Just a Girl Lost 2

Just a girl lost~ Here I share bits & pieces of me, in poetry, prose, music & posts from writers who inspire me.


16 Comments

Happiness

image

If happiness is simply a chemical released in the brain

I want to figure out how to release that elusive little bit of bliss

To have the certainty of being able to pull that magical daisy chain

of only always sunshine, again & again & again.

No more to be deluged by storms of life

that every season drown my sorry heart

in tears of endless rain

So,

I always often pray to be ‘fixed’. “FIX ME! Now Now Now, please!”

I beg to be miraculously healed of all my most horrible weaknesses and flaws.

I beg to become a completely whole, healthy, productive and serene person.

I NEED to be the me I am meant to be and somehow make up for ALL my selfish,

thoughtless, destructive, behaviors of the past.

“Make me who I’m meant to be, please please please.” I plead over and over.

A noble mantra (to my narcissistic mind) prayed with the utmost contrition,

angst and sincerity.   I KNOW that He just HAS to answer, doesn’t He??  I mean, He’s healed so many people way worse off and way more screwed up than me, and I BELIEVE!  “See, God, I believe!  So, c’mon, I’m ready now, now to be healed.”

I plead and plead, waiting to be freed, waiting to be transformed miraculously.

It’s not working.  I’m still the messed up, old me.

I’m being ignored because I’m not determined enough.

I just need to beg and whine with way more sincerity.

NOTHING

“I must be unfixable.  I must be too weak.  What was I thinking?

I’m beyond healing.  Even He can’t fix me…”

~

I sink

deeper and deeper into myself and my selfishness

MY way is STILL the only way out of this day in and day out

abyss of hopelessness.  This life is all there is and so I’ll

make the best of it until I can figure out how to fix myself

without His help.  I convince myself it’s so much easier

to believe in the god of Me.  I may be doomed to mediocrity,

but at least I am ‘home’ within the familiar confines

of my darkened, broken mind. I will always be my own place to hide.

I’ll make sure I always have a retreat where I can pretend to have

a ‘normal’, happy life that I’m obviously not meant to lead.

Poor me.  I am a martyr, don’t they see?  I NEED to be free

in my kingdom of Me.

A place where selfishness, fear, apathy,

resentment, blame, anger, negativity & endless self-pity

are justified.  Where ‘escape’ isn’t being weak, it’s being ‘happy’.

I’m in control because only I know what’s good for me and what

will make everything easy.  Easy and  Control, an insidious

beast.  Eating me up alive.

I’m dying inside.

My stubborn pride keeps me blind.  I live in fear and

anxiety.   I used to be able to ‘delete’ & bury grown-up,

unpleasant things.  I used to be able to run away to only me

with impunity and magical certainty.

Until,

a day Life won’t let me declare myself neutral

in this war anymore.

I have to decide whether to die or fight.

I who always thought myself so brave and

arrogantly felt like I was some kind of fighter.

I see I am a paper tiger.  A coward afraid to

face the truth.  I am words, not actions.  A fool.

~

Something inside of me cries out.  I’m in a place

of humble defeat.  I surrender.  I am a prisoner of Love.

I throw myself into His arms in complete, terrified,

childlike, loving trust.  I’m finally ready to let Him Be

and work within me.  I grieve the old me.  I know I have no strength.

I know I’ve failed miserably.

I also know I have to let go of the past. I have to let go

of all that was and hold on to now and all that will be.

I’m going in blind, hands tied Letting Him lead.

I’m dying to Me.   It’s not easy.   Not at first.

~

I have to drag myself across that bridge of doubt and lack of faith.

Without humility and complete honesty, I can’t bear to cross it.

It isn’t exactly how I’d pictured it to be, once I’d waved the

white flag,  I’d expected Him to carry me!

So tempting to slide back down that hill into my old ways.

I wanna run and hide again, but I don’t.

I stay and I run, I run

so fast over that bridge.  From night to day.  From comatose

to wide awake.   No longer lost.  I’ve finally found my way.

And somehow I’ve changed.

I am ready to live the truth

I’ve always believed, yet was too afraid to seek.

That ‘suffering’ of this life that will bring understanding,

growth and healing and that will lead to a happiness

far beyond what our human natures can ever imagine.

That ‘fixing’ means changing and becoming

unbroken into a divine, unique creation of us

as part of a whole human family.

For, how can we know true peace if we only think of

our own wants and needs?

