In the last few years I’m finally able to understand and accept what these words by St. Francis mean.
It took almost destroying myself in mind, body and soul over & over & over again. Confused by the self-hatred brought about by a lifetime of other’s flawed perceptions, of my own ignorance, of seeing through the warped eyes of a materialistic, shallow, humanistic society.
By believing mine & others’ misconceptions of what my Faith meant, by not understanding how my unique brain chemistry affected me & how my ingrained desire of wanting to be perfect at everything (good or bad) was an impossible way to live & potentially deadly. Maybe even the devil himself was trying to destroy my belief in my self-worth, who knows…
It took being abused when I believed I deserved it, being told way too many times how worthless I was, how I didn’t deserve to live, how everyone would be better off without a disgusting loser like me. It took hearing it, living it, finding the strength to finally see the truth, to finally be able to look in the mirror and say, “So what. So fucking what if I’m the most horrible person in existence like you say I am. I’m still better than you, who are so evil that you have to beat me down to build yourself up. I don’t use the love & trust of others as a weapon to turn against them. I’m not evil, not perfect, I’m me, just me.”
I exist and if I believe that all souls are meant to exist then I’m also meant to exist and the Creator who created me needed no human approval for my existence and neither do I.
It also took losing my narcissistic belief in my perpetual uniqueness. My pride had kept me a prisoner to human standards of excellence and worth. I had to let go of the belief that all my failures and all my triumphs belonged only to me. I wasn’t always in control, a god of my own making.
I learned the hard way. Perhaps because of my stubbornness & arrogance. I wish it would have been less painful to learn the beautiful truth that my value is never changing. I am valuable because I EXIST.
I can finally be free to live without the shackles of fear or despair that others have tried to imprison me with.
I’m truly free to love and be loved.
My simple way of explaining a faith I hold dear and deep. I’m not very articulate when it comes to explaining my beliefs and what I understand.
My faith is a part of me and I am made strong only in my weakness and acceptance of who I’m truly meant to be.