I’d fight with fire just to get close to you…
those dark, delirious
My wants relentless
of desire ~ love ~ lust
they pulse pizzicato,
flowing thru me,
Vibrating my being
sighing touching tasting streaming
My thoughts never stop
searching for yours
My lips never stop
throbbing for a taste,
a lingering lick
of your skin
My body never stops
burning to feel your lips
And though life is often insane
in its chaos
it never drives me to distraction
Only you commit that crime
Though I get lost, overwhelmed
and cannot find the strength to fight
Knowing you breathe and exist
Knowing you live in my world
Knowing who you are is my forever breath of life
You are my muse
*top image by serge marshennikov
* bottom photo mine
… and my feelings never wane 🍃
My Love obscene
Condemned to die
by a court of One
a King of Lies
Thief of my thoughts
this Judas Priest
My soul sold cheap
carried his cross
Led on his leash
A genius of insanity
With gifts of dirt
he buried me
he clipped my wings
a special treat
In recompense for my sin
I lay upon
stripped to skin
His Holy Grail
my bed of nails
His every pain
I bled for him
how he loved
to watch me die
- image by Lithuanian photographer Algis Griškevičius.
*in honor of #arielpoets I’m reposting this. The theme @arielpoets this month of January is Betrayal
I was perusing my drafts tonight, looking for some snarky poetry for a friend, and I came across this.
I know I wrote this. The strange thing is that I don’t remember writing it. I usually remember everything I write because I only write when my emotions are all emotional. I’m either up, up, up or low, low, low. I’m not an inbetween writer. I wrote the title, When a Lifetime of Reality isn’t Real, then what…
So, as I’m reading this, I’m thinking, “What was I going thru? dealing with?” It must have been something epic because like I said, I only write when compelled to do so, as in COMPELLED. hmmmmm… I’m seriously curious. I don’t believe in split personalities, yet it feels like someone else wrote this. curiouser and curiouser
Lately, I haven’t felt much like writing. I’ve been dreaming a lot though. A LOT.
Maybe I should just write my dreams when I’m uninspired. Huh, LIGHT BULB MOMENT!!! lol
I will be doing that. I’ll start writing my dreams on here. Starting tomorrow!
Until then, I’ll leave you with my mysterious missive from last March.
Peace and Love to you all, even the haters (as our Marvelous President Donald Trump likes to say) 😉
what am I supposed to feel?
Numb Stunned Shocked Disbelieving
Disillusioned Duped Distraught
Anger Rage in Dreams Betrayed Pain holds sway, a dirge to play, fast fading, Faith torn stripped tattered sways fast against Mind, Flesh & Bone. Pain, like a Hawk, Claws Sink Deep Beneath Bone & Flesh, Spellbound Screaming Mind Blown Feeling Bits & Pieces Flowing Fleeing Gently Bleeding every Poisonous Drop of Pain.
No more crying in the rain. No more Fantasy Falling to the Pain
Washed Up Brain Dead Soul Fucked Back Run
Rewind Ahead my Steps No Turning Back Time’s Destined Path to Find Life
Unbound Unblind to Truth this Life Unblind I find Heart I See I Know
I Breathe I Soar Beyond the Veil I See Black Sky I Know It’s Name
UnBlue Pilled Eyes Wide Open Black Pitch Death Trap Matrix
Hopeless Betrayed Played
Sickened Saddened Broken Ashamed
Afraid Exposed Alarmed Haunted
Wide Awake Wired Electric Chaotic Alive
Murderous Livid Repulsed Revulsion Burning Hate
White Hot Hate
I’m Blown away by the the ease with which we hop, skipped & goose stepped into a red, white, and blue Looking Glass of Hell on Earth.
I’m more like ‘a-ha’ , ok, this must be ‘IT’
‘IT’ is finally here, for me at least. ‘IT’ has always been waiting for me to ‘See’
I do now, I finally see…
I felt ‘IT’ about 16 years ago? It’s hard to remember exactly.
I just know I felt it one day.
Like a quiet sonic boom, deep in me.
I felt like everything was real, but temporary.
Like a way station, forever fated and planned, an in between purgatory of sorts.
That’s how it felt, a purgatory, not deprived of anything, just my pride and being able to call anything my own.
It was grey, miserable, yet I had my family, my children, all that mattered, except for my own identity or home.
The second time I felt it was about 13 years ago. Chloe was a new baby.
I was standing in the middle of the kids and my room. Just standing there in a funk. Single mom, living at home, sharing a room and way, way off the mark of where I thought my life, our lives, would and should be. Feeling angry, mad, disgusted, embarrassed, ashamed, guilty. Like a great, big L O S E R. A disappointment to myself, dependent on my family, resentful at the shame time, bratty. Just a mess of poor me and A LOT of growing up to do.
I felt it, this feeling like I was in a waiting room.
I’ve always had a nagging, uneasy voice, a whisper deep within me, within my soul
It sounds crazy, but it’s been there for so long. Telling me to wait, just wait.
