Just a Girl Lost 2

Just a girl lost~ Here I share bits & pieces of me, in poetry, prose, music & posts from writers who inspire me.

Insomnia and me ~ a brief, incoherent history

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I’ve been having insomnia. Well, actually, I’ve always had insomnia.

I think it started when I was a child.  I hated naps. I hated to close my eyes ’cause then I might miss something or get eaten by the monster under the bed.  I was an only child, so that meant sleeping in a big, dark, spooky bed alone alone alone. 

I’ve gotten my best sleep when not sleeping alone.  sigh

Oh, and you know those people who fall asleep at the drop of a hat?

WTH???

They are the felines of human beings.  I envy them so much.  

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I did get my insomnia under control about 22 years ago.  I was eating healthy, exercising, etc.  I was sleeping sans any type of controlled or uncontrolled substance and waking naturally ready to start the day.  It was a beautiful springtime of planets aligned.

and then…

I got pregnant & had my beautiful baby girl, Abigail Lee.  She was & still is pure perfection sent from heaven.

I kept her tiny cradle next to my side of the bed & I remember spending hours lying there just watching her sleep.  I couldn’t stop looking at her perfect little face. I felt like I was in a magic place where heaven touched earth. My heart was filled to bursting with a love & bliss I’d never known & I felt completely at peace. For the first time contentment & happiness existed within my soul.  

Ironic that I also lost my ability to relax & fall into sleep.

My beautiful, precious brand new baby rewired my circadian rhythms into new Mother mode of broken sleep, hyper-alertness, super acute hearing, night & day merged into baby asleep or baby awake, forgetfulness, stupidity,  & being really clumsy from not enough REM sleep, my new reality was a heavenly baby who made sleeping hell.

I read every baby book, parenting magazine, everything

They all had 1 Baby commandment chiseled in stone.

“With a newborn baby you have to make sure and take a nap when your baby takes a nap.”

I’m guessing some MALE doctor came up with that stroke of genius.

I tried it once. I never tried it twice.

Naps only work if you instantly fall asleep.  Naps aren’t meant for lingering, they’re short bursts of deep sleep meant to rejuvenate upon waking.

*Only cats & people with narcolepsy are able to wake refreshed from a nap. (imho)

I had my son, Nick, 6 years after Abby and my youngest daughter, Chloe, 3 years later.

I was hoping I’d get lucky & have a really lazy, sleepy baby.  NOPE

They all inherited my sleep dysfunction.

They NEVER took naps, except in their car seats.

They NEVER slept through the night

No matter how tired they got, they NEVER made up for it by sleeping longer the next day.

So, I NEVER slept. I didn’t even try.

My body forgot how to be normal.  It forgot how to lie still in the quiet.  It forgot how to relax.  My mind forgot how to shut itself off.  My mind stayed in constant alert mode.

Even after they started school and got into a normal sleep routine, I couldn’t.

It truly sucked.  I was miserable. I was at the mercy of my mind & body. Like some robot reprogrammed to short circuit.   It was crazy & so frustrating not being able to JUST F-KING FALL ASLEEP!

I was going t0 forever be possessed by Insomnia

I was going to forever HATE, HATE  waking up

I was forever going to be in a bitchy, foul, demonic mood or really stupid until 12noon.  

~

Oh, and you people and your Saviour, Coffee???  

LOL LOL LOL … That’s what I drink to FALL ASLEEP.  pfft.  

What’s that quote by Salvador Dali?

“I don’t do drugs. I am drugs.”  

Yea, my body tells that to every damn God or man-made chemical I try to put in it.   

I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t find my ancestry thru ancestry.com ’cause they only do DNA searches from this planet.  

~

but,

time does heal and 

And as my kids have gotten older sleep has gotten better.

Insomnia is less my master, more my bitch.  

I’ve become wiser, calmer & much more laid back.  

It’s a good thing to be slothful if it causes one to reflect & let go of the chaos one can’t control.

I love to sleep, but I hate falling asleep.  

It’s boring & lonely when you sleep alone.

(S E X with a perfect someone would be the perfect cure, but that’s another story) 😈

~

(Where was I?  ???  (Damn you, Insomnia, you make me stupider)

Oh, so, my point was how is insomnia affecting me presently, now, today?

