If happiness is simply a chemical released in the brain
I want to figure out how to release that elusive little bit of bliss
To have the certainty of being able to pull that magical daisy chain
of only always sunshine, again & again & again.
No more to be deluged by storms of life
that every season drown my sorry heart
in tears of endless rain
I always often pray to be ‘fixed’. “FIX ME! Now Now Now, please!”
I beg to be miraculously healed of all my most horrible weaknesses and flaws.
I beg to become a completely whole, healthy, productive and serene person.
I NEED to be the me I am meant to be and somehow make up for ALL my selfish,
thoughtless, destructive, behaviors of the past.
“Make me who I’m meant to be, please please please.” I plead over and over.
A noble mantra (to my narcissistic mind) prayed with the utmost contrition,
angst and sincerity. I KNOW that He just HAS to answer, doesn’t He?? I mean, He’s healed so many people way worse off and way more screwed up than me, and I BELIEVE! “See, God, I believe! So, c’mon, I’m ready now, now to be healed.”
I plead and plead, waiting to be freed, waiting to be transformed miraculously.
It’s not working. I’m still the messed up, old me.
I’m being ignored because I’m not determined enough.
I just need to beg and whine with way more sincerity.
“I must be unfixable. I must be too weak. What was I thinking?
I’m beyond healing. Even He can’t fix me…”
deeper and deeper into myself and my selfishness
MY way is STILL the only way out of this day in and day out
abyss of hopelessness. This life is all there is and so I’ll
make the best of it until I can figure out how to fix myself
without His help. I convince myself it’s so much easier
to believe in the god of Me. I may be doomed to mediocrity,
but at least I am ‘home’ within the familiar confines
of my darkened, broken mind. I will always be my own place to hide.
I’ll make sure I always have a retreat where I can pretend to have
a ‘normal’, happy life that I’m obviously not meant to lead.
Poor me. I am a martyr, don’t they see? I NEED to be free
in my kingdom of Me.
A place where selfishness, fear, apathy,
resentment, blame, anger, negativity & endless self-pity
are justified. Where ‘escape’ isn’t being weak, it’s being ‘happy’.
I’m in control because only I know what’s good for me and what
will make everything easy. Easy and Control, an insidious
beast. Eating me up alive.
I’m dying inside.
My stubborn pride keeps me blind. I live in fear and
anxiety. I used to be able to ‘delete’ & bury grown-up,
unpleasant things. I used to be able to run away to only me
with impunity and magical certainty.
a day Life won’t let me declare myself neutral
in this war anymore.
I have to decide whether to die or fight.
I who always thought myself so brave and
arrogantly felt like I was some kind of fighter.
I see I am a paper tiger. A coward afraid to
face the truth. I am words, not actions. A fool.
Something inside of me cries out. I’m in a place
of humble defeat. I surrender. I am a prisoner of Love.
I throw myself into His arms in complete, terrified,
childlike, loving trust. I’m finally ready to let Him Be
and work within me. I grieve the old me. I know I have no strength.
I know I’ve failed miserably.
I also know I have to let go of the past. I have to let go
of all that was and hold on to now and all that will be.
I’m going in blind, hands tied Letting Him lead.
I’m dying to Me. It’s not easy. Not at first.
I have to drag myself across that bridge of doubt and lack of faith.
Without humility and complete honesty, I can’t bear to cross it.
It isn’t exactly how I’d pictured it to be, once I’d waved the
white flag, I’d expected Him to carry me!
So tempting to slide back down that hill into my old ways.
I wanna run and hide again, but I don’t.
I stay and I run, I run
so fast over that bridge. From night to day. From comatose
to wide awake. No longer lost. I’ve finally found my way.
And somehow I’ve changed.
I am ready to live the truth
I’ve always believed, yet was too afraid to seek.
That ‘suffering’ of this life that will bring understanding,
growth and healing and that will lead to a happiness
far beyond what our human natures can ever imagine.
That ‘fixing’ means changing and becoming
unbroken into a divine, unique creation of us
as part of a whole human family.
For, how can we know true peace if we only think of
our own wants and needs?
So, now I pray for wisdom & patience
for hope & fortitude
I pray for humility and gratitude
I pray to let go of all fear and control
I pray for the strength to leap into the abyss
of complete and utter trust, always.
To never falter again. To step out over the precipice
of my fallen, miserable comfort zone
into the arms of an unimaginable
mystical, unthinkable, beautiful
and all possible
It’s a never ending journey of self-discovery & angst
self-inflicted tortures of silence
Looking in mirrors of past pains soul deep
Breaking off dirty, bloody pieces until, suddenly,
like a dandelion in the wind, my soul flies beyond me
no longer imprisoned ready to rise higher.
Uncaged, unfettered, uncovered and free
to allow in a deeper, more perfect level of
all that is truly good and beautiful.
To Love unconditionally my children and family
To see the divinity in mundane things
Forever then will Happiness find me.
*photo mine. St. Peter’s Catholic Church Cemetery in Carencro, Louisiana