God, sounds bizarre reading it, but I swear, the voice was there.
I ‘heard’ it telling me something was coming, in the far, far distant future,
but IT was coming and life would never be the same as anyone knew it. I FELT it, it never went away.
I let it go.
I don’t obsess over things I can’t change.
I didn’t feel anything but a complete certainty, a truth inside me, a calm
and I just said, “Ok.” and moved on with my days.
Have you ever had that happen?
I don’t know what they would call it.
I know many people believe in psychic abilities, mediums, esp, etc. I don’t.
I’m Catholic and I was raised to never mess with any kinds of occult things.
I don’t even read my horoscope.
A re post, but still very relevant.
A family matter, an upheaval, a disruption, a tyranny
that’s been ongoing 2 years now
very soon the clouds will disappear, very, very soon.
I hope and pray all comes to the good and that finally
the weight will be lifted off of my and my family’s shoulders
and we’ll once again be able to breathe.
In these grey days filled with tears and sadness
Fear, now my master
taunting me as I am kissed by Judas
Handed over to my accuser
Betrayer of her own, of ALL preyed upon
ruthless her kindness, relentless her cruelty
Shuffling papers = attack mode- ON
Going down her Hit List of Total Bullshit
all HIS LIES and her side show
Eye-rollin’ sarcasm when she gets called out as a Liar.
Rude and unprofessional with ZERO class
She sits there & LIES & DISTORTS
& MANIPULATES the TRUTH.
It’s beyond hypocrisy. It is beyond injustice.
It is EVIL, pure & simple
and, the mask of being ‘Civilized’
is grafted down to her bone. There is nothing
‘real’ left within her to be shown
Not an ounce of empathy, compassion or
I feel like Daniel thrown to the Lions…
I sit there alone.
Completely, utterly alone.
Watching her moods swing from snarky law bitch
to a soft-spoken, jovial, chubby Aunt Bee
with really bad hair.
She has her shtick down pat.
Sharing little stories and anecdotes
of bad guys ALWAYS getting caught
trying to beat the drug test.
Remember that one woman…STAB …
she tested negative with the pee test, but
that hair test was off the charts positive
she had SO much crack …
STICK… in her system!!!
(here it comes)… STABSTABSTAB
“See? don’t be a stupid crack whore
you clueless peasant”, her soulless eyes
All I feel is sad. So sad…
This wasn’t just a crack whore,
another notch on your scratching post!
This was a HUMAN BEING, a woman
who wasn’t born a criminal.
This is a daughter, a mother
Long ago her innocence lost, and now
her child’s is being lost…
broken home, broken heart, broken lives
So much suffering, generations
affected and it’s all laughed away
“People are stupid, useless, ignorant anyway.”
She loves to stick those pins
I feel so cold and sick, as if I’m going to
crawl out of my skin.
I get it now. Most of it. Need more time
to process. I’m far from ok. I’m in a zone
of stress . I need to get my composure back
I need to act oblivious. I’m numb.
Frozen in this strange dread and confusion
My thoughts, flatlined… dead.
Is this what hell feels like?
Her demented giggle never quite reaching
her squinty little eyes,
she’s watching me across the table.
“Eyes are the windows of the soul.”,
keeps running through my head.
Curiosity gets the best of me
I look straight up at her, not past her.
I SEE her.
I see a sad excuse for a human being.
I feel surprised, shocked actually,
at this slovenly mess across from me.
“How in the hell can that woman NOT have
a zillion issues? How OLD is she? She can’t be
that much older than me, 10-15 years? She looks
like a bag lady who just rolled out of bed.
Good Lord. Hasn’t she heard of Maybelline?
I bet she has about 5 cats already ’cause
they don’t know ‘Heil’ from ‘Here, kitty kitty'”
I SEE her.
A bitter, hate-filled, unkempt, insecure,
vicious woman who is out to annihilate me.
She HATES women. She HATES me.
She has found the PERFECT client in HIM.
She’s a paid abuser.
Hired by the man who abused & is still abusing me.
She is beneath contempt.
I feel disdain, rage, & offense beyond belief.
Seeing into eyes of a woman
who looks old
Two dirty, cracked windows to
a soul like a rat grey, listless & fat
and a heart like a shriveled husk
dead, cold & black
I SEE her.
A desolate wad of dark energy
Nothing resembling happiness exudes from her.
She is a slave to pride & the intellect of man.
She is dead in spirit,
nothing but an animal, flesh & bone.
She is one of THEM
They are the Undead among us
Beady eyes always calculating
Greedy maws always salivating
Monsters created by shallow minds
The hunt is all they crave
To rise the ranks & win a worthless game
against the other locusts who feed
on the misery of society.