It’s taken years, but my mind and body finally re-aligned with my pre-motherhood sleeping patterns.

It’s wonderful being able to fall asleep naturally.

I even turn off all the lights AND the tv.  I actually NEED darkness & quiet to sleep now. 🙂

but,

I’m still affected by my children’s sleeping habits, when they have issues, so do I.

When my days and nights get mixed up it can become a vicious cycle and big mess of miserable.  

One cannot simply sleep all day when one stays up all night.

It’s strange how the longer one stays awake, the harder it is to fall asleep.

Night before last I didn’t sleep.  

I stayed up the next day.  I stayed up last night.

I finally forced myself to lie down this morning around 7am. My son was leaving for school.  I blessed him, told him I loved him & curled up on the sofa.  I slept like the dead until he woke me up around 12:30. He had 1/2 a day of school today & we needed to go to sign some papers at the Dr. office.

I rolled off the sofa.  I felt drugged.  I felt sick, like my head was filled with cotton.  I was sneezing uncontrollably & my throat felt swollen.  I was having trouble swallowing & it made me a bit panicky that the top of my palate was itching like crazy.  I kept scratching it with my tongue over  & over.  Palate itching means, “Better get that shit under control or it’s a dumbass death by insomnia & cat allergy”

Lack of sleep seems to trigger my allergies & crappy OTC meds don’t always help.

*I’m thinking about getting a Neti pot.  It just sounds so disgusting & gross.  yuk.  But, today I’m feeling so bad I think I’d give it a whirl.

So, here I sit, typing, no longer sneezing, palate itching down to a low hum, watching Netflix sitting next to a sleeping dog.  

Awake & functioning on my lovely 5 hours of sleep & knowing that at some point I will need to catch up & find my way back into the land of REM.

(omg, I need to stop)

Long story short,  Lack of sleep disrupts my daily duties & wrecks havoc on my mood & physical well-being

Lack of sleep makes me feel empty, unfocused & lost in a fog.

I can’t write like I want to.  

I can’t express myself like I want to.

I can’t put into words all the feelings & ideas that I want to because my brain won’t let me.

There are so many pieces of me I want to share.  

That’s the reason I often repost on my blog & retweet myself on my Twitter feed.   It’s not out of narcissism or laziness, it’s out of me wanting to communicate thoughts & feelings still relevant.

~

*The positive thing about insomnia is that I get to catch up on my reading & actually notice things I had never noticed before about so many of you lovely people.  So many things.

I always adore reading all the beautiful pieces shared by you. 

~

Insomnia is to blame for my lack of words today.

My heart says yes, my mind says, I need rest.

Please forgive me and thank you for reading me, always.

 

I adore knowing that you ‘see’ me.

Know that I truly do ‘see’ you too. 💕

~

 

©justagirllost2

 *image~ sleepless booksby WonderMilkyGirl
*image2 ~ Holly Golightly (Audrey Hepburn) & Cat in Breakfast at Tiffany’s

 

 

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Author: justagirllost2

Just a girl lost in some ways, found in others. Writing my thoughts, ideas, dreams, realities, pieces of me... not all pretty~ definitely real. I'm a mother with faith in God's divine providence that my mistakes and selfishness, my immaturity and past are all part of a journey. That all is never what it seems. That good will always claim victory and there is a plan beyond what human eyes and our fallen natures can see. My three children are my miracles, my life, my blessing and they inspire me to be a better woman and human being. I hope that you and I share and learn from each other in the beauty and reality of life on this ever evolving journey. xo ~ This is a place without masks~ without broken glass paths ~ This is a place to be free To be me~Just a girl lost XxX

4 thoughts on “Insomnia and me ~ a brief, incoherent history

  1. Just love the way you write… You have a magical approach to words and create miracle with feelings. From what people call a sickness you went into the mother love and did miss someone for a moment and came back to a beautiful mom and then again to the Insomnia world. Aah and that coffee… Hmm I see becoming drug when we can, who needs drugs lol.

    Like

  2. “The felines of human beings”! I love that line. I also admit to being somewhat skittish around water.

    Liked by 1 person

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