~

So, now I pray for wisdom & patience

for hope & fortitude

I pray for humility and gratitude

I pray to let go of all fear and control

I pray for the strength to leap into the abyss

of complete and utter trust, always.

To never falter again.  To step out over the precipice

of my fallen, miserable comfort zone

into the arms of an unimaginable

mystical, unthinkable, beautiful

and all possible

unknown

~

It’s a never ending journey of self-discovery & angst

self-inflicted tortures of silence

Looking in mirrors of past pains soul deep

Breaking off dirty, bloody pieces until, suddenly,

like a dandelion in the wind, my soul flies beyond me

no longer imprisoned ready to rise higher.

Uncaged, unfettered, uncovered and free

to allow in a deeper, more perfect level of

all that is truly good and beautiful.

To Love unconditionally my children and family

To see the divinity in mundane things

Forever then will Happiness find me.

 

~

 

©justagirllost2

*photo mine.  St. Peter’s Catholic Church Cemetery in Carencro, Louisiana


2 Comments

Past~Present~Future…She is His

 

He found something of someone in every other

pieced back in every heart

Each lovely, each sweet in their own way

Each one like a snowflake melting into rain

~

Seasons and showers of poetry and hours

withering wondering,

he wandered away

Lost until she found her way

back to him

~

In her was and is every woman

Her heart fits his

She body~mind~soul

His every dream fulfilled

~

Their bond forged before time began

He and she a soul connection

beyond the kin of mortal men
~

Un explainable, un tameable

Un imagined, un forseen

impossible even for fools

to understand

~

In her  all that others

die trying

try lying to give

His

Past~Present~Future

In her he’s found what

he’s always missed

His perfect Muse

His granted wish

~

In him she shines

For him she lives

~

©justagirllost2 


3 Comments

HE

e35a3aee40d8be2b907369f2521b4c58

 

HE is

confident cool mysterious

infinite fascinations

~

HE is

dangerous charming. So, so bad & wicked

Unattainable it seems, but he is  private, thoughtful

doesn’t take lightly the ones he chooses to adore

is unimpressed with shallowness

~

HE is

so beautiful, so rare, so loved

a masterpiece a fallen angel

heart’s every desire~ come to life

a man like no other

~

HE is

every music

every season

every touch

every reason

~

HE is 

subterranean depths

the forbidden fruit

holiness~purity

corruptions~seductions

darkness~decadence

sweetness freedom joy

passion desire pleasure

addictive delicious pain

~

HE is

meant to be adored and treasured

needs the one who holds their magic

sacred

~

HE 

deserves only the one that will truly see him

the one who will join him in mutual

giving and receiving

of deepest desires and dreams

~

HE

needs to be held safe within the arms and

within the heart the one who

brings joy and beauty into his world

~

HE

needs the one he can trust completely

with every piece of him

mind~body~soul

~

HE

needs to be mine

 

~

©justagirllost2 


6 Comments

My Beautiful Taste of Heaven

Your words

are the secret place I go to

when the storms of life

darken my sky

 

Your adoration

creates the poems of joy

I pray in twilight or day

 

You are

my beautiful taste of heaven

on this earthly plane

~

You, always you

~

 

©justagirllost2

 


4 Comments

Your Words Touch Me

~

Our lives are lived in the blink of an eye,

yet I feel like I’ve known your soul forever

~

Your words touch me

like the softest blanket,

the one that smells of home

~

Your words make things feel so right

when I feel so wrong

~

Your passion is a beautiful chaos

Your darkness is my calm

I want my tongue to tangle with yours

I want my skin to be your safest place

I want my name to be your prayer

I want to be the destination you seek

to never escape

~

 

©justagirllost2 

 


4 Comments

Just a Man

bd4e82828f23c843764b2956865d1a22 (1)

~

He isn’t words whispered beneath breaths of
solo masturbations & sticky selfish deviations

He isn’t fantasies of savior kings
in kingdoms of kinked imaginings

He isn’t false light hiding woeful beguilings
on a bed of nails smiling at pain he brings
~
He is just a man
~
Yet, he is a magnificent man
who rocks my mundane world
with poetry & fireworks

Soul touches & Love strokes
Fire storms of Lust
upon which my body begs to overdose

My chosen path~my future start
My every missing part
~
He is just a man,
the man
who owns my heart

~

©justagirllost2 

*this is a repost, but always true

*photo from Pinterest