Power, Lust, Envy and Hate
Living for esteem from those they despise
To be worshiped & feared
To corrupt all that is good is their delight
To destroy Love, & make wrong right
Born again in primordial swamps
of corruption and poison
they breed the ancient disease
of fallen Eden
Desperate to be ‘seen’
Ego fuels their vapid lives
Slaves to base passions
the animals speak as civilizations die
They are the worst of humanity
I cannot bear to breathe the same air they breathe
I feel dirty, stained
I can’t wash off the foul stench
of Putrid decay they leave in their wake
I’m contaminated by filth
Drowning in a sea of hate
Caught in a trap
well-laid for years
Me, gullible, and naive
in my ignorance deceived
Now I see a darkness I’ve never known
Ugliness I thought I was privy to
Books I read, scars received, nothing prepared
me for these assaults on my sanity
Anger unreal, hate hidden, nothing revealed
until the fangs sink in, withdraw, smile, rip again
as if I’m just some plaything
a rag doll eviscerated invisibly
a puppet hanging by bloody strings of flesh
I am soul shocked
I am mind raped
flayed alive by demons
wearing suits of skin
Strangers paid to hate, not another
human, I am nothing but a
sad specimen below their pay grade
I refuse to die
My blessing and curse my belief in the Afterlife
so, I stay
In these so often colorless days & nights
filled with prayers and pleas & begging
to a celestial Being I now struggle to believe in
Nothing sates me
Nothing takes me away from
nothing but pain & panic
I am crushed on all sides
I am only living for one thing
My Children’s Lives and Sanity
the rest of me is in limbo
Lost in a fog of protecting those I love
Sleep sucks me into tormented dreams
I fight and claw myself awake
Slipping away is my faith,
I hang on,
for some strange reason
without desire or contemplation,
I hang on
I feel a longing for a distant song
I reach across the abyss and grasp
I find you, I feel you
You vibrate through me
your existence blankets me
your thoughts enfold me
in the warmth of knowing
I am never alone
You are the flame always burning
Calling out to me as my own draws
new life from you
My horizon, my sun
no matter how foul my mood
your words surround, hold
Your soul shines
as I wander in mists of purgatory
Lost until I feel you again
You are a guiding star, always near
though I fall and falter
though I run in fear
Your light burns midnight alive
I smile in the storm
I smile past the pain,
if only for a little while,
Your words remind me
there is hope and beauty
there is love and magic
there is joy surrounding me
in every seeming tragedy
that I am blessed beyond belief
that I have strength from He who created me
that I have souls who depend upon and need me
that I am loved unconditionally
Your words spin webs of tranquility
as they engage my heart to beat again
Your inner strength unbinds me
and reminds me, ‘This too shall pass’
I see you, I see into your heart
It’s a mystery, yet I know you
feel it too
I see your faith in me
I see that I need to rise to
truth and nobility existing
within and around me
I see myself
in a mirror untainted
I see myself in you
You see me through eyes of beauty
You accept me with impunity
I whisper your name
in thanks I praise your existence
in this world, in my world
I pray you feel my kisses I send
upon gentle winds, across infinity
my lips curved in a soft smile
in wordless joy for your gift to me
washes me new
I feel clean
I feel free
I feel redeemed
on these grey days touched by you
*And though the darkness has deepened, the Light was and is unchanging and I refuse to let myself become consumed by evil souls. God IS my salvation and He WILL protect my family. My children’s well-being, happiness and safety are my priority.
I still find moments to breathe. I still find moments to reflect and see the good God ALWAYS brings out of seemingly insurmountable obstacles and betrayals.
Thank you all for reading me, truly and thank you for your posts
I always gain insight, inspiration and beauty from all I read and follow in this blogging community.
No more naked words of me
I’ll share with unfit company
No more pearls to swine
Greedily feeding upon frenemies
In snide remarks
they crassly snort
from gaping cavities
Cackling round cauldrons
Stirring up slander
in smiles & sabotage
Envy & insecurity forms friendships
Coven’s of commonalities
whose Joyous glee
derives from wHine & inflicting cruelty
Hating the me
that they create
from moldy thoughts
& evil hearts
Their misery needs company
to justify impiety
Lying eyes see only lies
truth as alibis
to fit inside
*reposting this piece because,
so often these temporary feelings of pain resurface,
unfortunate lows in the mostly highs that come
from exposing your thoughts & heart in permanent ink.
* I really like it! and it’s a bit Halloweeny…
confident cool mysterious
So, so bad and deliciously
Unattainable it seems,
but he is private, thoughtful
doesn’t take lightly
the one he chooses to adore
so rare, so loved
a fallen angel
heart’s every desire
come to life
a man like no other
Love’s forbidden fruit
holiness ~ purity
corruptions ~ seductions
darkness ~ decadence
sweetness freedom joy
passion desire pleasure
addictive delicious pain
meant to be
adored and treasured
He needs someone
who holds his magic
deserves a girl
that will truly see him
who will join him
giving and receiving
of deepest desires and dreams
needs to be held safe
within the arms
heart of the One
who brings joy
to his world
needs a Love
he can trust completely
mind ~ body ~ soul
needs to be mine