed.

~W.B. Yeats

A poet is an unhappy being whose heart is torn by secret sufferings, but whose lips are so strangely formed that when the sighs and the cries escape them, they sound like beautiful music… and then people crowd about the poet and say to him: “Sing for us soon again;” that is as much as to say, “May new sufferings torment your soul.”

~ S√łren Kierkegaard

 

Poetry is the revelation of a feeling that the poet believes to be interior and personal which the reader recognizes as his own.

~Salvatore Quasimodo

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To have great poets there must be great audiences too.

~Walt Whitman

 

The sublimity of poetry, you see, lies in the fact that it does not take an educated person to understand it and to love it. On the contrary. The educated do not understand it, and generally they despise it, because they have too much pride. To love poetry it is enough to have a soul,‚ÄĒa little soul, naked, like a flower. Poets speak to the souls of the simple, of the sad, of the sick. And that is why they are eternal. Do you know that, when one has sensibility, one is always something of a poet?

~Octave Mirbeau, A Chambermaid’s Diary / Le Journal d’une Femme de Chambre, 1900, translated from the French by Benjamin R. Tucker

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No man was ever yet a great poet, without being at the same time a profound philosopher. For poetry is the blossom and the fragrancy of all human knowledge, human thoughts, human passions, emotions, language.

~S.T. Coleridge (1772‚Äď1834), Biographia Literaria, 1817

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