its way home
I have been writing poetry, I have been thinking of Sweet Love and things, but I’ve not finished anything yet. They are the new Drafts in my draft folder. A MESS of words unraveling in a big ball of yarn I try untangling. messy and inelegant
I go off on tangents, I can’t seem to not ramble from A to B to C to X Y Z and back again, etc until I just give up in disgust and go to something else. Wash. Rinse. Repeat
But, I can tell a little bit of the larger picture.
I will, no matter if I wanna scrap this by the time I’m finished, I WILL post.
Not sure if it’s good or bad, but I’m going to anyway.
I wanna leave that comfort zone of trashing mistakes.
Here ya go!
I’ve been on Pinterest, a LOT the last few days, A LOT, OCD A LOT.
I’ve fallen in love with Poetry, every single type of poetry. I’ve been creating boards left and right to narrow down my categories.
I’m focusing right now on
*Enlightenment, Finding True Peace & Happiness
*Poets and Poetry that I love
*Spiritual Hope, Finding strength in difficult times
*Literature and Art and how it affects Culture and History, how it brings beauty and value to Mankind, all living things,
*Childhood and the Importance of Reading. Creativity, Happiness, Critical Thinking, Beauty in nature, living creatures, all people.
UnEducating… It’s not used by all those homeschooling, not at all. It’s a way to Educate as the child’s interest and strengths dictate, not on a timetable and having outdoor time as teaching, etc. It’s very interesting. Learning always is.
I just found this gem of a writer named Jenny Holzer.
She’s truly amazing.
the newest board,
I’ve been reading a lot of others who write these types of things, but not specifically. I love it. I had the book, but I lost it. It’s a brilliant read, but my brain gets tired , like it does from all the other things I read, and my lack of sleep.
So, that’s what I’ve been doing during down time, and my late nights trying to sleep.
Thank you for reading me. I truly appreciate & love when you visit me!
Know that I always love to read and adore you. ❤️ ❤️ ❤️
I’ve been having insomnia. Well, actually, I’ve always had insomnia.
I think it started when I was a child. I hated naps. I hated to close my eyes ’cause then I might miss something or get eaten by the monster under the bed. I was an only child, so that meant sleeping in a big, dark, spooky bed alone alone alone.
I’ve gotten my best sleep when not sleeping alone. sigh
Oh, and you know those people who fall asleep at the drop of a hat?
They are the felines of human beings. I envy them so much.
I did get my insomnia under control about 22 years ago. I was eating healthy, exercising, etc. I was sleeping sans any type of controlled or uncontrolled substance and waking naturally ready to start the day. It was a beautiful springtime of planets aligned.
I got pregnant & had my beautiful baby girl, Abigail Lee. She was & still is pure perfection sent from heaven.
I kept her tiny cradle next to my side of the bed & I remember spending hours lying there just watching her sleep. I couldn’t stop looking at her perfect little face. I felt like I was in a magic place where heaven touched earth. My heart was filled to bursting with a love & bliss I’d never known & I felt completely at peace. For the first time contentment & happiness existed within my soul.
Ironic that I also lost my ability to relax & fall into sleep.
My beautiful, precious brand new baby rewired my circadian rhythms into new Mother mode of broken sleep, hyper-alertness, super acute hearing, night & day merged into baby asleep or baby awake, forgetfulness, stupidity, & being really clumsy from not enough REM sleep, my new reality was a heavenly baby who made sleeping hell.
I read every baby book, parenting magazine, everything
They all had 1 Baby commandment chiseled in stone.
“With a newborn baby you have to make sure and take a nap when your baby takes a nap.”
I’m guessing some MALE doctor came up with that stroke of genius.
I tried it once. I never tried it twice.
Naps only work if you instantly fall asleep. Naps aren’t meant for lingering, they’re short bursts of deep sleep meant to rejuvenate upon waking.
*Only cats & people with narcolepsy are able to wake refreshed from a nap. (imho)
I had my son, Nick, 6 years after Abby and my youngest daughter, Chloe, 3 years later.
I was hoping I’d get lucky & have a really lazy, sleepy baby. NOPE
They all inherited my sleep dysfunction.
They NEVER took naps, except in their car seats.
They NEVER slept through the night
No matter how tired they got, they NEVER made up for it by sleeping longer the next day.
So, I NEVER slept. I didn’t even try.
My body forgot how to be normal. It forgot how to lie still in the quiet. It forgot how to relax. My mind forgot how to shut itself off. My mind stayed in constant alert mode.
Even after they started school and got into a normal sleep routine, I couldn’t.
It truly sucked. I was miserable. I was at the mercy of my mind & body. Like some robot reprogrammed to short circuit. It was crazy & so frustrating not being able to JUST F-KING FALL ASLEEP!
I was going t0 forever be possessed by Insomnia
I was going to forever HATE, HATE waking up
I was forever going to be in a bitchy, foul, demonic mood or really stupid until 12noon.
Oh, and you people and your Saviour, Coffee???
LOL LOL LOL … That’s what I drink to FALL ASLEEP. pfft.
What’s that quote by Salvador Dali?
“I don’t do drugs. I am drugs.”
Yea, my body tells that to every damn God or man-made chemical I try to put in it.
I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t find my ancestry thru ancestry.com ’cause they only do DNA searches from this planet.
time does heal and
And as my kids have gotten older sleep has gotten better.
Insomnia is less my master, more my bitch.
I’ve become wiser, calmer & much more laid back.
It’s a good thing to be slothful if it causes one to reflect & let go of the chaos one can’t control.
I love to sleep, but I hate falling asleep.
It’s boring & lonely when you sleep alone.
(S E X with a perfect someone would be the perfect cure, but that’s another story) 😈
(Where was I? ??? (Damn you, Insomnia, you make me stupider)
Oh, so, my point was how is insomnia affecting me presently, now, today?
It’s taken years, but my mind and body finally re-aligned with my pre-motherhood sleeping patterns.
It’s wonderful being able to fall asleep naturally.
I even turn off all the lights AND the tv. I actually NEED darkness & quiet to sleep now. 🙂
I’m still affected by my children’s sleeping habits, when they have issues, so do I.
When my days and nights get mixed up it can become a vicious cycle and big mess of miserable.
One cannot simply sleep all day when one stays up all night.
It’s strange how the longer one stays awake, the harder it is to fall asleep.
Night before last I didn’t sleep.
I stayed up the next day. I stayed up last night.
I finally forced myself to lie down this morning around 7am. My son was leaving for school. I blessed him, told him I loved him & curled up on the sofa. I slept like the dead until he woke me up around 12:30. He had 1/2 a day of school today & we needed to go to sign some papers at the Dr. office.
I rolled off the sofa. I felt drugged. I felt sick, like my head was filled with cotton. I was sneezing uncontrollably & my throat felt swollen. I was having trouble swallowing & it made me a bit panicky that the top of my palate was itching like crazy. I kept scratching it with my tongue over & over. Palate itching means, “Better get that shit under control or it’s a dumbass death by insomnia & cat allergy”
Lack of sleep seems to trigger my allergies & crappy OTC meds don’t always help.
*I’m thinking about getting a Neti pot. It just sounds so disgusting & gross. yuk. But, today I’m feeling so bad I think I’d give it a whirl.
So, here I sit, typing, no longer sneezing, palate itching down to a low hum, watching Netflix sitting next to a sleeping dog.
Awake & functioning on my lovely 5 hours of sleep & knowing that at some point I will need to catch up & find my way back into the land of REM.
(omg, I need to stop)
Long story short, Lack of sleep disrupts my daily duties & wrecks havoc on my mood & physical well-being
Lack of sleep makes me feel empty, unfocused & lost in a fog.
I can’t write like I want to.
I can’t express myself like I want to.
I can’t put into words all the feelings & ideas that I want to because my brain won’t let me.
There are so many pieces of me I want to share.
That’s the reason I often repost on my blog & retweet myself on my Twitter feed. It’s not out of narcissism or laziness, it’s out of me wanting to communicate thoughts & feelings still relevant.
*The positive thing about insomnia is that I get to catch up on my reading & actually notice things I had never noticed before about so many of you lovely people. So many things.
I always adore reading all the beautiful pieces shared by you.
Insomnia is to blame for my lack of words today.
My heart says yes, my mind says, I need rest.
Please forgive me and thank you for reading me, always.
I adore knowing that you ‘see’ me.
Know that I truly do ‘see’ you too. 💕
The moment I saw you
Time stood still, lost~ entranced
as three Fates wove us into dance
the Earth un-spun forgot her place
but, for the gods, her saving grace
The smitten Wind, tame as a lamb
laughed at the Sun, sudden shy
blushing in clouds behind the sky
Under your spell Life hypnotized
you looked into my eyes
You touched my soul~ I held your light
a universe returned to right
Blue carousel spinning again
Chariot of gods, ghost horses ran
all frenzied haste to beat the sand
My thundering heart
the only sound
whirlwind of thoughts
spinning me round
invading skin~heaven and sin
tasting life~drowning within
a newborn joy~beyond the breach
love’s miracle~within my reach
A brave new world finally found
Lost in a place I’d never known
A place deeper than skin and bone
A place my Soul knew all along
the place was You
the place was Home
*endlessly, a Ink on Paper by LOUI JOVER
I would tell you how beautiful
and brilliant your words are
and how much I admire
every single curve and line
I would try to convey how
my soul soars as my eyes
devour each sentence,
I would, but I won’t
not today or any other day
because it seems
to you if my thoughts
shy and stay away
So, instead I shall whisper
them into the ears of the angels
and send them on their way
and I’ll pray that you
are made happy and feel
the joy you bring to my day,
in some small way
Poor Alice, you’ve always been more feline than female.
Always inquisitive, when awake, just like Dinah your cat.
A pretty pet, curiouser & curiouser, always wanting
to taste strange things & then wishing you’d listened to reason.
Drinking poison & spewing nonsense,
until dizzy & spinning, ungrinning at the possibility
that impossibilities do not exist or happen as a fact.
Such a pretty, bloody trainwreck
painting white roses red
with the guard of playing card men
in a whirl of confusions
It wasn’t YOU, silly twit,
it’s isn’t YOU, nit nit wit
written about prettily for
If the shoes fits start wearing it
Not HER HIM or IT, it’s YOU YOU YOU
You’re the ONE always being ignored
Such an arrogant twit TWIT twit
go away go away, just
get used to being laughed at
just your sad sad silly love scorned…
for the Queen of Hearts
is HIS tart sweet
~ the end
*top image, Photo by Valentin Perrin
*bottom image, from Pinterest, trying to find the source
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